Dan Sweryt

Man already unable to recall name of diver who won gold medal with Tom Daley

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Simon Williams has today admitted that he’s struggling to remember the name of the diver who won an Olympic gold medal with Tom Daley just 36 hours ago.

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UK hits highest rate of Covid app deletion since pandemic began

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Yesterday saw the highest daily rate of NHS Test and Trace Covid app deletion since the pandemic began.

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Government confirm ‘No more Lockdowns’ as Test & Trace app tells entire country to self-isolate

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UK Government plc has confirmed that there will be no more Covid lockdowns, just as their magnificent Test & Trace app pings literally everyone in the country to lock themselves in their house and not see anyone.

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Everyone swearing while trying to get to back of garage where they threw the fan

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Everyone in the country is undertaking a foul-mouthed tirade trying to retrieve the fan from the back of the garage where they dumped it last year believing they would never need it ever again.

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“You’d do drugs too if you had to sit through 26 Eurovision songs” says this year’s winner

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The lead singer of the Italian band who won the Eurovision Song Contest has said that he’s surprised everyone wasn’t taking drugs in order to get them through Saturday night’s long, long, long night of cheesy pop.

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Brummie accent perfect cover for criminal mastermind, insists BBC

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The Brummie accent is the perfect cover for a criminal mastermind, say the bigwigs at the BBC, because they think Brummies are all idiots because of the way they speak.

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Ex-Special Advisor with well-documented eyesight problems can apparently see everything wrong with government

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An ex-Special Advisor who admitted to driving despite worrying issues with his eyesight, suddenly has 20:20 vision when it comes to seeing what’s wrong with the government.

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Julian Nagelsmann sacked by Spurs just days before being given manager’s job

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Tottenham Hotspur have already sacked new manager Julian Nagelsmann for underachieving just days before giving him the manager’s job.

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“Don’t fall for Ponzi schemes!” warns government planning to pay your pension by recruiting entirely new generation of gullible taxpayers

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UK Government plc has warned resident stakeholders not to fall for Ponzi schemes whilst allowing future generations to foot the cost of retirement for others.

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Government to make every school day 9 til 5 with no holidays to properly prepare kids for a life of endless drudgery

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UK Government plc is planning to make all school days last from 9am until 5pm, with no holidays to look forward to, in order to prepare kids for a life of endless monotony and desk-bound boredom.

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