The Metropolitan Police have declined to investigate reports of Michael Gove holding a birthday party for himself during lockdown after it was revealed that none of those invited actually bothered going.
A man’s admitted social media addiction has been completely cured by having timelines full of smug gits showing off their prowess at a silly 5-letter word game.
The Queen is planning to make a human sacrifice of Prince Andrew to our reptilian overlords as part of her Platinum Jubilee celebrations.
A man who hasn’t watched a single minute of live television since the last millennium is still excited by the release of the traditional Christmas issue of a TV listings magazine.
Number 10’s 2021 Christmas Party has been sensationally cancelled just days before the conclusion of last year’s.
Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne is being put under huge public pressure to resign after incredible revelations surfaced in the tabloids that he has another job.
GB News is aiming to boost its viewing numbers – which would be described as ‘flagging’, if they weren’t already zero – by having all their presenters unwrap surprise eggs live on telly.
The decade-long Scottish dominance of decent standard British tennis players has finally come to an end after an English player got to the final of a competition that actually means something.
Amazon has paid more UK tax this year than cumulatively over their entire existence after all their previous amounts were found behind the bins next door to HMRC.
Boris Johnson is sticking steadfastly to his manifesto pledge of breaking every manifesto pledge.
The United States has hired the creme de la creme of Russia’s ransomware experts in attempts to brick all the military hardware that’s been left as welcoming gifts for the Taliban in Afghanistan.
A bin at a theme park has broken all records and is now 100% wasp.
The paddling pool that showed so much promise during the two and a half days of UK Summer has since lay strewn across something in your garden, dishevelled, starting to deflate and full of dirty rainwater, inexplicable black dirt and dead insects.
The Norwegian men’s beach handball team have been fined over £1,000, after refusing to play in mankinis at the recent European Championships, as per the sport’s strict rules.
Team GB could lose their Olympic dressage bronze medal after doping tests came back positive for use of a pantomime horse.
Simon Williams has today admitted that he’s struggling to remember the name of the diver who won an Olympic gold medal with Tom Daley just 36 hours ago.
Yesterday saw the highest daily rate of NHS Test and Trace Covid app deletion since the pandemic began.
UK Government plc has confirmed that there will be no more Covid lockdowns, just as their magnificent Test & Trace app pings literally everyone in the country to lock themselves in their house and not see anyone.
Everyone in the country is undertaking a foul-mouthed tirade trying to retrieve the fan from the back of the garage where they dumped it last year believing they would never need it ever again.
The lead singer of the Italian band who won the Eurovision Song Contest has said that he’s surprised everyone wasn’t taking drugs in order to get them through Saturday night’s long, long, long night of cheesy pop.
The Brummie accent is the perfect cover for a criminal mastermind, say the bigwigs at the BBC, because they think Brummies are all idiots because of the way they speak.
An ex-Special Advisor who admitted to driving despite worrying issues with his eyesight, suddenly has 20:20 vision when it comes to seeing what’s wrong with the government.
Tottenham Hotspur have already sacked new manager Julian Nagelsmann for underachieving just days before giving him the manager’s job.
UK Government plc has warned resident stakeholders not to fall for Ponzi schemes whilst allowing future generations to foot the cost of retirement for others.
UK Government plc is planning to make all school days last from 9am until 5pm, with no holidays to look forward to, in order to prepare kids for a life of endless monotony and desk-bound boredom.
Hero of the working classes, Arthur Scargill, has joined the Conservative Party after they allowed the opening of a new coal mine in Cumbria.
The Premier League’s top new European signings from Deadline Day are now all stuck on a lorry in Calais for the next three weeks whilst they wait for the correct paperwork to come through.
Judge Dredd is calling for juries to be cut from twelve members to one – him – in order to stem a grave crisis in the justice system due to coronavirus.
Russian opposition leader, Alexei Navalny, has been arrested by the Kremlin after violating the terms of his state-sanctioned poisoning.
Benefit recipients have sensationally claimed that Tories would only fritter away free school meal money on profit for their mates.
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