UK

Government to impose tough new 10pm pub curfew forcing drinkers to just go out a couple of hours earlier

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The government is set to introduce tough new measures this week in the northeast of England which could see a strict 10 pm curfew imposed on pubs and restaurants in the region, forcing drinkers, to have to head out a couple of hours earlier instead.

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Matt Hancock receives ‘Best Health Secretary in the Whole World’ trophy from his Mum

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Beleaguered minister Matt Hancock received a boost earlier today when he was awarded a ‘Best Health Secretary in the Whole World’ trophy from his Mum.

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Chris Grayling writing his own satire now after getting £100,000 job as port advisor

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The man who once spent thirty-three million pounds of taxpayer money on a ferry firm with no ferries is now forging his own satire after being given a highly paid job as an advisor to a port operator.

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ITV apologises to Jim Davidson for lack of on-air representation for the ‘racist twat’ minority

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ITV has issued a full and unreserved apology today to former television comedian and current YouTube gammon-herder Jim Davidson, after admitting claims of a complete lack of on-air cultural representation for racist twats.

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Spitfire taking part in Battle of Britain flyover instinctively shoots at Nigel Farage out of habit

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A Spitfire taking part in the Battle of Britain flyover yesterday impulsively strafed the home of a right-wing ‘politician’ with fascist tendencies as it flew over Kent to mark the 80th anniversary of the Battle of Britain, it has emerged.

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British autumn under threat from Indian summer, claims Britain First

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The Indian summer being experienced by parts of the UK is threatening the far more deserving British autumn, according to a Britain First spokesracist today.

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Dominic Cummings shortlisted for Booker Prize with fictional masterpiece ‘The Tory Election Manifesto 2019’

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Megamind lookalike Dominic Cummings has been shortlisted for the Booker Prize after judges declared his work ‘The Conservative Election Manifesto 2019’ a ‘supreme work of fiction’.

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Government tells people unable to take Covid tests they will be allowed to use their predicted results

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The government is addressing a severe shortage of coronavirus testing kits by permitting those with symptoms to use teacher-predicted results.

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All testing issues ‘will be solved in a matter of weeks’ says Matt Hancock, back in April

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Health Secretary Matt Hancock has assured the nation today that the current testing issues faced by millions of people unable to be properly tested for coronavirus will be solved in a matter of weeks, just like he said in April, and May, and June.

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Schrödinger’s young person simultaneously expected to be out working in retail and hospitality while also staying home

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Britain’s young people must go to work, but they are wrong to be doing that, according to reports today.

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