UK

Games Workshop £5,000 staff bonus turns out to be one pot of paint and half a Primaris Marine

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Staff at retailer Games Workshop have received a promised £5,000 bonus in stock – meaning an average of one pot of Nuln Oil and ‘most of’ a Primaris Marine.

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‘Bloody foreigners, staying over there avoiding our jobs’ bemoans Brexiter

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Numerous Brexiters are today criticising the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints and drive lorries for decent British patriots.

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Priti Patel exploring possibility of raising dead and having them take on low-paid work

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It has been revealed that Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard Priti Patel has set up a working group to look into the possibility of raising the recently dead from their graves and having them take on low-paid work.

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Man who couldn’t handle pressure of being questioned by a weatherman accuses gymnast of not handling pressure of Olympic final

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A man who couldn’t handle the pressure of being questioned by a weatherman on TV has accused a 24-year-old woman of not being able to handle the pressure of competing for a gold medal at the Olympics.

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Team GB could lose dressage bronze medal after tests reveal pantomime horse

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Team GB could lose their Olympic dressage bronze medal after doping tests came back positive for use of a pantomime horse.

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“Oh sure, the girl along for the ride should get the Olympic medal,” complains horse

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Olympic dressage horse, Simon Williams is standing with his metaphorical arms crossed as he stands and watches the human who was riding him take all the glory.

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Man already unable to recall name of diver who won gold medal with Tom Daley

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Simon Williams has today admitted that he’s struggling to remember the name of the diver who won an Olympic gold medal with Tom Daley just 36 hours ago.

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UK hits highest rate of Covid app deletion since pandemic began

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Yesterday saw the highest daily rate of NHS Test and Trace Covid app deletion since the pandemic began.

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‘Bronze is nothing to celebrate’, insists man who threw a party when his book was 9th in the best-sellers list

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Piers Morgan has today diminished the achievements of bronze medalists at the Olympic games, insisting no one should celebrate coming 3rd, despite throwing a party when his book scraped in the top 10 best-sellers.

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Boris to implement laws to compel public to embrace new post-lockdown freedoms

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Boris Johnson will today announce a series of emergency measures that will compel people to embrace the new freedoms given to them by the lifting of all Covid restrictions.

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