UK

Britain currently more worried about flying ants than catching coronavirus

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Britain has issued a critical flying ant warning, whilst most people have apparently downgraded the risk of catching Covid-19 to ‘meh’.

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Would you score the required 70 points in the UK’s new points-based migration system? Take our interactive test to find out!

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The UK will introduce a points-based immigration system from January 1st 2021, designed to keep out the undesirable and admit only those we like and can contribute to post-Brexit Britain – but would YOU make the cut if you were trying to get in?

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New points-based migration system might still let foreigners in, warns Brexiter

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A points-based migration system could still allow some of those funny looking brown ones in, according to some Brexit supporters this morning.

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Royal Geographical Society launches expedition to find elusive Tory policy on compulsory face masks.

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The society that funded great explorers like Shackleton and Livingstone has announced it was putting together a team of expert trackers and giving them the mission to discover the whereabouts of the quasi-mystical conservative attitude towards mandating the wearing of face masks.

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Kanye West announces plans to run for Chelmsford Town Council

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Kanye West, twice winner of Bellend Magazine’s Bellend of the Year, has announced plans to run for election to Chelmsford’s Town Council.

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Brexiter having public meltdown over inconvenience of wearing a mask to the supermarket confident he will cope perfectly with ‘No Deal Brexit’

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A Brexiter who has spent three days furiously telling people how awful it is to have to wear a mask to the supermarket is confident the inconvenience of a no-deal Brexit is nothing to worry about.

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Satan launches ‘Get Ready for Judgement Day’ campaign

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The fallen angel Lucifer has ordered his hosts of minions to prepare a comprehensive information package for mortals to help them prepare for the upcoming apocalypse and make sure they are ready for the eternity of hellfire that they chose by their actions.

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Chris Grayling’s appointment as head of Intelligence Committee sees hundreds of foreign spies made redundant

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After Boris Johnson nominated the clusterfuck magnet that is Chris Grayling to head the ultra-sensitive Intelligence Committee, espionage agencies from Tehran to Moscow have sacked all their UK agents as they expect British secrets to be faxed to them shortly.

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Flabby coronavirus looking forward to getting back to the gym

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The coronavirus has declared its support for Government plans to continue easing lockdown and is looking forward to getting back to the gym.

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Chris Grayling accidentally locks himself in broom cupboard on first day as Chairman of Intelligence Committee

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Boris Johnson has appointed Chris Grayling as the new Chairman of the Intelligence and Security Committee, who has wasted no time in putting his own unique spin on the role.

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