UK

SNP offers an A-grade in Politics to anyone who can think of a way to blame exam result fiasco on Westminster

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Scottish Deputy First Minister John Swinney has told pupils not to worry too much about their lower than expected exam results, because you can get all A’s and still be a hopeless twat.

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Nation with strict gun-control laws somehow manages tenth successive year with no mass shootings

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A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go another year with no mass shootings.

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Rape far less serious than making Chris Grayling look like an idiot, explains Chief Whip

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The Tories have defended their decision not to suspect an MP accused of rape, citing internal procedures which only allows the withdrawal of the whip for egregious crimes such as embarrassing Chris Grayling or voting against the government while not being called Boris Johnson.

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Karen actually quite enjoying her newfound reputation for not taking any shit

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Karen Williams has spoken out today about how she’s actually kind of enjoying her newfound reputation for not taking any shit from those around her.

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Government asks everyone to focus instead on the 363 Tory MPs who haven’t been arrested on suspicion of rape

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The government has to today sought to end speculation around the identity of the former minister and current MP who has been arrested on suspicion of rape by asking people to focus instead on the 363 Tory MPs who haven’t.

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Brexit triumph as life expectancies edge closer to levels from before the UK joined the EU

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The government has hailed the news that life expectancies have stopped their unpatriotic climb and are finally heading towards the levels last seen in the halcyon days before 1973, while explaining that work is ongoing to replicate this across all facets of life.

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Baby Wilfred Johnson to be given booster seat in House of Lords

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Boris Johnson is to give his three-month-old son a peerage, it has emerged.

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Boris shuts eyes and lobs another dart at pandemic options board

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The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is being as decisive as usual.

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Avocado hoping to spend National Avocado Day being celebrated meets horrific end dissolved in stomach acid

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Avocados have been left bitterly disappointed after learning that National Avocado Day is in fact bad news for all of them.

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Compulsory gas masks a breach of human rights, insists Lord Haw-Haw

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Well-known wireless contrarian Lord Haw-Haw made a compelling case for compulsory gas masks being a breach of his human rights on his broadcast to Britain last night.

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