UK

‘Plan B? We haven’t got a f*cking clue what plan A is’ confirms government

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The government has revealed today that they may have to move immediately to their so-called ‘Plan B’ to deal with the pandemic this winter, because they haven’t got a fucking clue what plan A is, to be honest.

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70% of UK office workers wish to continue working from home because DUH

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Seven out of ten UK office workers wish to continue working from home because OBVIOUSLY, according to reports this morning.

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Liz Truss spends first morning as Foreign Secretary trying to locate Azkaban, Narnia and Mordor on a map

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Britain’s new Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs has spent the morning poring over a world atlas, according to Whitehall insiders.

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Gavin Williamson regrets letting Boris assess his grades

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The former Education Secretary now wishes he’d allowed end-of-cabinet exams to go ahead rather than proceed with a PM-based assessment.

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Woman who ate Ostrich anus to entertain people on live television made nation’s Minister for Culture

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Nadine Dorries has been made Minister for Culture, after demonstrating a thorough understanding of this nation’s rich cultural heritage when she ate Ostrich anus on live television for the entertainment of the viewers.

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‘Are the legal and moral boundaries anywhere near Dover?’ asks new Justice Secretary

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Dominic Raab’s inability to grasp where borders and limits are located is already proving to be an issue in his new role.

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House spiders having more sex than you

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Spiders infiltrating your home for the mating season are treating the place like a brothel because you aren’t.

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Reshuffle rumours: Ministers to move to other jobs they’re not qualified for

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Westminster is buzzing with rumours that the PM might be moving his ministers from jobs for which they have no relevant qualifications to other jobs for which they have no relevant qualifications.

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Fireworks remain on general sale for some reason

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Fireworks can still be bought by absolutely anyone, for reasons which remain unclear.

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Government to delay announcement of any Christmas lockdowns, until everyone’s works Christmas party is booked

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The government has revealed today that the announcement of any ‘last resort’ Christmas lockdowns will be delayed, at least until everyone’s work Christmas party has been booked.

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