UK

Scotch Egg declared ‘substantial meal’ following large cash donation to Tory party from mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch

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The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.

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Tins of Quality Street to be invisible to the naked eye by 2025

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Tins of Quality Street are getting smaller so fast they will be invisible to the naked eye ‘within the decade’, scientists have confirmed.

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Government looks to avoid third wave of infections, by extending second wave by three months

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The government has revealed plans to avoid a deadly third wave of coronavirus infections today by extending the current second wave by up to three months.

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Twitter man finds Tess Daly attractive

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An Essex man has taken to Twitter in order to alert the popular presenter Tess Daly to the fact that he finds her attractive.

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Government replaces national lockdown that hasn’t worked, with previous three-tier system that didn’t work

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The government has revealed today that it is replacing the national lockdown which hasn’t really worked, with the previous three-tier system in England, which didn’t really work.

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Tragic Grant Shapps and Gavin Williamson no longer know who is who

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In a tragic story from the heart of Government, it has been revealed that Grant Shapps and Gavin Williamson can no longer remember who is who.

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Witty patriot mocks Maradona’s death by recalling a war he played no part in for a place he knows nothing about

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A brilliant English sports fan deflated the pomposity of condolences over the death of football legend Diego Maradona, by pointing out that people he has never met once won a military victory over some remote islands that he believes are somewhere near Greenland.

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Man who had solid excuse for not staying with in-laws over Christmas, now completely f**ked

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A man who had a watertight excuse not to stay with his in-laws for two days over Christmas, is now completely fucked, it is revealed today.

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Priti Patel releases Christmas single: “Deck the halls and several interns”

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Priti Patel is getting into the Christmas spirit.

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New Christmas advice on crossing the road is to wait until you’re bored and then run into traffic

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The Government has issued surprising new advice on how to cross the road this Christmas, suggesting that people should wait by the side of the road until they get really bored with waiting and then just run out into the traffic and hope for the best.

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