UK

Christmas not actually worth saving, study finds

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The festive season is vastly overrated, a study has found.

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Outcry as sewage at British beaches contaminated by seawater

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Good honest British sewage is being contaminated by possibly foreign seawater on beaches up and down the land, according to reports today.

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Priti Patel’s plan to stop migrant boats by surrounding UK with floating barrier of shit nears completion

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Home Secretary and compassion black hole Priti Patel is reportedly very pleased to see that her aim of surrounding Britain with a protective ring of human shit is going to plan.

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Man Utd to give it to Big Sam until the end of the season

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Manchester United are set to give the job to big Sam Allardyce until the end of the season, it has been revealed today.

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PTA bake sale raises over 200 Covid cases for school

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A school bake sale has successfully raised the institution’s incidence of coronavirus by more than 200 cases.

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Man celebrates his ‘genius progeny’ after nursery teacher says child doing ‘really well’

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A man is celebrating a child genius today after a teacher told him his son was doing ‘really well’ at nursery during a parents evening meeting, something which she definitely won’t have said to everyone she spoke to that day.

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Excitement for Festival of Brexit at dangerously high levels

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Doctor’s have warned that the country’s levels of excitement about the Festival of Brexit are far too high and everyone just needs to calm down.

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Tories don’t need masks to go trick or treating, agrees everyone

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People generally agree that while Tory MPs should probably mask up when debating in the House of Commons, their normal faces will suffice when trying to scare people.

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Charles ‘in poor spirits’ after Queen sent home from hospital

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The Prince of Wales is feeling a bit down after getting all excited when his mother was taken into hospital for ‘checks’.

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Government’s Plan B: Putting fingers in ears and shouting ‘la la la’ to be made mandatory

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The British public will have to deny all evidence that Covid is a continuing and rising threat, under soon to be implemented government regulations.

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