UK

Coughing, feverish Boris Johnson personally licking shut thousands of Coronavirus letters for British households

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Boris Johnson has written a letter about the Covid-19 crisis, copies of which will be sent to every household in the country, and despite self-isolating for the disease himself the PM is pitching in by personally licking shut thousands of envelopes.

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You can not hide from me, self-isolating Dominic Cummings tells absolutely everyone in government

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Despite being self-isolated after showing symptoms of coronavirus, Dominic Cummings has issued a stark warning to government workers that he is everywhere at all times, regardless of his physical location.

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Bored Britons on lockdown grateful for opportunity to spend four hours changing all clocks in the house

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Britons a week into lockdown have announced their gratitude for the opportunity of undertaking a task that wasted a few of the hours they have going spare.

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British people secretly loving all this queuing

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British people are secretly getting a powerful erotic charge from lengthy queues outside supermarkets and petrol stations, it has emerged.

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Boris Johnson finally writes to his own children

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By writing to everyone in the country the Prime Minister is reaching out to his various offspring in a way he never has before.

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Stoner surprised to learn Britain is on lockdown

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Stoner Simon Williams was shocked to learn today that he’s been doing exactly what the government want by sitting on the sofa watching Netflix solidly for the last two weeks.

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People rejoicing at Tory ministers getting sick reminded that it can only happen for so long before Mark Francois becomes PM

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The government has explained that, if enough Tory MPs get incapacitated, the reins of the country could very well end up in the hands of a xenophobic potato who thinks he deserves a remembrance day all to himself, so maybe you should lay off the online snark.

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Self-isolating Boris spends first day making 100 red buses out of crates

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The Prime Minister may be self-isolating but he’s still getting his priorities right and making loads of crappy wooden red buses.

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Considerate BMW driver maintaining 6-foot social distancing from car in front

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BMW driver Simon Williams is doing his bit in the fight against Coronavirus by keeping an ‘unusually large’ six-foot gap between his car and the one in front, it has emerged.

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Mike Ashley ‘deeply sorry’ for allowing nation to see what an arsehole he is

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Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has today expressed how deeply sorry he is for accidentally letting the nation see what a money-grabbing arsehole he really is.

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