UK

Santa refused visa to deliver presents in post-Brexit UK

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Changes to Britain’s immigration system since leaving the European Union will stop Santa Claus from making his annual festive flying visit, it has emerged.

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A-level student narrowly misses out on first choice city in which to get drunk for three years

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A-level student Simon Williams will have to go through clearing after narrowly missing the grades he needed to get drunk for three years in Birmingham.

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‘We are not getting more stupider’ insist A Level students after fall in top grades

A Level students have reacted angrily to suggestions that lower grades this year means they are not as bright as their predecessors, telling critics ‘we are more cleverer than you think’.

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Nightclub introduces gender-neutral cocaine snorting cubicles

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Roxy’s Nightclub in North London is under fire this morning after it emerged the cubicles patrons use for chopping and snorting coke and K have been designated gender-neutral.

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Liz Truss promises to allow Tory Party members first dibs on contents of all charity collection boxes

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Tory leadership favourite and maniac Liz Truss has announced a bold new plan to grant all Tory Party members ‘first dibs’ on the contents of any and all charity collection boxes. “It is one of the great scandals of our time that the contents of charity collection boxes go to charities,” explained the Foreign Secretary […]

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Daily Mail celebrates ‘Barely legal sexy girls getting exam results’ day

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The Daily Mail is today celebrating the one day of the year where they can ask attractive eighteen-year-old girls to pose for photos without feeling at all seedy because it is A-Level results day. In between the usual fabricated stories about immigrants and benefit scroungers, editors at the Daily Mail will feel it entirely appropriate […]

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More bodies discovered in Willy Wonka’s chocolate river following drought

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A further three children’s bodies have been recovered from the chocolate river in Willy Wonka’s factory, after drought conditions led to the levels dropping so far they revealed the riverbed.

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Fringe comedians accused of ‘punching down’ after mocking soon to be unemployed man with dozens of kids to feed

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Whilst political satire has always been a mainstay at the Edinburgh Fringe, commentators are concerned that comedians are unfairly punching down on the soon to be unemployed Boris Johnson.

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Now it’s too cold, says Britain petulantly

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It’s too cold now and we wish it could be nice and warm like it was before, Britain has announced this evening.

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Jurgen Klopp blames fatigue as season extends into second game

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Liverpool’s second successive Premier League draw has been blamed on the hardships of playing football for over a fortnight.

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