Arthur Scargill joins Tories as new coal mine opens

Hero of the working classes, Arthur Scargill, has joined the Conservative Party after they allowed the opening of a new coal mine in Cumbria.

Despite years of bitter battling with the Tories as they closed practically every mine in the early eighties, the bizarre u-turn by for the former union leader has been welcomed by the Conservatives.

Mr Scargill formally apologised to the government for his past indiscretions, noting that he feels much better having been able to distance himself from the current Labour Party because of all the things the Mail told him about them.

Former Labour voter, Simon Williams, who started voting Conservative at the last election because Brexit, said, “It’s great to see my old mate Arthur finally coming over to the correct side and admitting he was wrong with all that nonsense in the eighties that I wholeheartedly agreed with at the time.

“It’s clear that the Tories were just looking out for us in the long run; closing all the mines so we could open them in the future, allowing us to get back to work at the grand old age of nearly ninety, unable to use our hands or ears after years of inadequate health and safety provision.

“It’s a great boost to a lot of us after seeing our pension fund pyramid schemes robbed by Tory cronies.

“Vote Tory for letting us get back into work! They are totally against ageism!”