Thursday 4 February 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Government asks if Captain Tom funeral procession could ‘go round the garden’ for some NHS funding

government asks for Captain Sir Tom funeral to go around the garden

The Government has put in an official request to Captain Tom’s family for his funeral procession to ‘go round the garden once or twice’ in order to raise funds for the NHS.

“It’s what he would have wanted,” said Boris Johnson, Prime Minister and fat shit.

“I think everyone is aware of the fact that there is nothing Captain Sir Tom Moore enjoyed more than walking around his garden to raise money for the NHS so that we don’t have to bother giving them any.

“So, we ask that, in tribute to a great man’s life, his funeral procession goes round the garden once, or maybe even twice and that if all the mourners could maybe get friends and family to sponsor them, then we could take the opportunity to turn such a solemn occasion into a bonanza for the NHS.

“Perhaps we could even have the coffin-bearers carrying some charity collection boxes, if that’s not too much, and they could collect NHS donations along the route.

“Think of it as one last great Captain Sir Tom push to raise money. Something like £350m a week would be useful.”

Mr Johnson also took the opportunity to encourage other centurions to come forward to take Captain Sir Tom’s place.

“It would a tremendous tribute to Captain Sir Tom if we had an army of centurions regularly marching around their gardens to raise money for the NHS.

“It’s either that or I start having to get my friends to pay their taxes properly, and no one wants that.”

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