Entertainment

Boris Johnson’s Animal Crossing island now just a wasteland covered in dogshit

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A Tory party insider has revealed that Prime Minister Boris fucking Johnson’s Animal Crossing island is just a blasted wasteland covered in dogshit.

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ITV apologises to Jim Davidson for lack of on-air representation for the ‘racist twat’ minority

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ITV has issued a full and unreserved apology today to former television comedian and current YouTube gammon-herder Jim Davidson, after admitting claims of a complete lack of on-air cultural representation for racist twats.

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Dominic Cummings shortlisted for Booker Prize with fictional masterpiece ‘The Tory Election Manifesto 2019’

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Megamind lookalike Dominic Cummings has been shortlisted for the Booker Prize after judges declared his work ‘The Conservative Election Manifesto 2019’ a ‘supreme work of fiction’.

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Festival of Brexit a great way to lift the spirits of those made unemployed by Brexit, says government

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Simon Williams MP, Minister for Jingoistic Dross, has confirmed that a hugely expensive mass gathering is just what the nation needs to deal with a contagious disease pandemic while the economy collapses.

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S Club 7 parties on hold as government bans gathering of more than six

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Long-suffering Britons are facing a bleak winter with little prospect of an S Club 7 party to lift the spirits.

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New rise in Covid figures ‘a middle-class hoax to have free theatre streams reinstated’

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It has been revealed that the spike in Covid figures is actually a hoax perpetrated by the middle classes in order to have free streams of National Theatre productions reinstated.

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NHS patients forced to wait up to three weeks to see Ian Brown from the Stone Roses

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Patients displaying symptoms of COVID-19 are having to wait up to three weeks to book an appointment with former Stone Roses’ frontman, Ian Brown, it has emerged.

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Production of The Batman paused after Robert Pattinson catches Covid from wearing a mask that didn’t cover his mouth

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Production of The Batman has been paused after it emerged star Robert Pattinson contracted Covid-19 due to wearing a mask that doesn’t cover his mouth and nose.

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Critics of Strictly Come Dancing’s first same-sex pairing advised to say it to Nicola Adams’ face

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Anyone who has a problem with a same-sex pairing on the upcoming series of Strictly have been told they should say it to Nicola Adam’s face if they think they’re hard enough, it has emerged.

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Man who doesn’t watch Strictly because ‘dancing is for gays’ furious as show announces first ever same sex pairing

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A man who refuses to watch Strictly Come Dancing on tv because ‘dancing is just for girls and gays’ is furious this morning as the first-ever same-sex couple have been announced for this year’s show.

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