Entertainment

The NewsThump guide to places you can visit during the national lockdown

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With Britain being ordered not to go out, you might think that your options for away days and tourism are limited. But here are some suggestions which will make the time fly by with a list of exciting places to visit from the comfort of your own home!

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We should end social distancing for the good of the economy, suggests High Priest of Nurgle

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Social distancing and quarantining risk causing damage to the economy to an extent ‘which is worse than the cure’, according to leading figures in the worship of Nurgle today.

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Doctors warn loss of sense of taste caused by Coronavirus can result in people buying Nickelback albums

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Scientists have issued their direst warning yet that Coronavirus can cause people to lose their sense of taste, after a global spike in sales of Nickelback, Phil Collins and U2 in recent weeks.

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Government urges Proclaimers to reduce their walk to 5 miles

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The Proclaimers have today been urged by government officials to reduce the length of their walk to one per cent its normal distance, according to reports this afternoon.

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Albert Uderzo retires to the Mansions of the Gods

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The gods Belenos and Toutatis are reported to be preparing an enormous welcoming feast of roast boar in honour of their newest arrival, after Albert Uderzo died at the age of 92 overnight.

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Tom Nook ordered to close his shop due to Coronavirus

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Money-grubbing Raccoon sociopath Tom Nook has been ordered to close his shop to help prevent the spread of Coronavirus, according to reports.

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Woman reaches the ‘singing to her cat’ stage of self-isolation

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Seven days into self-isolation and local woman Simone Williams is singing to her cat, we can report.

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Woman with no kids curls up on sofa to enjoy ‘PE with Joe’

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Basingstoke resident Amanda Williams took 30 minutes out for herself this morning to enjoy watching Joe Wicks workout live on YouTube.

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Covid-19 claims Harvey Weinstein consented to infection

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After convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein was revealed to have Covid-19, the disease has been quick to explain that it was a completely consensual infection.

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Successful medical trial proves celebrities singing ‘Imagine’ causes Coronavirus to die of embarrassment

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Celebrities have unwittingly helped in the global fight against coronavirus by finding a way to make it voluntarily die of complete embarrassment.

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