Entertainment

Crimewatch to return to our TV screens but will be renamed ‘The Great British Crimewatch’

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The hit show Crimewatch, which ran for thirty-three series because Brits enjoy committing crimes so much, is to make a return to TV next year, but following new government guidance, the programme will be renamed to make it more patriotic.

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Having a ‘Wet Ass Pussy’ not linked to Covid vaccine either, confirms Professor Chris Whitty

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WAP is not linked to receiving the vaccine for coronavirus, Britain’s Chief Medical Officer has today confirmed.

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Timmy Mallett accidentally stumbles into Met Gala and immediately wins ‘Best Outfit’

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Timmy Mallett is the new king of fashion.

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Nicki Minaj stuns at the Met Gala in glorious swollen testicle dress

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Rapper Nicki Minaj stunned at last night’s Met Gala after appearing in a dress composed mainly of two large and swollen testicles.

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Mysterious new character in Ghosts revealed as Timothy Claypole

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The mysterious figure who appeared in the gardens of Button Manor at the end of the last episode of Ghosts has been revealed as gurning, prancing Buffoon Timothy Claypole, thereby ruining the whole thing.

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Government to minimise nightclub crowds by getting Michael Gove to attend

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The government has ditched plans to introduce vaccine passports for nightclubs, coming up with a much simpler way to prevent overcrowding.

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Emma Raducanu dedicates US Open win to “all the creepy middle-aged man-children out there”

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18-year-old tennis prodigy, Emma Raducanu, the first qualifier to ever win a Grand Slam and the most successful female British player in almost fifty years, has taken the time after her historic win to give thanks to all the slimey former GMB presenters who feel the need to comment on her every move.

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EU quotas force Fish to cancel European tour

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Post-Brexit EU Fish quotas mean that Marillion will not be able to bring lead singer Fish into Europe with them and, as such, have been forced to cancel next month’s European tour.

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Matrix 4 to include new purple pill to make you forget Matrix 2 and 3 happened

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The much anticipated new Matrix 4 film, The Matrix Resurrections is set to give protagonists a new third choice pill, in which they can pretend Matrix 2 and 3 did not happen.

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Warning that new ABBA album dramatically increases risk of Mamma Mia 3

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Alert levels around the world have risen this morning after reports that a new album from ABBA dramatically increases the risk of Mamma Mia 3.

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