Entertainment

New edition of Warhammer 40,000 launched ten minutes after fans finish paying off their credit cards from the last one

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Fans of Warhammer 40,000 are reported to be delighted, excited and facing crippling debt after the 9th edition of the game was announced within minutes of the final instalments on the last one being paid.

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‘Loss of taste’ added to COVID-19 symptoms as government recommends self-isolation for anyone who recently enjoyed Mrs Brown’s Boys

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The government has added ‘loss of taste’ to the potential symptoms of the coronavirus, and is advising a period of self-isolation for anyone who has recently enjoyed an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

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Neil Gaiman blames sudden arrival in Scotland from New Zealand during lockdown on the faerie folk

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Author Neil Gaiman has blamed an 11,000 mile trip to his second home on being swept up by the magickal chariot of Queen Mab of the faeries, according to reports this morning.

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Keir Starmer drowns puppies, insists Nadine Dorries

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Leading authority on idiocy, Nadine Dorries, has called out the Leader of the Labour Party as a cold-blooded puppy murderer, it has been reported.

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Judge Dredd advised to wear respirator at all times in public

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Justice Department has confirmed Judges should wear their respirators at all times during the current outbreak of disease because you know what the common citizens are like, according to reports this morning.

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United Kingdom commemorates 23rd anniversary of Victory in Eurovision Day

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People throughout the UK have spent the day commemorating and celebrating the 23rd anniversary of Victory in Eurovision Day.

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Ducks, goats and deer planning massive bank holiday weekend at Alton Towers

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The UK’s wildlife is using lockdown as an opportunity to have it large at the UK’s biggest theme park.

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You won’t laugh at my child’s name when he’s Emperor of Mars, insists Elon Musk

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People laughing at Elon Musk calling his newborn son X Æ A-12 will be sorry when they’re battling his atomic space-legions in thirty years time, Elon Musk has predicted this morning.

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Bank of Nook seeks 4.5bn Bell government bailout after ‘huge bet’ on turnip market goes wrong

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The Bank of Nook is facing criticism today after it approached the government for a 4.5bn bell bailout due to ‘massively risky’ speculation in the tarantula and turnip futures markets going wrong.

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Love Island 2020 cancelled as producers realise contestants can’t shag whilst 2m apart

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Producers of ITV2’s ironically classified intellectual property, Love Island, have cancelled 2020’s series after it became clear that the contestants would be unable to fuck whilst keeping 2m apart.

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