Entertainment

Sue Gray announces short UK tour in support of ‘Lockdown Party Report’

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Sue Gray has announced a short UK tour in support of the release of her long-awaited ‘Lockdown Party Report.’

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Daily Downing Street press briefings to return specifically for party updates

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The nation is to be kept abreast of parties at Number 10 via the reintroduction of daily press conferences.

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NATO on ‘heightened alert’ as escalating conflict between Taylor Swift and Damon Albarn heads towards war

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NATO has issued stern warnings to both Taylor Swift and Damon Albarn as tensions continue to rise between the pair.

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Police decline to investigate Michael Gove’s lockdown birthday party after no one turned up

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The Metropolitan Police have declined to investigate reports of Michael Gove holding a birthday party for himself during lockdown after it was revealed that none of those invited actually bothered going.

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Met Police calls in Sherlock Holmes for the mysterious case of ‘the lockdown breaches the guilty have already publicly admitted to’

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The Met Police have called in consulting detective Sherlock Holmes after drawing a blank in their investigation of the mysterious lockdown breaches in which the guilty parties have repeatedly and publicly admitted their guilt.

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Boris Johnson announces inquiry into when his birthday is

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Perpetually perplexed premier Boris Johnson will convene a parliamentary investigation into the date of his own birthday, it has emerged.

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Nadine Dorries tells Tory rebels ‘If you really want attention, try eating kangaroo anus on television’

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Nadine Dorries has told the ‘attention seeking’ Tory rebels criticising Boris Johnson that they are all doing it wrong.

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Gone, like a bat out of hell

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Meatloaf was gone when the morning came today, and all the words have gone out of my mouth.

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Bat Out of Hell roars into heaven on a silver black phantom bike

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Meat Loaf has rocked up in heaven on a motorbike this morning.

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NewsThump presents the hot new word game – Thora Hird-le

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Wordle! Everyone loves this thinly-veiled rip-off of the Mastermind board game. But, for some people, guessing a five-letter word is too easy and provides an all-too-brief respite from their otherwise miserable existence.

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