Environment

Only flies, cockroaches and Theresa May could survive nuclear blast confirm scientists

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After a six month study, scientists have confirmed that Theresa May joins cockroaches and flies in being the only creatures who could survive a nuclear blast.

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“Oh crap, maybe Thanos WAS the good guy” says Avengers spokesman

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Avenger Dr Bruce Banner apologised today for a lack of forethought and causing an environmental disaster that will almost certainly wipe out the human race.

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Government declares climate emergency compelling it to ignore global warming with greater urgency

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The government has declared a climate emergency which will compel it to urgently ignore issues surrounding global warming.

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Shrimp partying like f**k

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Shrimp in Britain’s rivers are ripped off their tits pretty much 24/7, we can reveal.

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Fracking Tsar resigns after failing to strike balance between collapsing houses and cheap energy

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Fracking tsar, Natascha Engel, has quit after being “throttled” by rules which prevent fracking-induced earthquakes strong enough to form new continents.

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Anti-vax bellends somehow worried about creating children as amazing as Greta Thunberg

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Anti-vax arseholes responsible for the coming measles pandemic are of the opinion that large scale infant mortality problems are better than creating a generation of highly-intelligent autistic children capable of understanding basic science.

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2078: As global warming destroys planet, people just glad Londoners of the past could get home in time for the One Show

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After a decade that saw vast swathes of equatorial land become too hot to sustain population, that saw the loss of 50% of Europe’s land mass to flooding, and that saw conclusive proof that climate change would destroy the planet within a generation, the overriding emotion of the remaining population of Britain was one of relief that Londoners of 2019 were able to get home in time for the One Show.

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“You can have plastic straws if we can hammer one up your nostril and leave the rest in your house”

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McDonald’s are willing to compromise on their straws.

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Londoners demand drastic solutions to climate change that also cause them no inconvenience whatsoever

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After a week of disruption by the Extinction Rebellion protesters, Londoners of all stripes agreed that climate change is an urgent problem seeking radical action, just not the sort of action that would require leaving for work a bit earlier.

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New study shows that the dinosaurs were wiped out by starvation, due to Dexit

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Scientists studying the site of a meteorite strike on Earth 66 million years ago, which destroyed the dinosaurs, have revealed that they have found a number of prehistoric, dino-polling stations in the rock.

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