Environment

Fly who won’t obey simple instruction to go out window must be some sort of idiot

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A fly who has been buzzing around near an open window without actually flying through it has been branded ‘an idiot’ by the man who opened the window.

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Human race once again presses snooze button on climate ‘wake up call’

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Humanity wants just five more minutes before it gets on with reversing climate change, statistics reveal today.

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Alok Sharma warns of imminent climate catastrophe unless we change the behaviour of people like Alok Sharma

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Business Secretary and president of the COP 26 conference, Alok Sharma, had delivered a stark message to his counterparts that the planet could no longer withstand the irresponsible actions of hypocrites who talk about saving the planet but then fly across the world just for a chat.

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Environmentalist Margaret Thatcher sank General Belgrano to create habitat for rare sea life, insists Boris Johnson

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After remarking that Margaret Thatcher’s closing of the coal mines kick-started the fight against climate change, Boris Johnson has put her other controversies into the proper eco-friendly context.

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New Doctor Who to be bigoted sociopath who hates foreigners

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Following the shock news that Jodie Whittaker is to leave the role of Doctor Who, the show’s producers have revealed that, in keeping with modern sentiment, her replacement will be a bigoted sociopath who despises anyone who isn’t middle-class and white.

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Deer admits lifelong ambition to kill and eat a second-rate television presenter

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A red deer living in Windsor Great Park has spoken of his lifelong ambition to kill and eat a second-rate television presenter, especially if he gets to hunt down the presenter for a while first.

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Boris Johnson excuses himself from climate conference and takes short flight back to London for lunch

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Boris Johnson has left the G7 climate conference at 11am on the first day to fly back to London for a spot of lunch.

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Man with shit memory confident massive 5p increase will make him remember his pissing carrier bags

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A man with a shit memory, who hasn’t remembered his plastic carrier bags at the shops for weeks is confident today that the massive 5p increase in cost will finally cure his memory.

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Boris Johnson tells COP26 to ‘get serious’ by getting his pole dancing mistress to drive a forklift through a wall of kippers.

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World leaders planning to attend the climate conference in Glasgow were delighted to be lectured on taking things seriously by Boris Johnson, a man famous for his sombre dignity and his inexhaustible laser focus on complex subjects.

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Swan incapable of breaking a man’s arm ostracised from swan community

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A swan who is unable to break a man’s arm has found himself ostracised from the swan community.

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