Environment

New Government guidelines on unsafe cladding include ‘Don’t set fire to anything’ and ‘Pray’

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Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick yesterday announced a raft of measures to tackle the problem of unsafe cladding on England’s high-rises.

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Arthur Scargill joins Tories as new coal mine opens

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Hero of the working classes, Arthur Scargill, has joined the Conservative Party after they allowed the opening of a new coal mine in Cumbria.

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Murdering the leaf-blower man now permissible by law

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A new law has been rushed through parliament that will see the murdering of the leaf-blower man permissible if he won’t just shut the f**k up.

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China aims to be zero-carbon by 2060 and zero-Uyghur by 2030

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Chinese President Xi Jinping has made the shock announcement that by 2060 China will no longer contribute to the world’s carbon emissions – and that by 2030 it will no longer contribute to the world’s Uyghur population.

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Environmental disaster! Chelmsford rainforests now completely eradicated

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In a new catastrophe for the environment, the famous rainforests of Chelmsford, known as ‘Essex’s Lungs’ have been completely eradicated, say scientists.

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The only respectable way to muzzle the press is to have journalists beaten up, insists Boris Johnson

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The Prime Minister has condemned activist group Extinction Rebellion for trying to stop the work of British journalists with peaceful sit-ins instead of the traditional methods of grabbing mobile phones, hiding in fridges and assaulting reporters in their homes.

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Butterfly turns into a moth after listening to the Sisters of Mercy

A local butterfly has ‘gone moth’ and changed its name to Lucius Doomskull after listening to Floodland once too often, it has emerged.

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Discarded Guitar Hero controllers now account for 37% of all plastic pollution

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Plastic video game controllers in the shape of guitars account for nearly 40% of the world’s plastic pollution, according to reports today.

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Furloughed worker with every window open in his house delighted at government’s £2bn insulation fund

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After the government chose the middle of summer to announce plans to spend £2bn insulating the nation’s homes, a furloughed worker with every window in his house fully open has asked if there might be more pressing matters to spend that money on at the moment.

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Wasps target 60% increase in bastardy during summer

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The International Federation of Wasps have announced an ambitious target of a 60% increase in bastardy over the course of summer.

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