Environment

Jokes about drowning teenage girls are hilarious, insist people who had a fit when people made jokes about milkshakes

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Ardent leavers have rallied around Arron Banks, who is being criticised for joking that Greta Thurnberg would die while crossing the Atlantic, highlighting that many brexiteers still live under the threat of being doused by dairy products.

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Stare at seagulls to defeat them at chess, say scientists

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For many years, humans have struggled to beat seagulls in a game of chess, but scientists now think they have the solution.

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Govt issues heatwave warning urging climate change deniers to maybe shut the fuck up for a while

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As Britain bakes in record-breaking heat, the government has been issuing advice such as drinking cold water, staying in the shade and “keeping your gob shut if you’re one of these attention-seeking bellends who claims climate change is a hoax”.

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Man sent into furious tailspin by Extinction Rebellion adamant he will cope fine with No Deal Brexit

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A red-faced man who has been apoplectic since his commute was slightly lengthened due to the actions of Extinction Rebellion sees no contradiction with his claims that he could shrug off any minor hardships brought about by a No Deal exit from the EU.

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Massive earthquakes reported as California tries to remove itself from rest of the United States

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The state of California was causing massive earthquakes as it tried to join another tectonic plate over the weekend.

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Brexit Party warns that shark off Cornwall coast actually a disguised submarine full of migrants

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Brexit Party officials have taken time out from their busy schedule of staring at the back wall to warn British citizens that a large shark off the coast of Cornwall is likely just a group of migrants looking to take advantage of our soft-touch benefits system.

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Summer officially begins as The Sun runs its annual ‘Shark spotted off coast of Cornwall’ story

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GREAT NEWS! It’s time to break out the beach towels and tanning lotion as The Sun has OFFICIALLY LAUNCHED SUMMER by running its annual “A Great White Shark Has Been Spotted Off The Coast Of Cornwall” story.

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Glastonbury site left spotless by festivalgoers after David Attenborough speech

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A field normally given over to grazing dairy cattle was returned to its former, pristine condition last night.

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Only flies, cockroaches and Theresa May could survive nuclear blast confirm scientists

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After a six month study, scientists have confirmed that Theresa May joins cockroaches and flies in being the only creatures who could survive a nuclear blast.

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“Oh crap, maybe Thanos WAS the good guy” says Avengers spokesman

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Avenger Dr Bruce Banner apologised today for a lack of forethought and causing an environmental disaster that will almost certainly wipe out the human race.

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