Environment

Global leaders announce plans to hope climate catastrophe sorts itself out

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In response to huge climate protests around the world, leaders from all nations have announced plans to hope it all sorts itself out.

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Boy missing school to take part in global climate strike wins fourth straight game of Fifa

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A fourteen-year-old schoolboy from Basingstoke is today fighting for the environment whilst also improving his Fifa skills on his PlayStation.

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Habitable planet absolutely shitting itself after being discovered by humans

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Planet K2-18b, which scientists say contains water and gases compatible with the presence of life, is said to be ‘absolutely cacking it’ at having been spotted by the notorious ‘human race’.

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The 1975 left in tears after clever Tory MP asks them why they aren’t cycling to Japan since they’re against climate change

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A planned world tour for the electro-pop music group, The 1975, was in jeopardy last night after legendary wit and Tory MP David Davies, exposed the hypocrisy of their ideals and, worst of all, hinted that middle-aged conservative MPs from South Wales might not like them.

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‘You f*ckers are useless’ declares David Attenborough as he arrives in the Amazon in stolen fire engine

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David Attenborough has had enough and has taken matters into his own hands.

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Media declare Amazon fires ‘important enough for front page’ after discovery of old cathedral in the rain forest

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The world’s media has agreed that the Amazon forest fires are worthy of the front page after learning that an old cathedral was threatened along with 20% of the planet’s oxygen making ability.

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Jokes about drowning teenage girls are hilarious, insist people who had a fit when people made jokes about milkshakes

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Ardent leavers have rallied around Arron Banks, who is being criticised for joking that Greta Thurnberg would die while crossing the Atlantic, highlighting that many brexiteers still live under the threat of being doused by dairy products.

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Stare at seagulls to defeat them at chess, say scientists

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For many years, humans have struggled to beat seagulls in a game of chess, but scientists now think they have the solution.

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Govt issues heatwave warning urging climate change deniers to maybe shut the fuck up for a while

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As Britain bakes in record-breaking heat, the government has been issuing advice such as drinking cold water, staying in the shade and “keeping your gob shut if you’re one of these attention-seeking bellends who claims climate change is a hoax”.

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Man sent into furious tailspin by Extinction Rebellion adamant he will cope fine with No Deal Brexit

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A red-faced man who has been apoplectic since his commute was slightly lengthened due to the actions of Extinction Rebellion sees no contradiction with his claims that he could shrug off any minor hardships brought about by a No Deal exit from the EU.

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