Environment

Deer admits lifelong ambition to kill and eat a second-rate television presenter

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A red deer living in Windsor Great Park has spoken of his lifelong ambition to kill and eat a second-rate television presenter, especially if he gets to hunt down the presenter for a while first.

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Boris Johnson excuses himself from climate conference and takes short flight back to London for lunch

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Boris Johnson has left the G7 climate conference at 11am on the first day to fly back to London for a spot of lunch.

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Man with shit memory confident massive 5p increase will make him remember his pissing carrier bags

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A man with a shit memory, who hasn’t remembered his plastic carrier bags at the shops for weeks is confident today that the massive 5p increase in cost will finally cure his memory.

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Boris Johnson tells COP26 to ‘get serious’ by getting his pole dancing mistress to drive a forklift through a wall of kippers.

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World leaders planning to attend the climate conference in Glasgow were delighted to be lectured on taking things seriously by Boris Johnson, a man famous for his sombre dignity and his inexhaustible laser focus on complex subjects.

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Swan incapable of breaking a man’s arm ostracised from swan community

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A swan who is unable to break a man’s arm has found himself ostracised from the swan community.

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Google Maps to start showing ‘scenic’ routes which are just a bit less shit

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Google Maps is to start directing drivers to routes which it calculates are just a little bit more ‘scenic’ based on a list of factors it is revealed today.

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Suez canal closed again after discarded Jacob’s cracker dries up the entire thing

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The Suez canal is closed again.

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Greta Thunberg statue to power two million homes by harnessing the rage of hypocritical Daily Mail readers

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The University of Winchester has announced a pioneering leap in renewable energy by being able to generate electricity from the rage and bluster of right-wing dotards beautifully cornered by their own cretinous stance on the sanctity of statues.

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New Government guidelines on unsafe cladding include ‘Don’t set fire to anything’ and ‘Pray’

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Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick yesterday announced a raft of measures to tackle the problem of unsafe cladding on England’s high-rises.

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Arthur Scargill joins Tories as new coal mine opens

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Hero of the working classes, Arthur Scargill, has joined the Conservative Party after they allowed the opening of a new coal mine in Cumbria.

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