Environment

Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops

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Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

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Ladybirds forced to rebrand after ‘sexism’ complaints

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Ladybirds have been forced to rebrand themselves following a series of complaints that their name is ‘sexist’.

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New case of Mad Cow disease detected after Scottish heifer insists no-deal Brexit is a ‘fantastic idea’

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A new case of mad cow disease has been confirmed after the animal in question mooed in favour of a no-deal Brexit.

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Men warn of huge risks to planet if lounge temperature rise exceeds 1.5 C

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Men who are “careful with their money” have warned of the huge risks to humanity if the temperature of the living room rises by the forecast 1.5C.

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Bloody swans demanding gluten-free bread now

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The pushy middle-class parents of the waterfowl world have announced that they’re gluten intolerant and you need to respect that.

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Summer officially over as the first Tory backstabbing of Autumn is sighted near Westminster

Thumbnail image for Summer officially over as the first Tory backstabbing of Autumn is sighted near Westminster

Observers of seasonal change have blamed climate change for an early fall, as many people reported squirrels hoarding nuts, leaves turning brown and members of the Conservative party ruthlessly putting their own ambitions over party loyalty, the good of the country or even basic decency.

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Seagulls refusing to follow the trawler due to scallop-related violence

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The normal state of affairs, in which seagulls follow trawlers, has been savagely interrupted by our former friends and EU partners, France.

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Ignore what the so-called ‘experts’ say and throw us some damn bread, demand ducks

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Ducks across the country are demanding that you continue to throw pieces of bread in their direction, no matter how bad so-called experts insist it might be for them.

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Black giraffe was ‘acting suspiciously’, claims Breitbart

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As a female trophy hunter drew the ire of the Internet by shooting a rare black giraffe and boasting about it on social media, right-wing news website Breitbart.com leapt to her defence and insisted that the victim was being aggressive and left the woman with no choice but to shoot.

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Roads become self-healing as tarmac melts to fill potholes

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The UK’s roads have officially become self-healing in the ongoing heatwave as tarmac is melting to fill in potholes up and down the country.

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