Environment

Man with shit memory confident massive 5p increase will make him remember his pissing carrier bags

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A man with a shit memory, who hasn’t remembered his plastic carrier bags at the shops for weeks is confident today that the massive 5p increase in cost will finally cure his memory.

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Boris Johnson tells COP26 to ‘get serious’ by getting his pole dancing mistress to drive a forklift through a wall of kippers.

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World leaders planning to attend the climate conference in Glasgow were delighted to be lectured on taking things seriously by Boris Johnson, a man famous for his sombre dignity and his inexhaustible laser focus on complex subjects.

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Swan incapable of breaking a man’s arm ostracised from swan community

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A swan who is unable to break a man’s arm has found himself ostracised from the swan community.

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Google Maps to start showing ‘scenic’ routes which are just a bit less shit

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Google Maps is to start directing drivers to routes which it calculates are just a little bit more ‘scenic’ based on a list of factors it is revealed today.

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Suez canal closed again after discarded Jacob’s cracker dries up the entire thing

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The Suez canal is closed again.

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Greta Thunberg statue to power two million homes by harnessing the rage of hypocritical Daily Mail readers

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The University of Winchester has announced a pioneering leap in renewable energy by being able to generate electricity from the rage and bluster of right-wing dotards beautifully cornered by their own cretinous stance on the sanctity of statues.

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New Government guidelines on unsafe cladding include ‘Don’t set fire to anything’ and ‘Pray’

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Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick yesterday announced a raft of measures to tackle the problem of unsafe cladding on England’s high-rises.

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Arthur Scargill joins Tories as new coal mine opens

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Hero of the working classes, Arthur Scargill, has joined the Conservative Party after they allowed the opening of a new coal mine in Cumbria.

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Murdering the leaf-blower man now permissible by law

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A new law has been rushed through parliament that will see the murdering of the leaf-blower man permissible if he won’t just shut the f**k up.

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China aims to be zero-carbon by 2060 and zero-Uyghur by 2030

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Chinese President Xi Jinping has made the shock announcement that by 2060 China will no longer contribute to the world’s carbon emissions – and that by 2030 it will no longer contribute to the world’s Uyghur population.

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