Health

Woman feels a bit too ill to wear a mask today

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A woman has elected to not wear a mask today, as she’s feeling a little bit ill and the mask would just make her feel even worse.

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Man who spent years insisting our rules should only be made by ‘sovereign’ parliament not that keen on their rules about health passports

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A keen Brexiter who spent five years insisting the nation’s rules should only be set by our sovereign parliament is suddenly not that keen on complying with the rules set by his freshly-sovereign parliament, if it means he has to show his vaccine status to go to a football match.

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UK hits highest rate of Covid app deletion since pandemic began

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Yesterday saw the highest daily rate of NHS Test and Trace Covid app deletion since the pandemic began.

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Boris to implement laws to compel public to embrace new post-lockdown freedoms

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Boris Johnson will today announce a series of emergency measures that will compel people to embrace the new freedoms given to them by the lifting of all Covid restrictions.

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New advice that highly flatulent people should wear ‘arse masks’ in enclosed spaces

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After government officials admitted that it was now possible people could catch Covid from other people’s farts, highly flatulent people will be asked to wear arse masks in enclosed spaces.

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I won’t play for a ‘discriminated audience’ insists man who happily supported Enoch Powell

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Eric Clapton will no longer play in front of ‘discriminated audiences’ in an astonishing break with a fifty-year tradition, it has emerged.

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Brexiter refuses vaccine passport but still insists they should be BLUE

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Your local Brexiter is branding vaccine passports as a disgrace but is still insistent on what colour they should be.

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Government announces plan to make nightclubs entirely arsehole-free by September

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The government has announced a new policy which it says could ensure all nightclubs are free of simpering idiots who seem to think limiting nightclub access was a cornerstone of Nazi Germany policy.

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The first thing the Nazis did was implement a vaccine passport system for nightclubs, insists moron

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A man who doesn’t understand fascism is today insisting that stopping people from going to nightclubs is how the Nazi’s started.

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Door staff thrilled at the prospect of dealing with drunken anti-vaxxers

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The prospect of vaccine passports opens the door to a whole new world of adventure for Britain’s door staff.

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