Health

‘I’m not taking some useless 70% effective vaccine’ says man queuing up for 52% effective flu jab

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A man has revealed today that he will not be taking some useless 70% effective Oxford vaccine to protect him against coronavirus, whilst standing outside his local GP practice waiting for his 52% effective flu vaccine.

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Government to launch test and trace system in order to locate world-beating test and trace system

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The Government is implementing a new test and trace system for test and trace systems because it appears to have mislaid its world-beating one.

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Coronavirus agrees to Christmas truce

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The coronavirus has reportedly agreed to comply with the Government’s plans to lift Covid restrictions over Christmas and has promised not to infect anyone between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day.

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UK testing ‘Megalabs’ will only be accessible via ten hour Megabus trip

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In line with the government’s existing testing strategy, new facilities – known as ‘Megalabs’ – will be incredibly difficult to get to.

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Government confirms it’s waiting for Black Friday before ordering any more vaccine doses

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The government has revealed today that it is holding out for the Black Friday sales before ordering any more expensive vaccine doses.

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Boris Johnson self-isolating after Test and Trace urgently advise he came into contact with someone with Coronavirus three months ago

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Boris Johnson is self-isolating today, after finding out from NHS Test and Trace that he came into contact with someone with Coronavirus some time in mid to late August.

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Boris Johnson self-isolating to protect other people from Boris Johnson

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been ordered to self-isolate in order to protect other people from Boris Johnson.

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Sixteen dead of novichok poisoning after ‘hugely successful’ Russian covid vaccine trial

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Sixteen opposition politicians in Russia are guaranteed never to catch Corobavirus after an experimental vaccine killed them stone dead, according to reports.

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Students offered virus distribution contract

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The Conservative Party have offered the lucrative coronavirus distribution contract to the UK student population.

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Guinness recalls cans of non-alcoholic stout because, what’s the point?

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Guinness is recalling all cans of its non-alcoholic stout today because there is absolutely no point in drinking it.

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