Health

So are we allowed to get back to it now, or not, ask doggers

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The dogging community are in a state of confusion after Prime Minister Boris Johnson updated the official guidance on meeting up with other people during the lockdown.

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Hating Donald Trump confers immunity to Coronavirus, insist Londoners

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Londoners have abandoned social distancing and lockdown restrictions entirely after it emerged that nursing a powerful hatred of the President of the United States confers almost complete immunity to the Covid-19 virus.

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Durdle Door applies for French citizenship

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A section of Dorset’s Jurassic Coast is planning to go and live across the Channel due to the appalling way it’s been treated by Brits.

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Man tweeting #AllLivesMatter also advocates risking vulnerable people dying from Covid-19 to get economy going again

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A man who is busy Tweeting #AllLivesMatter whenever he sees the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag was busy last week insisting we need to reopen the economy even if it means risking the lives of the more vulnerable in our society.

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Ban on having sex with people from other households suggested by Carrie Symonds when Boris wasn’t looking

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New lockdown guidance which came into force yesterday and restricts individuals from different households sleeping together was suggested by the Prime Minister’s fiancée, it has emerged.

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People bored of lockdown flock to IKEA to make staying at home seem less shit

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Thousands of people have been coping with the stresses and strains of lockdown by replacing them with the stresses and strains of going to Ikea.

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Weather absolutely perfect for all this year’s cancelled events

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The weather is absolutely perfect for all those festivals, church garden parties and village fetes that you won’t be having this year, we can report.

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Primark can’t do discounts as that would mean giving money to you

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Primark will not be having a sale because “are you mental?” according to reports this morning.

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Government coronavirus strategy enters the ‘Hope it all sorts itself out’ phase

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The Government strategy for managing coronavirus has now officially moved from the ‘Lockdown’ phase into the ‘Hope it all sorts itself out’ phase.

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Government facing record debts asks pension recipients to ignore those pesky doctors and just go mingle

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The government has asked the 2 million people it had previously deemed extremely vulnerable to COVID 19 to do their bit in helping the nation’s finances by leaving confinement because they’ve had a good innings but, you know, money’s tight at the moment.

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