Health

Scientists discover positive correlation between proximity to Boris Johnson and daily alcohol consumption

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The closer you are to Boris Johnson, the more alcohol you are likely to consume, according to science this morning.

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Leaked footage shows nobody in Downing Street has washed their hands for two years

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Downing Street staff haven’t washed their hands since the start of the pandemic, new videos show.

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Dinosaurs announce plan to ‘learn to live with’ planet-destroying asteroid

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After long discussions and internal conflict amongst the dinosaur leadership, dinosaurs have finally settled on a plan to ‘learn to live with’ an asteroid that is on course to smash into earth, killing every living thing on the planet.

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Fully-vaccinated French newcomer Novacques Chocoviche given wild-card entry to Australian Open

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Previously unknown French tennis player Novacques Chocoviche has been given a wild-card entry to the Australian Open after proving his vaccination status.

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Man finally able to visit family in Australia after purchasing some plane tickets and a tennis racquet

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A man is finally able to visit his family in Australia, after buying himself some plane tickets and a nice new Slazenger tennis racquet.

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Person discovered in Britain who doesn’t actually have Covid

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A person has been discovered in the country who, staggeringly, doesn’t yet have Covid.

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Government to tackle rising cases of Omicron by running out of testing kits

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The government is to tackle rising cases of Omicron in the UK, by running out of testing kits to enable them to be recorded.

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Desperate family forced to start on the Quality Street toffee pennies

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Things have got so bleak in a Chelmsford household that the desperate family have been forced to turn to the handful of toffee pennies in the Quality Street tub.

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Anti-vaxxer still hasn’t opened Christmas presents because he doesn’t know what’s inside

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An anti-vaxxer’s Christmas presents remain steadfastly unwrapped today after he continued insisting that any time you don’t know what’s in something, it must be dangerous.

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Santa ignoring Rudolph’s cough for another two days

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Santa has made a tacit agreement with his wife not to mention their coughing and sneezing Reindeer until the evening of the twenty-fifth.

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