Health

Police identify suspicious object in Leeds City Centre as a ‘vegetable’

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Locals fled in terror from Leeds City Centre this afternoon after Police warned a vegetable had been located in the area.

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World’s bellends demand instant vaccine as Coronavirus hits iPhone production

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Planet Earth’s dickheads have demanded an instant vaccine against that Covid-19 thing as it emerged that a deceased Chinese workforce could substantially delay the rollout of the new iPhone.

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Health experts recommend eating more vegans

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Health experts are recommending that people try to eat more vegans on a regular basis to improve their well-being.

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Tories join ‘Be Kind’ campaign by giving top job to unemployable advocate for eugenics and forced sterilisation

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As people across social media are encouraging others to ‘be kind’ in the wake of Caroline Flack’s death, the Tory party has joined the campaign by giving a job to a previously unemployable supporter of Eugenics and forced sterilisation.

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Parents fear that teenage daughter might give in to peer pressure and try veganism

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Parents of a twelve-year-old girl have expressed concern that her vegan friends may be leading her wildly off the rails, according to reports this morning.

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Government upgrade coronavirus panic recommendation from ‘Moderate’ to ‘High’

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As more people become diagnosed with the Wuhan coronavirus, the government has recommended increasing public panic levels from moderate to high.

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Man now only 12lbs away from achieving New Year’s Resolution to lose 10lbs

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After stepping on the scales this morning, Basingstoke resident Simon Williams has confirmed he is now just 12lbs away from achieving his new year’s resolution to lose 10lbs.

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Coronavirus ‘a serious and imminent threat to public health’ insists serious and imminent threat to public health

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Health Secretary Matt Hancock has declared the Coronavirus “a serious and imminent threat” to public health, which according to people familiar with his approach to the public health, is a bit fucking rich coming from him.

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Half of British workers call in sick with suspected Coronavirus

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Some of your lazier colleagues are making spurious claims of having the Coronavirus, according to reports this morning.

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Chris Grayling relieved he didn’t cancel his Christmas trip to China just because he had a filthy cold

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With China in lockdown due to the coronavirus Chris Grayling is jolly pleased he visited the country when he had the chance – and to think he nearly didn’t go because he had some sort of man flu!

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