Health

“I was just trying to flatten her curves” insists Matt Hancock

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The Health Secretary claims that he was squeezing his aide’s buttocks only in order to flatten her curves.

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‘We can’t relax the travel rules’ insists government, ‘unless you are a VIP visiting Wembley’

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The government has insisted today that it is unable to relax its rules on travel and quarantine for visitors to the UK, unless you are a really rich VIP visiting Wembley Stadium for a football match, obviously.

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Billy Gilmour dons fake moustache and drives Croatia team bus

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After testing positive for Covid-19, Billy Gilmour’s new job is to come into contact with the entire Croatia team.

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Dido Harding promises to keep the cost of ethnically cleansing the NHS to under £20 billion

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Aware of the controversy surrounding her spending of £37 billion for a buggy version of Apple’s free track and trace app, Dido Harding has assured MPs that she would keep costs down when delivering the govt’s promise of making the NHS as “white as a matron’s cap.”

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Harry Kane forced to self-isolate after watching Braveheart without a mask

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England captain Harry Kane has been forced to self-isolate for 10 days it is revealed today, after watching Braveheart without wearing a mask.

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No specific reason for banning Mancunians, we just don’t like them, confirms Sturgeon

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Nicola Sturgeon has confirmed that there’s no specific reason for banning people from Manchester from going to Scotland, she just doesn’t like them.

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Dominic Cummings releases devastating WhatsApp messages which will make absolutely no difference to voters whatsoever

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Dominic Cummings has released a number of text messages that illustrate the incompetence at the heart of government and that will sway voters in absolutely no way at all.

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Heroic freedom fighter strikes blow against tyranny by lying to shop assistants

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Fearless defender of the rights of the common man Simon Williams has struck a blow against totalitarian government by lying to the lady behind the till at his local Tesco this morning.

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Lockdown sceptic confident best way to articulate position is by screaming it directly into face of terrified reporter

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Lockdown sceptics have decided the best way to get their message across is by accosting journalists and chasing them until they can scream their position into their faces whilst cornered.

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‘I just want my freedom’ says man enjoying a pint in the pub whilst refusing the jab

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A man has demanded that the government give him his freedom this morning, whilst sat inside a Wetherspoons pub enjoying a pint and refusing to have a vaccine.

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