Health

Yoghurt is this week’s thing that will definitely kill you

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Yoghurt will kill you and everyone you care about, according to reports from health experts this morning.

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Burning your Nike trainers in protest ‘a great way to get out of going running’

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Local Man Simon Williams has used the outcry over Nike’s latest advert as an excuse to burn his trainers so he doesn’t have to go running any more.

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Fifth of meat products found to contain traces of David Cameron

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Almost a fifth of the meat you are putting in your mouth may contain DNA from David Cameron, according to a new analysis of the products in our food chain.

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Kids should use old fashioned speed and cocaine for energy, insists government

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Drug dealers lauded the government’s initiative to give their industry a much-needed boost by eliminating the competition from energy drinks giants.

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‘I’m a runner NOT a jogger’ fumes indignant jogger

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A highly irate man who self-identifies as a ‘runner’ has caused a workplace ruckus by storming out of the tearoom after someone asked if he ‘was still doing the jogging’.

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Steamed vaginas ‘not a food’ confirms Wellness clinic

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A Wellness clinic has been forced to clarify that steamed vaginas are not a food but are, in fact, a treatment.

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Man astonished to discover some crisps in a packet of Walkers

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A man who opened a standard-sized bag of Walkers was ‘astonished’ to discover there were actually some fucking crisps in it for once.

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Confusion and despair as man ages a year

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A man was left reeling after it became apparent that, due to circumstances beyond his control, he had aged a year.

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52% of children vote to eat only ice-cream instead of vegetables

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In a legally binding referendum, the nation’s children will now all eat only ice cream, regardless of the consequences to their health.

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Brexiters slam meddling EU bureaucrats for insisting ‘doctors should be fully qualified’

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Campaign groups backing Brexit have today launched a full out attack on the European Union, claiming that meddling eurocrats are preventing doctors from becoming doctors without completing their medical training.

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