Health

Boris Johnson to rely on common sense of the British public because that always works

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Boris Johnson is relying on the British public in a move already described as “doomed”.

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Vicar suspicious as funeral attendees bring along a football, a barbecue and 300 cans of Stella Artois

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COVID funerals are off to a cracking start, according to reports this morning.

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Man meeting with eight friends ‘just doing it to test his hearing’

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Local man Simon Williams broke the rule of six with a whole bunch of his mates to test his hearing, he has told authorities today.

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Couple coincidentally getting married during 140-person grouse shoot

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As the government announced that weddings must be limited to 15-people as part of a new round of coronavirus restrictions, many couples are updating their invites to say ‘Grouse shoot that may or may not include a wedding ceremony’.

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Martian tripods successfully conquer Earth after adopting social distancing precautions

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An invasion of planet Earth by hostile Martian invasion forces has been entirely successful, due to the Martians taking sanitary precautions this time.

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Last orders bell to be replaced with air raid siren

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Pubs will close to the sound of air raid sirens in order to evoke the blitz spirit and ensure people comply with the new 10 pm curfew.

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“What bombers?” – The brave WWII ‘anti-Blitzers’ who stood up to Government bombing hoax

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During 1940 and 1941, huge numbers of British people complied with Government blackout orders to protect themselves from the so-called ‘Blitz’.

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Forgiving Brits keen to give coronavirus a second chance

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After so many Brits grew up being told that ‘everyone deserves a second chance’, it should come as no surprise that our forgiving nation is now ready, willing and able to the coronavirus a second chance.

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Worried public await word from Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown after stark Covid briefing

Man worried by covid waiting for Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher to speak

A stark and concerning Covid briefing held by leading Chief Medical Officer Professor Chris Whitty and Chief Scientific Advisor Sir Patrick Vallance has left the British public worried and desperate to hear from Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher about their thoughts on the current state of the pandemic.

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Boris Johnson insists he can hold back the second wave like a right Cnut

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According to reports from Number Ten insiders, Boris Johnson is under the impression that he can command the waves of Coronavirus away from our shores, like some kind of a Cnut.

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