Health

Gwyneth Paltrow to sell Pot Pourri scented like her bumhole

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After the success of her minge-scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow’s online store for people with more money than sense – Goop – has launched a line of Pot Pourri and air fresheners laced with the delicate scent of the actress’ chocolate balloon knot.

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Man eating his kids’ selection boxes for lunch

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A father of two is tucking into his lunch of pure chocolate – courtesy of the Christmas selection boxes gifted to his children – in what he seems to believe is an earnest act of sacrifice on his part.

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Eric and Donald Trump Jr develop bone spurs in anticipation of war with Iran

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As tensions with Iran escalate, the military-age sons of President Trump are understood to have simultaneously developed bone spurs – which would exempt them from any draft, were one introduced.

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Cowards stop drinking for January

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The more namby-pamby of your friends began their self-imposed alcohol drought yesterday.

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That’s a hell of a lot of bottles you’ve got there, say bin men

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Local bin men are looking at your house with a new-found mix of respect and fear over just how many bottles there are in your green bin after New Year.

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Man had Quality Street for breakfast this morning

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Starting the New Year by breakfasting on leftover Quality Street is perfectly normal, it has emerged today.

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Woman admitted to hospital after enormous overdose of cheese over Christmas

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37-year-old Simone Williams has been admitted to treatment after massively overdosing on cheese over the last week.

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NHS given just months to live

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With the exit polls from today’s election indicating an impending Conservative majority, doctors have given the NHS just a few months to live.

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Boris Johnson pledges additional 50,000 piles of coats for kids with pneumonia

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Warm-hearted Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will solve the NHS beds crisis by funding extra fifty-thousand comfy mounds of coats for kids suffering from life-threatening illnesses this winter.

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Seriously ripped Vladimir Putin denies Russian athletes use performance enhancing drugs

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Russian premier Vladimir Putin has angrily denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs by his nation’s athletes, whilst showing off his mad ripped abs this afternoon.

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