Health

‘Vaccine passports will definitely not be mandatory’ insists government, ‘unless you want to leave the house’

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The government has confirmed today that so called ‘vaccine passports’ will not become mandatory for all UK adults, until at least next month when of course they will, if you wish to actually leave your house and visit a real life place.

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Man remaining cautious on lockdown easing by only booking three holidays and six all dayers in April

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A man has revealed today that he remains very reserved and cautious about the dates for the easing of lockdown, after booking just three immediate holidays for the remainder of the year and only planning six all dayers with his mates from April.

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Introverts dreading the easing of restrictions on social gatherings

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Introverts have today expressed their dismay at Boris Johnson’s plans to gradually ease social restrictions.

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Steve Baker’s CRG demand a ‘more death-y’ roadmap out of lockdown

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Steve Baker, the leader of the Covid Recovery Group, has hit out at the newly announced roadmap out of lockdown claiming it isn’t nearly fatal enough for the majority of people.

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Boris Johnson unveils roadmap for going back into lockdown in the summer

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Boris Johnson has set out his roadmap for moving England out of lockdown in the spring and back in again in the summer.

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Poor nations delighted to get leftover vaccines after promise by Boris Jo………. aaaaah f*ck!

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The losing countries in the global race to obtain COVID 19 vaccines were given a brief glimmer of hope that rich nations would help them right until they saw who made that pledge and immediately realised that they were on their own.

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Quarantined travellers facing financial ruin after taking Pringles from hotel minibar

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People arriving in the UK from Covid ‘red list’ countries are at risk of bankruptcy after indulging in minibar snacks.

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Boris Johnson announces Easter easing of lockdown to mark end of carnage from Christmas easing of lockdown

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As coroners finally print out all the death certificates from December’s disastrous relaxing of the rules, Boris Johnson announced he is willing to once again send thousands of Brits to an early grave so as to look like the saviour of a cherished family holiday.

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Hypothetical can of Coke containing every single molecule of coronavirus on Earth still preferable to Pepsi

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A can of Coke containing every molecule of Coronavirus on the planet would still be the preferred beverage of choice if Pepsi was the alternative, a study has found.

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Vulnerable Spurs defence leaps to head of vaccine queue

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Tottenham Hotspur’s defence has been made a priority for the Covid vaccine after being identified as an extremely vulnerable group.

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