Health

Man expecting first child imminently, begins marathon training

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A 38-year-old man training for his first-ever marathon assures his wife it has nothing to do with the impending arrival of their firstborn child.

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Anti-Vaxxers hurriedly announce plans to prevent eradication of Malaria

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After a major new report set out steps to defeat Malaria in a generation, anti-vaccination groups have hurriedly announced plans to mitigate the report’s recommendations and prevent the eradication of the deadly disease.

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Can’t you just get penis enlargement surgery, weary nation asks Boris

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As Boris Johnson overcompensates more and more for what must be a microscopic set of genitals, a weary country has requested that he just quietly has some sort of penis enlargement surgery and then starts acting like a normal human being.

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New fitness tracker gives most convincing impression yet that it’s helping you be healthy

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A new fitness tracker has been launched that, manufacturers say, will give a more convincing impression that it’s helping you be healthy than any other fitness tracker on the market.

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Beach evacuated after British sunbather mistaken for giant lobster

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Terrified holidaymakers were evacuated from a beach yesterday after authorities mistakenly believed it was under attack by a gigantic, bright pink monster from the deep.

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Woman who believes vaccines cause autism also believes thing above her bed catches bad dreams

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A woman has defended her decision not to vaccinate her children due to autism fears, and insists she sleeps ‘fine at night thank you very much’ due to the dream catcher which she hangs above her bed.

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Why aren’t parents listening to expert advice on vaccines, asks man who’s spent three years publicly denouncing ‘experts’

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As the UK lost its ‘Measles-free’ classification, Boris Johnson has ordered urgent action to ensure young people are protected against Measles, and to find out why in the last three year parents have become far more sceptical of the opinions and advice of experts on the matter.

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Doctors uncover link between children getting measles and their parents being morons

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As the UK lost its ‘measles-free’ designation from the World Health Organisation, doctors have discovered a link between children who get measles and the likelihood of their parents being gullible simpletons.

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A&E department celebrates treating one-millionth man with foreign object stuck up his arse

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Staff at an Accident and Emergency Department in Swansea were cracking open the champagne yesterday after treating their one-millionth man with a foreign object stuck up his jacksie.

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Nation with strict gun-control laws somehow manages ninth successive year with no mass shootings

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A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go another year with no mass shootings.

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