Health

“You can have a freakshake when you stop being so f*cking fat” confirms government

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No, of course you can’t enjoy a freakshake, you fat sack of shit, confirmed this government this morning.

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Cat’s enticingly furry tummy actually a terrible trap

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A cat lying on its back enticing you to nuzzle its lovely, fuzzy tummy is actually luring you into a trap, according to reports today.

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New case of Mad Cow disease detected after Scottish heifer insists no-deal Brexit is a ‘fantastic idea’

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A new case of mad cow disease has been confirmed after the animal in question mooed in favour of a no-deal Brexit.

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Canada legalises marijuana to help them cope with living next to America

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Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau says his new domestic policy will be to get baked and wait for the neighbours to their south to chill out a bit.

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Under-25s turning their backs on pissing a tiny disposable income up the wall

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It’s been revealed that many under-25s are now teetotal, not due to any particular desire for abstinence, but because their meagre incomes can’t be wasted pissing money up the wall.

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Therapy cat really stressing out under all this responsibility

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Being responsible for moderating his owner’s emotions is really stressing the hell out of 4-year-old Mister Bigglesworth, according to reports.

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Your brain waiting until half two tomorrow morning to remind you of that stupid thing you did

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Your brain is planning to remind you of the stupid thing you did 15 years ago in the early hours of tomorrow morning, it has confirmed.

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Family growing increasingly concerned as Billie Joe Armstrong still not woken up

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Four days into October, Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong still hasn’t woken up, according to concerned relatives.

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Tory plan to target middle-class cocaine users could see most MPs behind bars

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Sajid Javid’s plans to target comfortably-off cocaine users would prove to be a spectacular own goal, according to a survey of Whitehall drug dealers.

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Bloody swans demanding gluten-free bread now

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The pushy middle-class parents of the waterfowl world have announced that they’re gluten intolerant and you need to respect that.

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