Health

BBC issues apology for Dan Walker screaming ‘We’re all going to f**king die’ during Covid interview

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The BBC has issued a formal apology after BBC Breakfast presenter Dan Walker screamed ‘we’re all going to f**king die’ into the camera midway through an interview with Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty about Covid-19.

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Boris asks Captain Tom to do some more laps after wasting all the money he raised buying faulty PPE masks from Tory donors

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Boris Johnson has today asked Captain Sir Tom Moore if he wouldn’t mind doing a few more laps around his garden for the NHS.

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Surgeons celebrate as investment banker fitted with world’s first artificial conscience

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British surgeons are celebrating a major breakthrough in medical science after successfully fitting an investment banker with the world’s first artificial conscience.

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Brexit triumph as life expectancies edge closer to levels from before the UK joined the EU

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The government has hailed the news that life expectancies have stopped their unpatriotic climb and are finally heading towards the levels last seen in the halcyon days before 1973, while explaining that work is ongoing to replicate this across all facets of life.

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Boris shuts eyes and lobs another dart at pandemic options board

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The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is being as decisive as usual.

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Compulsory gas masks a breach of human rights, insists Lord Haw-Haw

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Well-known wireless contrarian Lord Haw-Haw made a compelling case for compulsory gas masks being a breach of his human rights on his broadcast to Britain last night.

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‘Oh it would be f*ckin’ Manchester, wouldn’t it?’, says Britain

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Manchester has ruined it for everyone again, we can report.

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Man’s summer body revealed to be just a slightly pinker version of his winter body

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Local man Simon Williams has this afternoon revealed his summer body, which appears to be nothing more than a slightly pinker version of his winter body.

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Government unveils masterplan to avoid second wave of Coronavirus by staying firmly stuck in the first one

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Downing Street has palliated fears that Britain’s response to the second wave of COVID-19 would be as lethal and inept as it was for the initial one, by saying that, unlike Europe, the UK has never really been given the false hope that things might get better.

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Republicans shocked after Trump retweets anti-masker reptilian-conspiracy-spouting nutjob, but only because she’s black

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The GOP struggled to explain why Donald Trump chose to retweet the video of Stella Immanuel, a delusional Cameroonian-born woman who claims demon sperm causes endometriosis when he could have easily promoted any number of white psychotic mouthbreathers.

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