Health

Government’s Plan B: Putting fingers in ears and shouting ‘la la la’ to be made mandatory

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The British public will have to deny all evidence that Covid is a continuing and rising threat, under soon to be implemented government regulations.

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Holy See issues papal bull decreeing all anti-vaxxers to be “Fuckwittus Collosus”

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Following the invocation of the Pope’s authority by pro-pestilence campaigners in Colchester, the Vatican has clarified its position on utter drongs whose desperate quest for attention leads them to spout off tripe clearly put on Facebook by teenage trolls.

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You can’t catch Covid from your mates, insists noted epidemiologist Jacob Rees-Mogg

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Jacob Rees-Mogg has insisted that MPs on Tory benches don’t wear masks because they’re all friends and that means they’re impervious to the transmissible nature of Covid.

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‘Legal’ ‘papers’ ‘served’ to hospital by anti-vaxers instantly filed under ‘bullshit’

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The so-called ‘legal papers’ that were supposedly served to a hospital yesterday have been chucked carelessly into the drawer of a filing cabinet labelled ‘bullshit’.

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Sajid Javid: We will not waver from long-term strategy of introducing Covid restrictions far too late

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As Covid cases continue to rise, the Government has sought to reassure the nation that it would not deviate from its long-term strategy of introducing Covid restrictions far too late for maximum impact.

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Nation wearily prepares for further lockdown after government categorically rules it out

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The nation’s weary residents are once again preparing for lockdown this winter, after government minister Kwasi Kwarteng categorically ruled it out.

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Boris insists he only broke Christmas lockdown rules in a very ‘limited and specific way’

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Boris Johnson has responded to claims that he broke the rules on social gatherings last Christmas by insisting he only did so in a ‘very limited and specific way’, before pointing out that this is now considered perfectly acceptable by the electorate.

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We’re not mocking you, we’re helping build up your natural immunity to jokes, antivaxers told

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Antivaxers have today been told not to be so precious when people mock their ridiculous positions, and to treat the people laughing at them as nothing more than an opportunity to build up their natural immunity to jokes.

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School harvest assembly best chance of obtaining basic foodstuffs, advise supermarkets

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Several major supermarkets have advised customers that, due to ongoing supply issues, their best hope of eating this autumn is to grab something at a school harvest assembly.

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Antivaxer ‘almost caught up’ on all of the important epidemiology research he missed yesterday

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Following yesterday’s Facebook outage, antivaxer Simon Williams admitted that he has almost caught up on all the important research he missed out on during the downtime.

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