Health

Missing A&E waiting time targets probably means it’s time to change those targets, insists government

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The government has explained that the process of changing a target when you don’t meet it, is a key part of the government’s love of targets.

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Boris Johnson’s nose now so long he is unable to use revolving doors

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Boris Johnson is no longer able to use revolving doors, it has been revealed, as his nose has grown so long that he cannot fit safely in one of the compartments.

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Millennial self-identifying as a vampire for Halloween

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Local millennial Simon Williams has told friends that he will be identifying as a vampire this Halloween and hopes that everyone will respect his choice.

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Manchester council begins distributing weekend scent of wee to city centre

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Trucks have begun liberally dousing the scent of wee around Manchester city centre in preparation for this weekend, the council have confirmed.

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Homeopathic research institute unable to tell which test group took the placebo

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Disaster struck ongoing attempts to prove the efficacy of homeopathic remedies today after researchers forgot which of the test groups took the placebo.

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Man proudly puts announcement of enormous poo in ‘births’ section of local paper

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“Weighing in at eight pounds and three ounces, father doing fine” is a headline you’d expect from a proud mother, but local man Simon Williams described the massive poo he did at the weekend as ‘the happiest day of his life’ in an advert placed in the local paper today.

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Warning that thousands could starve to death on rail network after food ban

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Commuters who spend up to two weeks stuck on delayed trains waiting for them to arrive at their destination may starve to death after a snacking ban was mooted.

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Man starves to death after spending three weeks looking for something to watch while eating

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Tragedy struck the town of Basingstoke this week when a man starved to death after spending three weeks looking for something to watch while eating.

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Demands for ‘Joker’ movie to be banned as it shows murderous psychopath smoking a cigarette

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Controversy continues to grow around the recent ‘Joker’ movie, as campaigners have called for it to be banned due to it showing the character smoking during his psychotic, blood-filled rampage.

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Priti Patel denies freedom of movement to man wearing mind-reading exoskeleton

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A smirking Priti Patel has insisted that a Frenchman who can walk for the first time in two years using a thought-controlled exoskeleton, won’t get further than Dover.

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