Health

Festival season begins early with newcomer ‘Plague In The Park’

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In another sign that Britain is coming out of lockdown, the festivals that are a marker for the British summer began in earnest as thousands gathered in London to celebrate being obnoxious disease spreaders who think their social habits matter more than human life.

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Lockdown protester refusing to wear face mask will be quite happy wearing one in intensive care next month

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It has been revealed that a man refusing to wear a face mask or any form of face-covering at protests in London yesterday will actually be quite happy to wear a full mask covering his entire face after he arrives in his intensive care bed next month.

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‘I just don’t trust these jabs’, insists woman who injects literal poison into her forehead every six months

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A woman has today insisted she doesn’t trust the government enough to get vaccinated against Covid, even though she’s happy to let a beautician inject literal poison into her forehead three times a year.

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Tories launch urgent investigation after lucrative NHS contract accidentally awarded to firm with no connections to them whatsoever

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The government is today launching an urgent inquiry after it was discovered that a lucrative NHS supply contract was awarded to a firm that personally benefitted not a single member of the party, or any of their friends.

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Vaccine program gives hope to Brits yearning to fly abroad and demand everything be exactly the same as the UK

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The success of the mass vaccination program against COVID 19 has left many people in England hopeful that this summer they will be able to jet off to exotic locales and then expect every facet of life to be a carbon copy of what they left in Surrey.

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Boots ‘mix and match’ vaccine gift sets to be ready for Christmas

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Boots will be offering ‘mix and match’ vaccine gift sets just in time for Christmas it is revealed today.

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Girlfriend cold, reports indicate

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Your girlfriend is cold, according to extensive reports today.

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Man seriously considers thinking about washing his face mask

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After a year of regular use, a man’s face mask might soon be due for a wash.

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Montagues and Capulets resume ancient feud as restrictions on two households mingling lifted.

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Two households, both alike in dignity, are allowed to mingle in the pursuit of their ancient grudge from today.

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White Witch curses Britain to ‘always winter and never the end of lockdown’

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As snow falls over Britain today, the White Witch has claimed responsibility for covering the land in endless winter.

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