Boris Johnson has today clarified the government’s ever-changing position surrounding coronavirus restrictions by confirming this afternoon, once and for all that it is six inside, 4 outside, 3 in a pub 2 in a garden and 5 in a shop, or something along those lines anyway.
Elderly perverts prepare for dick-measuring contest
Two old perves are set to go at it tonight- but not in the way they might like.
Donald Trump fires accountant for letting him pay some tax
President Trump has fired his accountant for not reducing his tax liability to zero.
With more and more of the country subject to local lockdown restrictions the government is deploying spherical, bubble-like ‘Rovers’ to ensure nobody leaves their towns and villages.
A Basingstoke pub has today hired all of its regulars on zero-hours contracts so that it can continue to provide them with ‘canteen services’ after 10pm, much like the bars in the Houses of Parliament.
- Laurence Fox shows off new Empty Space tattoo
- Bilbo Baggins fined 10,000 gold coins for having 13 dwarfs to a party at his home
- America to use Donald Trump’s taxes to buy a new Playstation 5
- Laurence Fox launches the ‘Get Laurence Fox on the Telly’ party
- Prince Andrew spends £16k of taxpayer money on private flight to Woking Pizza Express
- Bride and groom’s parents very first to be uninvited from Covid-restricted Wedding
- Brain-eating microbe in US water supply explains a f*cking hell of a lot, insist scientists
- Queen so impoverished her diamonds now only get polished twice a week, claim palace insiders
Also in the News
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Man panic-buying toilet rolls for second time in six months providing helpful new definition of ‘insanity’
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Man who told wife he was nipping out for ‘quick pint’ last night, fuming at actually having to nip for a quick pint
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