Thumbnail image for Man who gave up drinking for Lent admits that due to ‘unprecedented times’ he may have been drinking every day during Lent

Man who gave up drinking for Lent admits that due to ‘unprecedented times’ he may have been drinking every day during Lent

A man who decided to give up drinking alcohol for Lent has admitted today that due to unforeseen circumstances and the current unprecedented times we find ourselves in, he may have actually been drinking every single day during Lent, mostly from approximately 11 am.

Thumbnail image for Man planning to spend lockdown writing a novel will probably just wank himself into an early grave

Man planning to spend lockdown writing a novel will probably just wank himself into an early grave

A man has decided that being forced to spend weeks at home is his golden opportunity to finally get to work on that novel – but he’s far more likely to just bop the bishop until he can no longer breathe.

It’s another lovely day that you can’t enjoy, the weatherman confirmed this morning.

In a surprising new development in the story of the link between coronavirus and 5G, it has been suggested that 5G is the result of coronavirus.

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Sport

Thumbnail image for Football star Kyle Walker helping Coronavirus fight by agreeing to 30% cut in sex-worker home visits

Football star Kyle Walker helping Coronavirus fight by agreeing to 30% cut in sex-worker home visits

Premier League star Kyle Walker has today come to an agreement with his club to reduce the number of sex workers visiting his house by 30% from next week in order to free up finances to cover the wages of non-playing staff at the club, and also offer a sizeable donation to the NHS.

Politics

Thumbnail image for MPs who get generous expenses for working away from home now also receiving generous expenses for working at home

MPs who get generous expenses for working away from home now also receiving generous expenses for working at home

Members of parliament who are given generous expense packages to cover the ‘costs’ of working away from home, are today relieved to find out they will also receive a generous expense package to cover the cost of working at home.

Entertainment

Thumbnail image for G4 go into hiding after being mistaken for 5G

G4 go into hiding after being mistaken for 5G

Four-piece vocal troupe G4 have gone into hiding after online vigilantes appeared to confuse them with 5G.

World

Thumbnail image for Donald Trump proposes urgent mass-gatherings to cope with the large number of ‘excess ventilators’ in the US

Donald Trump proposes urgent mass-gatherings to cope with the large number of ‘excess ventilators’ in the US

US President Donald Trump has ordered urgent mass-gatherings across America this morning, after it emerged that the US is likely to have far more ventilators than it requires during the current coronavirus pandemic.

Technology

Thumbnail image for Coronavirus caused 5G

Coronavirus caused 5G

In a surprising new development in the story of the link between coronavirus and 5G, it has been suggested that 5G is the result of coronavirus.

Science

Thumbnail image for Coronavirus caused 5G

Coronavirus caused 5G

In a surprising new development in the story of the link between coronavirus and 5G, it has been suggested that 5G is the result of coronavirus.

Business

Thumbnail image for Waitrose customers relieved as hummus stock levels return to normal

Waitrose customers relieved as hummus stock levels return to normal

As panic-buying finally begins to ease off, Waitrose customers are once again able to buy essential items such as hummus and organic kale crisps.