Thumbnail image for Elderly perverts prepare for dick-measuring contest

Elderly perverts prepare for dick-measuring contest

Two old perves are set to go at it tonight- but not in the way they might like.

Thumbnail image for Donald Trump fires accountant for letting him pay some tax

Donald Trump fires accountant for letting him pay some tax

President Trump has fired his accountant for not reducing his tax liability to zero.

With more and more of the country subject to local lockdown restrictions the government is deploying spherical, bubble-like ‘Rovers’ to ensure nobody leaves their towns and villages.

A Basingstoke pub has today hired all of its regulars on zero-hours contracts so that it can continue to provide them with ‘canteen services’ after 10pm, much like the bars in the Houses of Parliament.

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Politics

Thumbnail image for ‘It’s six inside, four outside, three in a pub, two in a garden, and five in a shop, or something’ clarifies Boris

‘It’s six inside, four outside, three in a pub, two in a garden, and five in a shop, or something’ clarifies Boris

Boris Johnson has today clarified the government’s ever-changing position surrounding coronavirus restrictions by confirming this afternoon, once and for all that it is six inside, 4 outside, 3 in a pub 2 in a garden and 5 in a shop, or something along those lines anyway.

Entertainment

Thumbnail image for Laurence Fox shows off new Empty Space tattoo

Laurence Fox shows off new Empty Space tattoo

Right-wing silenced mouthpiece Laurence Fox revealed his new “Empty Space” tattoo to the press today in yet another example of how everything he says is censored.

Technology

Thumbnail image for I won’t use Test and Trace app because I value my privacy, insists man on Facebook using his GPS-enabled 4G-capable camera and microphone

I won’t use Test and Trace app because I value my privacy, insists man on Facebook using his GPS-enabled 4G-capable camera and microphone

A man has revealed today that he will not be tracked by the government’s new Test and Trace app, after reading about it on his GPS-enabled 4G-capable device equipped with a high-definition camera and microphone.

Science

Thumbnail image for Brain-eating microbe in US water supply explains a f*cking hell of a lot, insist scientists

Brain-eating microbe in US water supply explains a f*cking hell of a lot, insist scientists

A brain-munching microbe found feasting on the intelligence of ordinary US citizens has sparked fears that that particular horse has already fucking bolted, according to reports.

Education

Thumbnail image for Schools reopening sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again

Schools reopening sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again

The ability to respond to a few emails while watching TV is once again an available option for home workers who have been surrounded by screaming children for what feels like the last six years.