Politics

Inauguration oath ends in chaos as confused Joe Biden vows to take the Chief Justice as his lawful wedded husband

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In what White House officials are calling an “unexpected but historic” incident, Joe Biden has accidentally married Chief Justice John Roberts after ad-libbing the presidential oath.

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The complete list of President Trump’s achievements

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We at NewsThump have spent a lot of the last four years laying into Donald Trump, but on this last day of his presidency, we pause to reflect on all the positive achievements that he did accomplish, listed below.

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Removal team find Jeffrey Epstein’s severed head in Donald Trump’s personal fridge

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The removal team at the White House made a gruesome discovery while removing President Trump’s belongings.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg vindicated as British fish left delighted at collapse of UK fishing industry

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Critics of Jacob Rees-Mogg, a politician and Slender Man cosplayer, have been forced to swallow humble pie after his much-derided quip, about British fish being happy, was proven right as most sea creatures agreed Brexit increased their survival chances dramatically.

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White House housekeeper relieved to be incinerating her last-ever orange-stained pillow

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The White House housekeeping team is this morning celebrating their final visit to the onsite incinerator to dispose of yet another pillow that is entirely beyond repair.

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Donald Trump to pardon General Zod, Skeletor, and The Borg

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On his last day in office Donald Trump, President and halfwit, will issue a number of Presidential pardons to a variety of close friends including General Zod, The Borg and Skeletor.

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New strain proves that post-Brexit Britain still capable of making things that lead the world

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A new and more deadly virus strain has silenced critics who believe the UK will no longer be a manufacturing powerhouse after Brexit.

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‘Self-isolating’ Matt Hancock caught space-hopping to Hedingham Castle ‘to test his hearing’

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The Tories are bloody well at it again.

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Donald Trump brings in his best Action Man to play with on last day of term

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Donald Trump has turned up on the last day of his term ready to spend the day playing games and maybe even watching a video or two if the grown-ups in charge let him.

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Donald Trump to finally drain the swamp by pardoning everyone in it

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Donald Trump claiming a glorious victory in his attempts to ‘drain the swamp’, after choosing to pardon everyone who has found themselves in the swamp during his presidency.

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