Politics

Boris to visit flooded areas as soon as he’s finished Pokemon Sword

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Downing Street has announced that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will visit flood-hit areas of the country just as soon as he’s completed Pokemon Sword.

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Waitrose introduces new points-based system for prospective shoppers

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In a bid to re-establish its position as the poshest of the mainstream high street supermarkets, Waitrose has announced it is to take a leaf out of Home Secretary Priti Patel’s book and introduce a new points-based admission system before allowing customers into its stores.

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UK introduces Eurovision-style points-based system for immigration

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The UK has announced its brand new post-Brexit system to manage immigration.

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Under-fire Boris Johnson praying Meghan Markle does something slightly controversial soon

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In the midde of what could best be described as ‘a tumultuous period’, Prime Minister Boris Johnson is desperately hoping Meghan Markle does something – absolutely anything – soon, in order to take some heat away from him for a few days.

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Priti Patel to deport her own parents under tough new Immigration Points System

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Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has admitted she will need to deport her own parents under her strict new Australian-style points-based system to prevent them from undercutting British workers.

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Chris Grayling goes into hiding after hearing government will keep ‘low-skilled workers’ out of the country

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Former Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has gone into hiding after the government announced plans to deny work visas for non-skilled workers after Brexit.

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Brexiter who has never set foot in a museum insists nation fights to the death to keep Elgin marbles

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Brexit voter Simon Williams is happy to see the nation go to war to keep hold of the Elgin marbles, in order to show Johnny Foreigner that Brexit Britain can’t be pushed around.

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Italy threatens to veto UK’s free-trade agreement with EU unless nation stops serving chips with lasagna

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Inspired by Greece’s demand for a return of the Elgin Marbles if the UK wants a free trade agreement with the EU, Italy has insisted that British people stop debasing Italian food, and while we’re at it they can leave off the stupid ‘Mamma Mia’ impressions.

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Superforecaster fails to see the bloody obvious coming

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Superforecaster Andrew Sabisky failed to foresee that he’d be completely monstered for saying fucking stupid things on the Internet, it has emerged.

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Downing Street special advisers have smaller than average brains, finds study

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A scientifically robust study has found that government advisers have weird shaped skulls and small brains.

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