Politics

If planet is warming why did I have to scrape ice off my car this morning, asks Brexit Party environment spokesperson

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As scientists announced that the last decade was the warmest on record, the Brexit Party’s environment spokesperson has said that can’t be true as they had to wear socks in bed last night.

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‘No alignment with common sense after Brexit’ warns Sajid Javid

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Chancellor, Sajid Javid has accepted that businesses will be hit by Brexit and is tackling this by ensuring “there will be no alignment” to any semblance of coherent rationality because we MUST deviate from all EU rules, obvs.

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Shock as Brexiter plan for ‘Big Ben bong’ fails due to being an expensive vanity project where no-one considered the practicalities

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The failing Big Ben bong campaign has been revealed as the perfect metaphor, in which an extremely expensive vanity project has not been thought through by the people advocating for it.

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New series to see Bear Grylls attempt to survive in post-Brexit Britain

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A new Channel Four series will see survival expert and former SAS serviceman Bear Grylls face his toughest challenge yet – attempting to survive in a post-Brexit Britain.

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Vladimir Putin chips in a tenner to ‘Ben Ben Bong for Brexit’ crowdfunder

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Russian President Vladimir Putin has donated a tenner towards the Big Ben Bong crowdfunder being run by Mark Francois, explaining that it’s the least he could do.

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Health Secretary Matt Hancock to host new version of Bullseye without any of the targets

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Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, is to present an up-to-date version of eighties game show, Bullseye, without its over-reliance on pointless targets.

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‘Festival of Brexit’ revealed to be a mass deportation of foreigners

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Festival 2022, dubbed “festival of Brexit” will bring a divided nation together and showcase British mass deportation of non-EU Nationals and other foreigners who have fuck all to do with Brexit, it has emerged.

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Countries to step up efforts to blame different countries for climate crisis

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In the wake of David Attenborough’s plea to address the climate crisis, countries have stepped up efforts to blame different countries for the situation the planet finds itself in.

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Man who never tips waiting staff pledges fifty quid to make Big Ben bong

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Local man Derek Williams, 58, has this morning pledged fifty quid to make Big Ben bong, believing it a far better investment than tipping waitstaff that give him good service.

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Stoners, freaks and potheads supportive of scheme to mark Brexit with Big Ben bongs

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The British Confederacy of Stoners, freaks and potheads have thrown their support behind a plan to crowdfund a series of Big Ben bongs to mark Brexit on January 31st.

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