Politics

“I was just trying to flatten her curves” insists Matt Hancock

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The Health Secretary claims that he was squeezing his aide’s buttocks only in order to flatten her curves.

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Matt Hancock tipped for Tory leadership after photos emerge of him having an affair

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Bookies have today shortened the odds of Matt Hancock stepping us as Conservative Party leader after photos were published of him wearing someone who isn’t his wife as a facemask.

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Proud and patriotic Brexit supporters excited by new opportunity to pay more for their mobile bills

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Proud Brexit supporters are today hailing the opportunity to pay more for their mobile bills when using them abroad, after years of meddling eurocrats needlessly securing them cheaper mobile rates throughout the EU.

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Travel firms desperate to learn to which countries they can drastically increase the cost of holidays

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Travel companies are desperately waiting for news today of the countries to which they can drastically increase the price for a holiday the very instant that they are placed on the green list for travel.

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‘D-Day’ instead of ‘kick-off’: The Brexiter’s guide to England vs Germany

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England’s next opponents in Euro 2020 provide the perfect excuse to wheel out some lovely comforting WWII terminology.

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‘We can’t relax the travel rules’ insists government, ‘unless you are a VIP visiting Wembley’

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The government has insisted today that it is unable to relax its rules on travel and quarantine for visitors to the UK, unless you are a really rich VIP visiting Wembley Stadium for a football match, obviously.

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Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen, explains wise Brexit sage

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Five years after the country voted to leave the EU, wise Brexiters have insisted everything is going exactly to plan.

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Ministry of Education insists there is nothing sinister about lovely torchlit rallies praising Boris

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Simon Williams, Minister for Youth Patriotism, has been doing the press rounds to defend his department’s latest initiative to have elementary school children write songs expressing their gratitude to “Uncle Boris” and sing them out loud while battalions of tanks drive past.

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We must protect neglected children by ditching the term ‘white privilege’ insists government that didn’t even want to feed them

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The government has suggested that white children from poorer backgrounds are being neglected because of the term ‘white privilege’, just months after they fought tooth and nail to avoid having to put food in their bellies.

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Dido Harding promises to keep the cost of ethnically cleansing the NHS to under £20 billion

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Aware of the controversy surrounding her spending of £37 billion for a buggy version of Apple’s free track and trace app, Dido Harding has assured MPs that she would keep costs down when delivering the govt’s promise of making the NHS as “white as a matron’s cap.”

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