Politics

Brexiter having public meltdown over inconvenience of wearing a mask to the supermarket confident he will cope perfectly with ‘No Deal Brexit’

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A Brexiter who has spent three days furiously telling people how awful it is to have to wear a mask to the supermarket is confident the inconvenience of a no-deal Brexit is nothing to worry about.

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Satan launches ‘Get Ready for Judgement Day’ campaign

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The fallen angel Lucifer has ordered his hosts of minions to prepare a comprehensive information package for mortals to help them prepare for the upcoming apocalypse and make sure they are ready for the eternity of hellfire that they chose by their actions.

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Roger Stone only broke the laws I don’t care about, insists Donald Trump

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President Donald Trump has commuted the 40-month prison sentence of former advisor Roger Stone, insisting he was only guilty of crimes that don’t really matter like obstruction of justice and witness tampering.

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Chris Grayling’s appointment as head of Intelligence Committee sees hundreds of foreign spies made redundant

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After Boris Johnson nominated the clusterfuck magnet that is Chris Grayling to head the ultra-sensitive Intelligence Committee, espionage agencies from Tehran to Moscow have sacked all their UK agents as they expect British secrets to be faxed to them shortly.

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Kanye West told not to bother running for President as Trump never hands property keys to black people

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US rapper Kanye West has been told that he’s wasting his time trying to enter the White House, mainly because the present incumbent has a proven history of not giving properties to black families.

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Flabby coronavirus looking forward to getting back to the gym

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The coronavirus has declared its support for Government plans to continue easing lockdown and is looking forward to getting back to the gym.

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Chris Grayling accidentally locks himself in broom cupboard on first day as Chairman of Intelligence Committee

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Boris Johnson has appointed Chris Grayling as the new Chairman of the Intelligence and Security Committee, who has wasted no time in putting his own unique spin on the role.

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NHS nurse wondering if hospital car park will accept government’s Nando’s vouchers

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A nurse who has to pay up to £80 a week just to park within walking distance of the hospital in which she works, is today wondering if the vouchers for the government’s new ‘eat out’ scheme will also be accepted by parking meters on NHS property.

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Man hailing the return of blue passports has no intention of ever going anywhere ‘foreign’

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Brexit supporter Simon Williams has claimed that the £500m spent on reintroducing the blue-but-also-sort-of-black British passport is worth every penny even though he has no intention of ever applying for one.

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Government announces new parking meters will clap for NHS staff while charging them £10 to park their cars at work

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After the government announced that free parking at work for NHS staff would soon end, they have sweetened the deal by explaining that all new parking meters will clap for NHS staff while simultaneously taking their money.

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