Science

Aliens demanding ‘Take us to your leader’ asked if they can come back on Thursday

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Aliens have landed and have been urged to brace themselves for something of a disappointment, unless they would like to come back on Thursday.

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Man insisting 10-month old virus isn’t really dangerous also insists ‘we won’t know if vaccine is safe for at least five years’

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A man is today insisting on social media that a virus which didn’t exist a year ago is nothing to worry about because it hardly kills anyone, while confidently asserting that any vaccine to fight it can’t be declared safe until we’ve had at least five years of human trials.

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Scientists urged to seek advice on new Covid strain from bloke off Twitter

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After the announcement that a new strain of coronavirus has emerged, there have been calls for scientists to urgently seek advice from some bloke off Twitter.

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Covid vaccine to be distributed through KFC so people won’t care what’s in it

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As the mass rollout of the Covid-19 vaccine gets underway, the government has announced it will be distributed through popular fast-food vendors to ensure people don’t worry about what might be in it.

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Government advises Covid vaccine should not be taken by anyone who is allergic to microchips

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The government has this morning clarified the rollout plans for its Pfizer covid vaccine, insisting it should not be administered to anyone who is allergic to microchips.

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Bill Gates rounds the corner and rips off his vaccine nurse mask before cackling maniacally

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Bill Gates is at it again!

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First vaccine patient Margaret Keenan strangely compelled into shopping spree for Microsoft products

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The first person in the world to receive the Pfizer vaccine outside of clinical trials is relaxing this morning, after bizarrely spending a frantic first half-hour after receiving the jab compulsively buying unnecessary Microsoft products online.

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UK-approved Covid vaccine inspires historic levels of tedium from conspiracy theorists

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Your local conspiracy theorist is having a whale of a time today.

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Palaeolithic Dad refuses to discover fire, insisting family put on extra animal hides first

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A Palaeolithic Dad has insisted that his family puts on some extra animals hides before he starts discovering fire.

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New study reveals Chinese are just as good at whispering as anyone else

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Researchers have sent shockwaves around primary schools and playgroups by revealing that the Chinese are no better or worse at whispering than any other race.

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