Science

UN apologises after host asks Sir David Attenborough if he can twerk

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The UN has apologised to Sir David Attenborough after he was asked by the host at a UN climate change conference a host if he could twerk.

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Dog approximately 60% mud

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The body mass of a family dog is almost two-thirds mud, according to reports this morning.

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Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops

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Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

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Mars lander fails to locate David Bowie

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Music fans claim the $830m cost of the mission was a ‘complete waste’ after it was revealed that not only has the inSight lander not found David Bowie, there are no real plans to even look.

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NASA receives signal from Mars saying Brexit deal is shit

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NASA’s InSight probe has sent back a mysterious signal from the Red Planet stating that Theresa May’s Brexit deal is a pile of wank.

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German experiment on NASA’s InSight robot lays beach towel on surface of Mars

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An experiment created by Germany and placed onboard NASA’s InSight robot has put down a beach towel after the probe landed successfully on Mars.

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Aliens prepared to intervene over Irish backstop

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Creatures from another world are among the latest to suggest Theresa May’s Brexit plan is total wank, it has emerged.

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This feathered dinosaur thing is bullshit, says everyone over thirty

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People who grew up with proper dinosaurs are unwilling to accept all this feathers crap that scientists are now coming out with.

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Escaped panther warned to be on the lookout for Scottish people

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Police are urgently searching for a reported escaped black panther in Scotland before it meets any of the locals.

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Chris Packham to present Hallowe’en Gothwatch for the BBC

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Every year, huge flocks of goths return to their mating grounds in Whitby – and the BBC wildlife team will be there to see it happen.

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