Science

Climate change ‘written off as a hoax’ as weather finally does what it’s supposed to at this time of year

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The weather has actually become autumnal, which means climate change is officially a hoax.

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Global leaders announce plans to hope climate catastrophe sorts itself out

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In response to huge climate protests around the world, leaders from all nations have announced plans to hope it all sorts itself out.

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Habitable planet absolutely shitting itself after being discovered by humans

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Planet K2-18b, which scientists say contains water and gases compatible with the presence of life, is said to be ‘absolutely cacking it’ at having been spotted by the notorious ‘human race’.

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Man who spent £30K fighting £100 speeding fine offered role as Brexit Secretary

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A man who spunked his son’s inheritance money up the wall on worthless causes has been offered his dream role of Brexit Secretary.

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Media declare Amazon fires ‘important enough for front page’ after discovery of old cathedral in the rain forest

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The world’s media has agreed that the Amazon forest fires are worthy of the front page after learning that an old cathedral was threatened along with 20% of the planet’s oxygen making ability.

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Prevent seagulls from stealing chips by smearing yourself in excrement, say scientists

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Following last week’s announcement that the best way to prevent seagulls stealing your chips was to stare at them, scientists have now come up with new advice.

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Stare at seagulls to defeat them at chess, say scientists

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For many years, humans have struggled to beat seagulls in a game of chess, but scientists now think they have the solution.

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Govt issues heatwave warning urging climate change deniers to maybe shut the fuck up for a while

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As Britain bakes in record-breaking heat, the government has been issuing advice such as drinking cold water, staying in the shade and “keeping your gob shut if you’re one of these attention-seeking bellends who claims climate change is a hoax”.

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Moon wistfully remembering that time when humans were interested in landing on it

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The Moon is today wistfully thinking back to those halcyon days when people wanted to visit it, it has emerged.

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Conspiracy theorists to celebrate 50th anniversary of first ‘moon landing was fake’ claim

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The world’s conspiracy theorists are celebrating today – the 50th anniversary of the first claim that the moon landings were nothing more than an elaborate ruse.

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