Science

People who refuse vaccine the hardest also complaining about restrictions the loudest

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People who refuse the covid vaccine because “God knows what’s in it” are also the ones demanding to know why there might be a delay in lifting restrictions.

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Weather app about as trustworthy as Boris Johnson

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The weather app on your phone appears to be telling you what you want to hear, rather than what you should be hearing, according to reports this afternoon.

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Chinese rocket debris crash lands in Keir Starmer’s back garden

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A shit week for Keir Starmer has ended on a low note with Chinese space junk wrecking his expansive back garden.

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Perseverance rover devastated as first selfie gets only 17 likes

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Nasa’s Perseverance rover has suffered a major dent in its confidence today following news that the first selfie taken by the craft received only 17 likes on Instagram within the first 2 hours of posting.

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Scientists reconsider status of crows as ‘smartest animal’ following evidence they share antivax memes

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Scientists have today begun to reevaluate the position of crows as ‘nature’s smartest animal’ after a number were witnessed sharing anti-vax memes in the wild.

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Side-effects in 0.0002% prove vaccine is ‘deadly’ claims moron who insists virus that kills 0.5% is ‘nothing to worry about’

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After further EU countries suspended the use of the AstraZeneca vaccine following reports of blood clots affecting fewer than 40 of the 17 million recipients, idiots who don’t understand how numbers work have been quick to condemn the jab.

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Beatings will continue until women know their place, confirm Met Police

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The Metropolitan Police have today confirmed that beatings will continue until peaceful protests improve, or even better, the women just shut up and go home.

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Nation celebrates after accidental discovery of cure for Piers Morgans

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An anodyne experiment by ITV weatherman Alex Beresford has given the first hope in decades that there might be an end in sight to the horrific condition known colloquially as Piers Morgan.

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Scientists succeed in reanimating the corpse of Phillip Hammond

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Scientists have successfully reanimated the corpse of ex-Chancellor Phillip Hammond, effectively bringing him back to life.

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Martian authorities force Perseverance rover to spend ten days in Travelodge

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Nasa’s Perseverance rover has arrived on Mars only to be forced to quarantine in a shitty hotel.

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