Science

Martian tripods successfully conquer Earth after adopting social distancing precautions

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An invasion of planet Earth by hostile Martian invasion forces has been entirely successful, due to the Martians taking sanitary precautions this time.

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Virus that can tell the difference between colleagues and friends continues to baffle scientists

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A virus that can somehow discriminate between business and social interactions continues to mystify the brightest minds in the scientific community.

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Potential life on Venus already eyeing up ‘soft-touch’ UK benefits system, warns Nigel Farage

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Following the discovery of phosphine gas in the atmosphere of Venus, which could indicate life on the planet, Nigel Farage has warned that alien civilisations could already be planning to take advantage of Britain’s “soft-touch” benefits system. Highlighting data from a graph he discovered on the Internet, Brexit Party leader and independent journalist specialising in […]

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Rubik’s Cube impossible, confirms scientist

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After nearly forty years of experimentation and investigation, a scientist has confirmed that it is impossible to solve the Rubik’s Cube.

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Sorry, my aim was a little off, says God after NASA confirms asteroid won’t hit Earth

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An asteroid hurtling towards Earth on the day before the US presidential election will miss us, scientists confirmed over the weekend, prompting a public apology from the Almighty Himself.

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Man who bunked off every science lesson at school insists he’s done ‘all his own research’ on vaccines

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A 35-year-old man who paid zero attention to his science teachers, or the books he was encouraged to read during his admittedly brief time in the formal education system, is today telling everyone he’s done all of his own research on vaccines.

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New Plandemic video actually just a secret plot to identify nation’s gullible simpletons

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A newly released ‘Plandemic’ conspiracy video about the coronavirus and vaccine industry is actually nothing more than a secret plot to identify the nation’s idiots.

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Scientists urged to divert attention away from Coronavirus vaccine to create pillow that stays cool all night

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Scientists have been urged to put their brainpower to something more critical the nation’s well-being than a Coronavirus vaccine and to solve the mystery of the pillow that won’t stay cool during the night.

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Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles

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The highly promising Russian COVID vaccine is to be tested in now the customary manner – by applying it furtively to doorknobs in the Greater Wiltshire area, it has emerged.

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People who say ‘let’s agree to disagree’ are wrong and should f*ck off, say scientists

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A recent study has confirmed your belief that people who try to end arguments with a pithy phrase about the acceptance of diverging opinions are utter cunts who should never be allowed to speak again.

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