Science

Saturn’s rings revealed to be much younger than Jacob Rees-Mogg

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Saturn’s spectacular rings have been revealed to be much younger than Tory backbench MP Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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Continued existence of Chris Grayling leads to concern that human evolution is broken

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Scientists have expressed concern that the continued existence of Transport Minister Chris Grayling could indicate that human evolution is no longer working properly.

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Chinese probe to dark side of the moon accidentally lands on Decepticon base

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Megatron and the rest of the Decepticons are ‘royally hacked off’ after a Chinese moon-probe landed slap bang on top of their secret base, we can reveal.

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Schrödinger’s celebrity attends Jools Holland’s Hootenanny while simultaneously watching it at home

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A popular celebrity has enjoyed both appearing on and watching at some distance Jools Holland’s New Year’s Eve celebrations in accordance with the tried and tested laws of Quantum Mechanics.

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Danish scientists isolate Hygges Boson

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In breaking news announced today, scientists working at Copenhagen University have identified the fundamental particle of nice, pleasant cosiness.

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UN apologises after host asks Sir David Attenborough if he can twerk

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The UN has apologised to Sir David Attenborough after he was asked by the host at a UN climate change conference a host if he could twerk.

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Dog approximately 60% mud

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The body mass of a family dog is almost two-thirds mud, according to reports this morning.

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Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops

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Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

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Mars lander fails to locate David Bowie

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Music fans claim the $830m cost of the mission was a ‘complete waste’ after it was revealed that not only has the inSight lander not found David Bowie, there are no real plans to even look.

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NASA receives signal from Mars saying Brexit deal is shit

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NASA’s InSight probe has sent back a mysterious signal from the Red Planet stating that Theresa May’s Brexit deal is a pile of wank.

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