Science

Media declare Amazon fires ‘important enough for front page’ after discovery of old cathedral in the rain forest

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The world’s media has agreed that the Amazon forest fires are worthy of the front page after learning that an old cathedral was threatened along with 20% of the planet’s oxygen making ability.

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Prevent seagulls from stealing chips by smearing yourself in excrement, say scientists

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Following last week’s announcement that the best way to prevent seagulls stealing your chips was to stare at them, scientists have now come up with new advice.

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Stare at seagulls to defeat them at chess, say scientists

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For many years, humans have struggled to beat seagulls in a game of chess, but scientists now think they have the solution.

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Govt issues heatwave warning urging climate change deniers to maybe shut the fuck up for a while

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As Britain bakes in record-breaking heat, the government has been issuing advice such as drinking cold water, staying in the shade and “keeping your gob shut if you’re one of these attention-seeking bellends who claims climate change is a hoax”.

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Moon wistfully remembering that time when humans were interested in landing on it

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The Moon is today wistfully thinking back to those halcyon days when people wanted to visit it, it has emerged.

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Conspiracy theorists to celebrate 50th anniversary of first ‘moon landing was fake’ claim

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The world’s conspiracy theorists are celebrating today – the 50th anniversary of the first claim that the moon landings were nothing more than an elaborate ruse.

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Get back to the supercontinent Pangaea where you all came from, President Trump tells US citizens

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In a series of controversial tweets President Trump has ordered all Americans to get back to where they originally came from – Pangaea.

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Plans to graft Rory Stewart onto Michael Gove in order to combat Boris Johnson

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Rory Stewart has confirmed that his team is in talks with Michael Gove’s team to graft the two contenders’ bodies together to create a terrifying mutant Tory leadership hybrid that could take on Boris Johnson.

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It must be summer because the rain has warmed up a bit, Britain told

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British summer has well and truly begun, with reports coming in that the rain is almost four degrees warmer than it was in December.

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Brexiter insists climate emergency doesn’t exist because he had to wear a jumper for a few days in June

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A Brexit supporter has today said all evidence for global warming is phoney and a “conspiracy” due to the fact it’s June and he has been a bit chilly over the past few days.

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