Science

Man who doesn’t trust vaccines currently swallowing handfuls of horse dewormer he ordered off the Internet

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Reports are emerging of a Covid-denying vaccine sceptic who is swallowing handfuls of horse dewormer that he ordered on the Internet to ward off a disease he doesn’t even think is that serious.

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Standard model of physics to be rewritten after cat breaks speed of light travelling from the settee to an opening fridge door

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Physicists around the world have conceded the standard model is irretrievably broken after local cat Mister Shufflebottom exceeded the speed of light travelling between the sitting room and an opening can of food.

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Vaccine Inventor Barbie’s boyfriend Ken is anti-vax Covid denier

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After a new Barbie doll based on Oxford vaccine creator Dame Sarah Gilbert was revealed, it has emerged that her male equivalent, Ken, is a Covid-denying arsehole.

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Archive footage reveals British inventor reached space thirty years before Bezos and Branson

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The space race between privately-funded businessmen was pre-empted by a single British inventor in the late 1980s, it has emerged.

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Jeff Bezos now resident in space for tax purposes

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Today Amazon Boss Jeff Bezosslipped the surly bonds of Earth’s taxation laws, becoming space’s first tax exile.

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CEO who wanted tax-funded bailout somehow scrapes together enough pennies to go to f*cking SPACE

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Richard Branson has found enough money to dick about in space for a bit, despite asking for a tax-funded bailout last year.

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Hope for millions after scientists isolate gene that makes people think winking is acceptable

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In a breakthrough for humanity, geneticists believe they have found the gene that causes some wretched unfortunates to think that a wink, often accompanied with a quick tilt of the head, is somehow a perfectly reasonable way to communicate with fellow human beings.

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People who refuse vaccine the hardest also complaining about restrictions the loudest

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People who refuse the covid vaccine because “God knows what’s in it” are also the ones demanding to know why there might be a delay in lifting restrictions.

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Weather app about as trustworthy as Boris Johnson

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The weather app on your phone appears to be telling you what you want to hear, rather than what you should be hearing, according to reports this afternoon.

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Chinese rocket debris crash lands in Keir Starmer’s back garden

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A shit week for Keir Starmer has ended on a low note with Chinese space junk wrecking his expansive back garden.

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