Science

Gravity to be removed due to Sir Isaac Newton’s links to slave trade

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All traces of gravity are to be removed from the Earth after Sir Isaac Newton was revealed to have historic links to slave trading.

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Elon Musk chooses worst possible moment to come out as a Flat-Earther

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Entrepreneur and apparently needy, attention-seeking billionaire Elon Musk took to Twitter to announce his belief the Earth was flat last night, literally twenty minutes after launching a spaceship off it.

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Trump praised for uniting America as Democrats and Republicans both agree that he should be allowed to put his life in danger

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US President and owner of several top-quality bottles of Snake Oil, Donald Trump, is being hailed a ‘hero’ for his actions this week, after Democrats and Republicans across the political spectrum came together in agreement that Trump should be allowed to ingest whatever dangerous chemicals he wants.

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‘Loss of taste’ added to COVID-19 symptoms as government recommends self-isolation for anyone who recently enjoyed Mrs Brown’s Boys

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The government has added ‘loss of taste’ to the potential symptoms of the coronavirus, and is advising a period of self-isolation for anyone who has recently enjoyed an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

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Parliament can resume as long as the area is cleared of foul miasmas and witches, insists Jacob Rees-Mogg

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Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader Of the House of Commons and walking PSA about the dangers of marrying cousins, said that MPs should gather in Westminster and that, to ensure their safety, he had hired the nation’s finest witchfinders and leech-bearing crones.

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Coronavirus agrees not to infect anyone while nation tries to clarify what government is advising them to do

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In the interests of having a ‘fair fight’, the coronavirus has agreed not to infect anyone while the nation tries to figure out what advice they are being given by the government.

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Social Media users hold back from judging Prof Neil Ferguson until they’ve seen what books he’s got on his shelves

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It has been revealed that the scientist behind the advice that led to the UK’s lockdown, Professor Neil Ferguson, has hypocritically broken those rules himself, though social media users are waiting to see what he’s been reading before criticising him.

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Lockdown and social distancing isn’t necessary if you are really horny, insists Professor Neil Ferguson

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The man behind the advice that led the government to lock down the country and implement strict social distancing rules has insisted they don’t apply when ‘daddy really horny’.

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More COVID-19 sorrow as Audi drivers in lockdown struggle to demonstrate that they are better than everyone else

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Reports have been flooding in from all over the country of heart-wrenching stories about Audi drivers taking increasingly desperate measures to remind everybody that their choice of car marks them as superior beings for whom the rules don’t apply.

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Coronavirus caused 5G

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In a surprising new development in the story of the link between coronavirus and 5G, it has been suggested that 5G is the result of coronavirus.

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