Science

Perseverance rover devastated as first selfie gets only 17 likes

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Nasa’s Perseverance rover has suffered a major dent in its confidence today following news that the first selfie taken by the craft received only 17 likes on Instagram within the first 2 hours of posting.

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Scientists reconsider status of crows as ‘smartest animal’ following evidence they share antivax memes

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Scientists have today begun to reevaluate the position of crows as ‘nature’s smartest animal’ after a number were witnessed sharing anti-vax memes in the wild.

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Side-effects in 0.0002% prove vaccine is ‘deadly’ claims moron who insists virus that kills 0.5% is ‘nothing to worry about’

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After further EU countries suspended the use of the AstraZeneca vaccine following reports of blood clots affecting fewer than 40 of the 17 million recipients, idiots who don’t understand how numbers work have been quick to condemn the jab.

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Beatings will continue until women know their place, confirm Met Police

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The Metropolitan Police have today confirmed that beatings will continue until peaceful protests improve, or even better, the women just shut up and go home.

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Nation celebrates after accidental discovery of cure for Piers Morgans

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An anodyne experiment by ITV weatherman Alex Beresford has given the first hope in decades that there might be an end in sight to the horrific condition known colloquially as Piers Morgan.

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Scientists succeed in reanimating the corpse of Phillip Hammond

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Scientists have successfully reanimated the corpse of ex-Chancellor Phillip Hammond, effectively bringing him back to life.

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Martian authorities force Perseverance rover to spend ten days in Travelodge

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Nasa’s Perseverance rover has arrived on Mars only to be forced to quarantine in a shitty hotel.

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Just go ahead fill your boots this Lent, confirms God

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Representatives from all denominations of Christianity have confirmed that God has cancelled Lent because we have all given up quite enough this year already.

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Scientists warn of new variant of previous variant of the initial variant of the Kent variant’s first variant

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Scientists have today warned of a new variant of the variant of the previous variant of the initial variant of the UK variant’s South African variant mutating to form another variant of coronavirus spreading around the UK.

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Aliens demanding ‘Take us to your leader’ asked if they can come back on Thursday

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Aliens have landed and have been urged to brace themselves for something of a disappointment, unless they would like to come back on Thursday.

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