Science

Scientists urged to divert attention away from space exploration to create pillow that stays cool all night

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Scientists have been urged to put their brainpower to something more critical than the long-term survival of the human race and to solve the mystery of the pillow that won’t stay cool during the night.

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Oh you like the James Webb Space Telescope? Fine, name three of its spectrographic analyses of exoplanet atmospheres

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There’s a simple wonder and joy from observing the depths of time and reality and contemplating your place in the infinite vastness of creation, and I’m damned if I’m going to let you just enjoy it.

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Large Hadron Collider reactivated to search for Piers Morgan’s viewing figures

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The world’s most powerful device for finding infinitesimally small things has been switched on to help in the search for the audience for Piers Morgan’s TalkTV show.

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Man seemingly determined to out himself as ignorant simpleton after posting chemtrail conspiracy theory

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A man has this morning decided to publicly out himself as a low-information simpleton by pointing at the sky and loudly shouting ‘chemtrails’.

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Man joins Manchester Airport check-in queue for summer holiday in August

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A man has joined the check in queue at Manchester Airport today for his upcoming summer holiday in August. 

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Asteroid survives near miss with moron-infested planet

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Asteroid 2022 GN1 has dramatically survived a near-miss with ‘Earth’, a planet well-known for carrying dangerously high levels of morons. The planet apparently came within 127,000 kilometres of the building-sized asteroid, which is merely a hair’s breadth in cosmic terms. Planetary expert Simon Williams explained, “It’s a lucky escape for asteroid 2022 GN1, certainly. Planet Earth is […]

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Opinion: I will not stay at home in fear of a storm that 99.999% of the population will survive

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The mainstream media has been too quick to buy into the fear narrative of the so-called experts, and no one is focussing on the fact that Storm Eunice is incredibly unlikely to kill you.

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Scientists confirm it’s only been six weeks since Christmas

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Scientists have confirmed the shocking news that it’s actually only been six weeks since Christmas rather than, as many people have assumed, 4-5 months.

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Scientific advances mean Michael Gove may soon be able to f*ck off enough

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For many years now, it has been assumed that it was physically impossible for Michael Gove to ever actually fuck off enough, but thanks to a new scientific advance in fucking off he could actually fuck off enough before the end of the year.

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Bruce Willis spotted aboard Nasa Dart rocket holding industrial sized drilling equipment

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Bruce Willis was spotted aboard Nasa’s Dart rocket it has been revealed today, holding some large industrial-sized drilling equipment along with a group of other misfits as it blasted off from the earth.

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