Business

Thames Water issues moon with overdue water bill

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Thames Water has wasted absolutely no time in calculating the moon’s water bill.

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Theatre retrains as Wetherspoons

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A listed building in central London is having to retrain as a piss-soaked boozer because its current job as a West End theatre is no longer viable.

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New abusive birthday card punches you in the face

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An independent greetings card company has unveiled a new abusive birthday card that punches the recipient in the face on opening.

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Fatima confirms she’s packing in ballet to earn seven grand a day doing f*ck-all for SERCO

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Critics of the government have been busy wiping egg off their face after the famous ballerina Fatima said she was giving up dancing and instead retraining to work as a consultant and get paid boatloads of cash just to tell the government how to open an excel spreadsheet.

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Doncaster lockdown rules relaxed to allow essential flytipping

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Groups of three from different families will be allowed to meet in a secondhand builders van between the hours of 11pm and 3am for the purposes of flytipping, Doncaster council has confirmed today.

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Amazon once again busy trying to offload all the shit they can’t normally sell on Prime Day

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Amazon is offering deep discounts on all kinds of shit nobody in their right mind buys at any other time of year for the annual Prime Day event.

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Liverpool pub landlords busy printing three course crisp menus

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As areas on ‘very high’ alert will see pubs asked to close unless they serve substantial meals, landlords are bending over backwards to meet the criteria.

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Cinemas to close as no more room on IMDB spreadsheet

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Cinemas are shutting their doors all over the world – not because of COVID, but because no more films can be made due to a spreadsheet error.

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Donald Trump fires accountant for letting him pay some tax

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President Trump has fired his accountant for not reducing his tax liability to zero.

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Pub hires all regulars on zero-hours contracts so it can provide them with out of hours ‘canteen services’

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A Basingstoke pub has today hired all of its regulars on zero-hours contracts so that it can continue to provide them with ‘canteen services’ after 10pm, much like the bars in the Houses of Parliament.

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