Business

Thomas Cook lists itself for sale on Ceefax

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Ailing travel operator Thomas Cook is advertising the whole business on Ceefax for only £99 per person.

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Bank of Mum and Dad to seek government bailout after paying for summer holidays and new school uniforms

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Britains biggest lender, the Bank of Mum and Dad, is understood to be under ‘severe pressure’ after funding both summer holidays and new school uniforms in the last few weeks.

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Drowning children must pass British Citizenship test before being rescued, confirms Daily Mail

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After publishing a controversial article on Mail Online yesterday which has led to some RNLI supporters cancelling their donations, the Daily Mail has today been forced to clarify their position on the RNLI’s overseas work.

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Andrex signs exclusive deal to publish absorbent version of David Cameron’s memoirs

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Well-known toilet paper manufacturer and Labrador puppy model agency, Andrex, is to publish a unique serialisation of David Cameron’s memoirs, it has emerged.

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RNLI donations plummet on revelation that 2% of money raised is spent hauling Daily Mail readers from the Solent

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The RNLI is facing a funding crisis this morning after they let slip that a significant proportion of their budget is pissed away hauling gammons out the Solent.

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Brexit to make everyone poorer except lawyers, confirm lawyers

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Lawyers have rejected claims that Brexit will make everyone poorer, saying it’s going tremendously well as far as they’re concerned.

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‘You have nothing to fear from a no-deal Brexit’ insist nation’s millionaires and billionaires

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Britain’s millionaires and billionaires have very kindly taken time out of their busy schedules to reassure peasants throughout the country that there is nothing to fear from Britain leaving the EU without a deal.

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British Airways wins environmental award for record reduction in flights

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Environmentalists have applauded British Airways for doing more to reduce carbon emissions than any other company.

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First ‘Brexit dividend’ arrives as Wetherspoons promises to knock 20p off each pint of warm piss

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The nation is beginning to reap the many benefits of Brexit before Britain has even left the EU, it has emerged, after a chain of pubs announced they would reduce the price of a murky glass of warm piss by up to 20p.

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Lib Dem campaigners buying sandals and chunky socks in anticipation of snap election

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Campaigners for the Liberal Democrats have been bulk-buying hard-wearing sandals and chunky walking socks for all the legwork they’ll be doing in the next few weeks.

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