Business

Man panic-buying toilet rolls for third time in a year providing helpful new definition of ‘insanity’

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A man is busy this morning shoving as many toilet rolls as he can into his shopping trolley, seemingly unaware of how pointless it was when he did this twice before over the last year or so.

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‘I’m not Christmas panic buying’ insists man with large turkey, pigs in blankets, sprouts, Quality Street and three bottles of Baileys

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A man has insisted today that he is definitely not panic buying for Christmas, whilst paying for a large turkey, 24 mince pies, pigs in blankets, two bags of frozen sprouts, a large box of Quality Street and three large bottles of Baileys at his local supermarket.

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Swear jar installed in BBC newsroom to punish staff for using the word ‘Brexit’ in a negative context

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BBC journalists who write or even utter the words ‘Brexit’, ‘Britain’s departure from the EU’ or anything remotely similar will be forced to pay a forfeit of fifty quid each time, it has emerged today.

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Christmas cracker manufacturers begin inserting HGV licences as cracker fillers

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This week Christmas cracker manufacturers will commence work inserting HGV licences into their products as the government pulls out all the stops amid a nationwide shortage of lorry drivers.

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Bob the Builder returns home to Poland

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Popular local builder Bob has returned home to Poland leaving local residents at a loss who will carry out renovations, construction and repair.

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‘I’m glad the government is helping the struggling energy companies’ insists man losing £20 a week in Universal credit

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A man about to lose £20 a week in Universal Credit has spoken of his delight at the government’s decision to help the energy companies who made hundreds of millions of pounds in profit last year.

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Brexit supporter delights in demanding bemused supermarket worker fetch him 20 fluid ounces of milk

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A delighted Brexit supporter is today demanding his milk in units not understood by anyone under the age of 50.

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Apple’s Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

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Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend over £1,000 on the new iPhone 13 Pro.

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70% of UK office workers wish to continue working from home because DUH

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Seven out of ten UK office workers wish to continue working from home because OBVIOUSLY, according to reports this morning.

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Government to delay announcement of any Christmas lockdowns, until everyone’s works Christmas party is booked

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The government has revealed today that the announcement of any ‘last resort’ Christmas lockdowns will be delayed, at least until everyone’s work Christmas party has been booked.

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