Business

Scotch Egg declared ‘substantial meal’ following large cash donation to Tory party from mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch

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The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.

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Tins of Quality Street to be invisible to the naked eye by 2025

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Tins of Quality Street are getting smaller so fast they will be invisible to the naked eye ‘within the decade’, scientists have confirmed.

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‘Why aren’t businesses ready for Brexit?’ asks government that has been missing Brexit deadlines since 2016

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The government is concerned that businesses are not yet ready for something that they think probably won’t happen.

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Brexit Party demands Vimto Christmas lorry tours Britain

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The Brexit Party has demanded that Britain bans the Coca-Cola Christmas lorry in favour of a far more British Vimto Christmas lorry.

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Guinness recalls cans of non-alcoholic stout because, what’s the point?

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Guinness is recalling all cans of its non-alcoholic stout today because there is absolutely no point in drinking it.

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Idiot shop owners to identify themselves with ‘Magna Carta Article 61’ posters in their windows

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The nation’s moron shop owners have announced plans to identify themselves to the public at large by putting a sign in the window to clearly demonstrate their lack of intelligence.

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Another Russian Oligarch with links to Vladimir Putin found murdered

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A Russian Oligarch with substantial holdings in the global insurance and utilities market has been found dead in mysterious circumstances today.

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Psychic livid at once again having to cancel fortune-tellings at short notice

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A chancer who does not know what they are talking about, ignores science and is only in their current career to get as much out of it for themselves as they can, has announced a new national lockdown, causing several mediums to also look a bit daft.

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Here we go again, say jubilant toilet roll manufacturers

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Britain’s toilet paper manufacturers have already put in their orders for a new car after new lockdowns were announced.

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BBC staff now required to make tedious homophobic jokes and have fights in pub car parks

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As part of a new raft of controversial measures initiated by BBC Director General Tim Davie, staff at the broadcaster are now banned from attending Pride, required to use homophobic slurs daily and violently assault anyone that questions their sexuality.

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