Business

The actress who plays me has wonderful tax lawyers, reveals Lorraine kelly

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Television’s Lorraine Kelly has revealed that the actor who plays her on television – coincidentally also called Lorraine Kelly – is lucky to have such talented tax lawyers in her employ.

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Disney unveils latest addition to ‘Disney Princesses’ as 20th Century Fox takeover is completed

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The takeover of 20th Century Fox by Disney will allow girls to be the Queen they always wanted to be, insiders have confirmed.

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Eurostar advise passengers not to travel to London after reports confirm it is full of miserable sods

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Eurostar has told passengers only to travel from Paris to London “if absolutely necessary”, as the place is full to the brim with bloody miserable sods.

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Facebook promises their latest update means you’ll see even less of the stuff you actually follow

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Mark Zuckerberg has told Facebook users that new improvements to the popular social media platform will mean they see ‘even less’ of the stuff they’ve actually said they want.

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Bathroom tap designers told to calm the f*ck down

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Bathroom tap designers have been told to have a word with themselves and realise their job is fundamentally a simple one about getting water onto hands.

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Markets rally as Parliament restores Brexit to its normal status of pointless clusterfuck

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The pound rose by 2 cents against the euro following a crucial defeat in the Commons of a government motion that could have endangered the UK’s status as a confused state lurching from crisis to crisis.

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Debenhams to start selling massive mugs

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Following the news that Mike Ashley is attempting a coup at Debenhams to appoint himself to the board in an executive role and oust all the other directors, shoppers are looking forward to seeing some new products in the store.

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Waitrose to tackle plunging profits by re-branding as ‘WIDL’

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Following the announcement this morning that the annual bonus for John Lewis Partnership staff is to be the lowest ever due to falling profits, the decision has been made to re-brand Waitrose to appeal to a greater number of regular people.

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Post-Brexit reintroduction of toast toppers could convince Remainers, finds poll

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A new poll has shown that a large number of remainers could be convinced to support Brexit if there were a promise of the reintroduction of toast toppers.

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Tesla announce urgent recall of Elon Musk

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Tesla Motors has announced an urgent recall of its popular ‘Elon Musk’ model, saying it is brilliantly engineered but fundamentally flawed and needs work.

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