Business

‘There is nothing more Tory than profiteering from the supply of a human necessity’ insists Liz Truss

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Liz Truss has insisted the excess profits made by energy companies during an energy crisis that is pushing millions of people towards energy poverty is in line with ‘Conservative values’.

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Supermarkets stop selling Tory governments to prevent bin fires

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Leading UK supermarkets are taking any products off their shelves which are likely to become bin fires – such as disposable barbecues and Conservative governments.

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Study finds working in office still more productive than working up a tree

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Despite the changes to the workplace imposed by Covid, a study has found that working in the office is still more productive than working up a tree. “I think that the death of the office has been overstated,” explained Professor Simon ‘Scratch’ Williams, who led the study. “Compared to working in an office surrounded by […]

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Consumers reassured by promise that ‘energy price cap will only rise every other day’

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Britain’s gas and electricity users raised a glass to the energy suppliers today, buoyed by the news that the price cap which limits the cost of bills will only rise every other day moving forward. “We have a duty of care to our customers”, announced Simon Williams of the energy regulator Ofgem. “For this reason, […]

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Viennetta on a stick will make everything alright

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In a world of rising inflation, Brexit, and the threat of a Liz Truss premiership, experts have concluded that the only thing that will make everything alright is a Viennetta on a stick.

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Bank of England announces sharp rise in tedious mortgage conversations

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The Bank of England has today announced a sharp rise in the number of tedious conversations about mortgages.

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‘We have to keep petrol prices this high or our quarterly profits could drop below $5bn’ insists BP

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BP has insisted today that they have no option but to pass on the increased cost of gas and oil to customers, otherwise they would be in danger of making less than $10billion for the half-year. 

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Energy companies making billions in profit every month during an energy crisis is just further proof that privatisation works, insists government

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The government has reacted to BP making a £6.9 billion quarterly profit in the midst of an energy crisis by insisting it is just further proof that privatising essential national services works really well.

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Hosepipe ban imposed after Southern Water fears it can’t guarantee the smooth dumping of raw sewage

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The unprecedented drought has forced water company Southern Water to impose a hosepipe ban in parts of the country as low river flow threatens the daily discharge of human excrement that is absolutely vital to the ability of shareholders to buy shiny new stuff.

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Packets of crisps to contain ‘nothing but air’ by 2028

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Crisp packets will be sold containing nothing but packaged flavoured air by 2028, according to a new report.

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