Business

Enterprising young vicar offers to ring parish church bells for Brexit for the bargain price of fifty-grand

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Following the confirmed failure of the fundraiser to ring Big Ben for Brexit for £500,000, an Anglican priest has offered to use the bells of his church to mark the event for the low, low price of fifty thousand pounds.

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Think tank calls for ban on ‘office chat’ about economics and trade for being ‘exclusionary to Brexiters’

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Workplace banter about the gritty reality of life outside a major trading bloc should be curtailed on the basis that it’s exclusionary, according to a management body.

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United States threatening big tariffs on our products just one of the many benefits of sovereignty, insist Brexiters

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Seeing the United States threaten retaliatory tariffs for us making laws they don’t like is just one of the many benefits of sovereignty, according to Brexiters today.

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‘No alignment with common sense after Brexit’ warns Sajid Javid

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Chancellor, Sajid Javid has accepted that businesses will be hit by Brexit and is tackling this by ensuring “there will be no alignment” to any semblance of coherent rationality because we MUST deviate from all EU rules, obvs.

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Royal Mail to become ‘Mail’ as it steps back from delivery duties

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The UK’s postal service is to lose its royal prefix because it no longer wants to deliver letters.

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Material Girl Madonna to open haberdashery and fabric shop

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Popstar and bra-pioneer Madonna has announced that she is to take a break from pop music to open a haberdashery and fabric shop.

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Games Workshop report record profits after man buys entire Thousand Sons army, plus paints

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Games Workshop shares hit a record high this morning after the store reported a profit of £58m – driven by local man Simon Williams buying a full set of Thousand Sons and the paints to go with them.

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Man Utd leave Premier League to concentrate on Deloitte Football Money League

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Manchester United have announced they are leaving the ‘small potatoes’ English Premier League to concentrate on improving their position near the top of the Deloitte Football Money League, where they have dropped down the rankings.

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Nicholas Witchell adds warning of ‘flash photography’ in feeble attempt to make royal report more exciting

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BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell has resorted to warning viewers about flash photography just to spice up his incredibly tedious work.

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Gwyneth Paltrow to sell Pot Pourri scented like her bumhole

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After the success of her minge-scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow’s online store for people with more money than sense – Goop – has launched a line of Pot Pourri and air fresheners laced with the delicate scent of the actress’ chocolate balloon knot.

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