Business

Denmark counteroffers by offering to buy Puerto Rico

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Denmark has responded to Donald Trump’s offer to buy Greenland with a suggestion they buy Puerto Rico instead, as ‘he’s not taking very good care of it’.

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Michael Gove addresses no-deal concerns insisting ‘People have had enough of exports’

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The UK’s no-deal planner Michael Gove is confident that fears about a three-month disruption at ports are unwarranted because people have had quite enough of the free movement of goods anyway.

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Man finally gets through to Virgin Media helpline in the afterlife

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A man has finally had his call to Virgin Media answered from the afterlife, a mere two years after his death.

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Worker on zero-hour contract doing one hour a fortnight delighted to be ’employed’

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As the latest government figures showed unemployment up 31,000 to 1.33 million, zero-hour workers have sought clarification that they’re definitely not unemployed.

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Shrinking economy, tumbling pound and rising inflation were on the other bus, insist Leave campaigners

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As the economy shrank 0.2% in the second quarter of the year, Leave campaigners have insisted this was all part of the plan.

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Satire writer gives up on Ryanair jokes

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A satire writer attempted to find humour in Ryanair’s latest disaster before realising they couldn’t really be arsed.

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Woman who wants to sell sea shells by the sea shore denied business start-up loan

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A woman who applied for a start-up loan to launch her exciting new range of sea-shell stores on seafronts across the country has had her application rejected and her business plan described ‘ill-conceived’.

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New Wolfenstein game criticised for not being about engaging Nazis in rational debate

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The launch of Wolfenstein: Youngblood has been marred by controversy today, after critics attacked its lack of options for politely engaging the villains in a widely televised debate.

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Chris Grayling accidentally burns down local McDonald’s six minutes into new job

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Chris Grayling’s new job is off to a typically disastrous start.

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Jeremy Corbyn responds to renewed threat of no-deal Brexit with marathon jam-making session

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Jeremy Corbyn has responded to Boris Johnson’s threat to take Britain out of the EU without a deal with a commitment to finish making three dozen jars of strawberry jam by this weekend.

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