Business

Theresa May launches range of non-stick pans

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Theresa May is to launch her own range of pans to capitalise on the fact that no matter what, nothing whatsoever seems to stick to her.

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Gillette commercial nowhere near as offensive as the price of their f*cking razor blades

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If you’re offended by Gillette’s advertising, wait until you hear how much their products cost.

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Man furious at Gillette for ‘bullying is bad’ advert perfectly happy to be targeted by ‘this product helps you get sex’ adverts

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Commercial companies should not be using sensitive subjects such as bullying and toxic masculinity to promote their products, and should instead focus on implying their products help us have more sex, according to Simon Williams this morning.

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Amazon boss Jeff Bezos celebrates divorce deal after being awarded 50% of wife’s hair

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Jeff Bezos is the true winner in the divorce with his wife Mackenzie as he looks set to receive half her beautiful long, flowing locks in the settlement.

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No-deal Brexit rehearsal ‘goes well’ as 87 trucks successfully drive straight over a Dover cliff

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A live rehearsal of an emergency traffic system to be rolled out in the event of no-deal Brexit has gone ‘pretty well’ a Department for Transport spokesperson has confirmed.

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Jobs at risk as revolutionary Italian restaurant puts black pepper on every table

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There has been an outcry today over one Italian restaurant’s ‘ridiculous’ decision to provide customers with their own pepper mills, enabling them to season their food unassisted.

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Brexit ferry contract transferred to Trotters Independent Traders

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The Brexit ferry debacle is finally over, with the contract being given over to two highly capable London-based businessmen.

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People should spend more screen-time reading satirical websites, confirm doctors

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A massive report into the effects of screen-time on the human brain published today has concluded that people should spend a lot more time reading satirical websites.

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People who laugh at ‘snowflakes’ currently losing their shit over vegan sausage rolls

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Piers Morgan and people like him are having a complete meltdown over some pastry.

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Sales of CDs slump after no-one has any room left in the garage

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Sales of CDs plummeted by 23% last year, as consumers realised there’s no more space in the garage for little plastic boxes that they have to climb over to find.

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