Business

Bitcoin buyers lose a fortune after being scammed by both real and fake Elon Musks

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It is now impossible to tell the difference between Elon Musk’s Twitter account and bitcoin scammers pretending to be Elon Musk’s Twitter account, according to reports today.

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Victims blinded by 90s “No More Tears” shampoo file class action lawsuit

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People who had their eyes melted from their skulls by “No More Tears” shampoo in the mid-90s are to have their day in court.

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Farrow & Ball celebrates £500m sale with release of new colour ‘Shareholders Ejaculation’

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Upmarket British paint firm Farrow & Ball has been sold to Danish coatings manufacturer Hempel for £500m, with the sale commemorated by the release of a new colour.

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Bailiffs collecting Boris Johnson’s £535 CCJ debt leave Downing Street with a roll of wallpaper

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Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper.

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Rail bosses promise passengers significant investment in state of the art excuses

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With a return to commuting on the horizon, passengers will be delighted to learn that railway firms have spent millions developing the next generation of feeble excuses for their shitty services.

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We will not tolerate any threats to fishermen who live near our offshore bank accounts, says UK cabinet

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After a French minister threatened to cut off power to the banks that fiscally prudent chaps use to keep their affairs away from prying eyes, Boris Johnson dispatched two warships to Jersey as a strong message that the UK will protect its cherished undeclared billions.

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Britain braces itself for summer of awful British tourists

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The British tourism industry is both relieved and utterly dismayed that nobody will be going abroad this year.

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Audi and BMW in desperate battle to release most arrogant self-driving vehicle

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Audi and BMW have entered a fierce battle it has emerged, over who can release the most arrogant and obnoxious self-driving vehicle.

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Tories polling at over 95% in key ‘too posh for John Lewis’ demographic

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The latest polling shows that the Tory party has an insurmountable lead amongst the sort of people who think that shopping in John Lewis is basically like living on benefits.

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‘We shouldn’t have to work today, it’s a disgrace’ says man sat in garden occasionally moving his laptop mouse

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A man has declared that we should not have to work today and it should be declared a bank holiday, whilst sat in his garden in the sunshine occasionally moving the mouse on his laptop.

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