Business

Bottle of hand sanitiser strangely comfortable advertising the fact it ‘never works perfectly’

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A bottle of hand sanitiser that claims to only kill up to 99.99% of germs is for some reason willing to advertise the fact that it never works perfectly.

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Mike Ashley ‘deeply sorry’ for allowing nation to see what an arsehole he is

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Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has today expressed how deeply sorry he is for accidentally letting the nation see what a money-grabbing arsehole he really is.

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Undiagnosed Covid-19 sufferer not all that bothered which company makes the ventilator he’ll be needing next week

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As rows erupt on social media over which companies get to make the ventilators required by the NHS, those who will be needing them shortly couldn’t give less of a shit.

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Man attempting to work from home with toddler excited to be learning so many new and interesting ways to trigger a tantrum

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A man working from home while sharing the childcare for his 2-year-old daughter has spoken of his excitement at learning so many new and interesting ways to trigger a toddler tantrum.

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Self-employed plumber asks to quickly change his last tax return as he made a slight mistake in what he said he earns

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A plumber from Bolton has today called on the government urgently reveal measures to help the self-employed, and also asked if he can quickly change his last couple of tax returns as he made a slight mistake in the amount he said he earned.

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Wetherspoons latest 2-for-1 deal promises to f*ck over one supplier for each member of staff sacked

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Tim Martin, a Rick Parfitt impersonator and owner of several High Street venues where people nurture clinical depression, has generously promised that for each pub worker he tells to sod off and work for Tesco, he would also refuse to pay his debts to a supplier as long as the coronavirus crisis goes on.

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Sports Direct must stay open because giant mugs save lives, insists Mike Ashley

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Mike Ashley has defied the government by keeping his Sports Direct stores open, insisting that using one of their giant mugs is one of the best ways of fighting the Coronavirus.

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“Why is everyone panic buying?” asks moron who has shared photos of empty shelves and long shop queues

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A moron has today failed to realise he the cause of his own problem.

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Social media influencers shocked to find out they are not considered ‘key workers’

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Astoundingly vain people who have somehow managed to monetise their soulless narcissism were astounded that they were excluded from the list of jobs that a society needs to keep functioning.

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Missing man located buried under collapsed pile of his own stockpiled toilet paper

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A three-day missing person hunt has been called off after local man Simon Williams was discovered buried under a collapsed heap of toilet paper in his home.

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