Business

Security services hugely grateful to everyone for uploading their biometric data to FaceApp

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The nation’s security services have thanked users of FaceApp for voluntarily uploading facial biometric data to a device on the Internet so they can file it away for use as they please.

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‘Free Delivery over £75’ is not a f*cking special offer, online shops told

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The world has united in disdain for online companies sending emails with ‘Special offer inside!’, only to find it contains a ‘free delivery when you spend over £75’ voucher inside.

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Thomas Cook’s £750m rescue bidders offered extra leg room for only £150m more

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Fosun, the Chinese investment firm who are attempting to rescue ailing travel agent Thomas Cook for £750m, have been offered extra legroom at the company for only £150m extra.

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Prisons stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists join Tommy Robinson inside for committing ‘Journalism’

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Prisons across the country have reported being stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists were imprisoned for the crime of journalism.

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Facebook outage forces entire nation to descend into state of mass productivity

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After social networking site Facebook went off-line this afternoon, the nation’s workers descended into what experts are calling a ‘terrifying frenzy of productivity’.

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Socialist Party of Catan demands nationalisation of wood and sheep industries

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The People’s Democratic Socialist Party of the country of Catan has demanded the vital industries of wood and sheep be nationalised to end the inefficient trading arrangement which currently exists.

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Pride month ends and so does company’s obligation to pretend to care

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The gays have had their fun and everyone should get back to focussing solely on work, according to every major company this morning.

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Freelancer’s landlord happy for rent to be paid in ‘exposure’

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A freelance writer has accepted a gig paying in exposure after his landlord said he was willing to accept it as payment for next month’s rent.

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Drug addict just makes things worse by stealing Warhammer player’s bag

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A man who thought crack was the most addictive thing he’d ever have the misfortune to encounter has just stolen a Warhammer player’s bag, we can report.

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De Beers diamond company announces move into lucrative pick ‘n’ mix business

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Diamond company De Beers has told shareholders to expect a bumper year after moving away from diamond mining and into the more highly lucrative business of dealing in pick ‘n’ mix.

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