Business

Our disgusting sticky tables catch and trap coronavirus safely, insists Wetherspoons boss

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Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has insisted that it’s almost impossible for coronavirus particles to spread in his pubs simply because every single surface is horrifically sticky.

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The only respectable way to muzzle the press is to have journalists beaten up, insists Boris Johnson

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The Prime Minister has condemned activist group Extinction Rebellion for trying to stop the work of British journalists with peaceful sit-ins instead of the traditional methods of grabbing mobile phones, hiding in fridges and assaulting reporters in their homes.

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Work on £100 billion HS2 rail link begins, just as everyone decides to permanently work from home

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Construction has begun today on the new £100 billion HS2 rail link aimed at providing ‘essential high-speed travel and commuting’ between major UK cities, just as everyone has realised they prefer working from home.

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Schools reopening sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again

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The ability to respond to a few emails while watching TV is once again an available option for home workers who have been surrounded by screaming children for what feels like the last six years.

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Right-wing comedians suddenly big fans of positive discrimination

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After news that the BBC is considering broadcasting less ‘left-wing’ comedy, right-wing comedians have suddenly agreed that positive discrimination is a very good thing indeed.

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Employees encouraged to cram back into offices so Starbucks can carry on avoiding tax

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Britain’s workers are being encouraged to go back to their offices so that overpriced coffee granule-wetter Starbucks can carry on generating profits upon which they subsequently avoid tax.

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Government responsible for worst COVID-19 death toll in Europe perplexed that people not keen to go back to offices

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The politicians whose callousness and/or ineptitude have led Brits to be more at risk of dying from COVID-19 than Eritreans are asking experts to solve the mystery of why workers seem reluctant to gamble with their lives just to save their local branch of Pret.

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When I get to $300bn I will let my warehouse employees have hassle-free toilet breaks, insists Jeff Bezos

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Amazon boss Jeff Bezos has celebrated becoming the first man to be worth $200bn by telling everyone that he is now just $100bn away from having enough money that his employees will be free to take a piss without the immediate pressure of returning to work.

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Amazon offers option to pre-report lost parcel if delivery assigned to Hermes

Amazon hermes deliveries to be pre-lost

Amazon will now offer customers the chance to pre-report a lost parcel if the delivery has been assigned to Hermes.

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Cancel culture is a cancer, insist Republicans calling on everyone to ditch Goodyear tyres

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Cancel culture is a cancer on society and needs to stop so people can be free to say what they like, according to Trump supporters calling for everyone to boycott Goodyear tyres this morning.

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