Dan Sweryt

Police decline to investigate Michael Gove’s lockdown birthday party after no one turned up

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The Metropolitan Police have declined to investigate reports of Michael Gove holding a birthday party for himself during lockdown after it was revealed that none of those invited actually bothered going.

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Social media addictions cured by timelines becoming 100% Wordle

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A man’s admitted social media addiction has been completely cured by having timelines full of smug gits showing off their prowess at a silly 5-letter word game.

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Queen to sacrifice Prince Andrew to reptilian overlords as part of Platinum Jubilee celebrations

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The Queen is planning to make a human sacrifice of Prince Andrew to our reptilian overlords as part of her Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

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Man who hasn’t watched live TV since 1999 excited by Christmas Radio Times

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A man who hasn’t watched a single minute of live television since the last millennium is still excited by the release of the traditional Christmas issue of a TV listings magazine.

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Downing Street’s 2021 Christmas Party cancelled just days before previous one ends

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Number 10’s 2021 Christmas Party has been sensationally cancelled just days before the conclusion of last year’s.

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Bruce Wayne under pressure to resign after revelations of second job

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Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne is being put under huge public pressure to resign after incredible revelations surfaced in the tabloids that he has another job.

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GB News to boost ratings by unwrapping surprise eggs live on air

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GB News is aiming to boost its viewing numbers – which would be described as ‘flagging’, if they weren’t already zero – by having all their presenters unwrap surprise eggs live on telly.

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Scottish monopoly on decent British tennis players finally comes to an end

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The decade-long Scottish dominance of decent standard British tennis players has finally come to an end after an English player got to the final of a competition that actually means something.

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Amazon’s UK tax finally found behind neighbour’s bins

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Amazon has paid more UK tax this year than cumulatively over their entire existence after all their previous amounts were found behind the bins next door to HMRC.

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Boris Johnson still keeping to manifesto pledge of breaking every manifesto pledge

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Boris Johnson is sticking steadfastly to his manifesto pledge of breaking every manifesto pledge.

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