Dan Sweryt

Woking Pizza Express swift to publicly deny Prince Andrew was ever at any of their parties

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The Woking branch of Pizza Express has been swift to refute accusations that Prince Andrew was or has ever been at any of their parties.

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Donald Trump offered al-Baghdadi immunity in return for dirt on Joe Biden

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Self-styled ‘President’ Donald J. Trump offered IS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi complete immunity from his abject crimes against humanity in return for a bit of dirt on Joe Biden.

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Thomas Cook boss unable to pay back £500,000 bonus as he’s already spent it all on a week in Majorca during school holidays

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The boss of Thomas Cook can’t pay back his £500,000 bonus, as requested by MPs, as he’s used all of it to take his family to a 3-star hotel in Majorca during half-term.

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42-year-old man gets cool, boy band haircut because he can’t talk to barber properly

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A 42-year-old man has received an uber-cool, boy band-esque haircut after being utterly unable to convey what he actually wanted to the barber.

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Warning that thousands could starve to death on rail network after food ban

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Commuters who spend up to two weeks stuck on delayed trains waiting for them to arrive at their destination may starve to death after a snacking ban was mooted.

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Immigration Office ask Thomas Cook for advice on how to keep hundreds of thousands of people out of the country

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The UK’s Immigration Office has asked failed travel operator Thomas Cook to advise them on how to keep hundreds of thousands of people from entering Britain.

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Thomas Cook lists itself for sale on Ceefax

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Ailing travel operator Thomas Cook is advertising the whole business on Ceefax for only £99 per person.

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Former MP Chris Grayling releases autobiography without any paper in it

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Former Transport Secretary Chris Grayling attempts to emulate David Cameron in releasing an autobiography has resulted in it being released containing no pages whatsoever.

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Treasonous Remainers still going on and on about how Boris lied to the Queen

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Pesky treasonous Remainers keep going on and on about how unelected messiah complex and Prime Minister Boris Johnson deliberately misled the Queen whilst arranging parliamentary prorogation.

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Politician who became popular by making everyone laugh at him annoyed now everyone is laughing at him

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A politician who created a hilarious, bumbling, buffoon-like idiot character in order to gain popularity is now getting really annoyed that everyone is laughing at him.

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