Dan Sweryt

Russia report to be published after finally agreeing ending with publishers

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The report into Russian interference in British politics is set to finally be published after finally agreeing an ending with the book’s publishers, HM Government.

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Blackburn and Leicester fans gutted that Liverpool have matched their number of Premier League titles

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Both Blackburn Rovers and Leicester City fans are said to be very disappointed that Liverpool have finally caught up with their number of Premier League titles: a single, solitary one.

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Everyone expecting Liverpool supporters to be magnanimous in victory

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Liverpool FC fans are expected to be magnanimous when finally tying up the Premier League title either tonight or possibly in the next game.

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Tories inform Marcus Rashford that kids no longer need free school meals now they’re being so well fed by the food banks

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Conservative scumbags have informed pesky do-gooder Marcus Rashford that primary school children no longer need free school meals as they’re all being well-fed at the food banks.

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Gravity to be removed due to Sir Isaac Newton’s links to slave trade

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All traces of gravity are to be removed from the Earth after Sir Isaac Newton was revealed to have historic links to slave trading.

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Dominic Cummings’ family did ‘what any decent property developers would do’ when the rules say you don’t have permission to build

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Dominic Cummings’ family has claimed they did ‘what any decent property developers would do’ when constructing a cottage on their property without planning permission.

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BBC pulls Nigel Farage’s Question Time appearances from iPlayer for ‘unacceptable historic offensive content’

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Almost the entire Question Time archive has been taken down from iPlayer due to Nigel Farage’s constant barrage of historically offensive content.

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Kids who don’t know how to wash their hands properly expected to stop spread of deadly virus

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All the UK’s kids who are not old enough to properly understand washing your hands properly are to be thrown together in an attempt to stop the spread of a deadly killer disease spread primarily by responsible adults not being able to wash their hands properly.

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Boris advising people to go out looking like letterboxes

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Prime Minister and part-time Honey Monster impersonator, Boris Johnson, has encouraged everyone to go out wearing attire that makes them look like letterboxes.

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Love Island 2020 cancelled as producers realise contestants can’t shag whilst 2m apart

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Producers of ITV2’s ironically classified intellectual property, Love Island, have cancelled 2020’s series after it became clear that the contestants would be unable to fuck whilst keeping 2m apart.

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