Dan Sweryt

Julian Nagelsmann sacked by Spurs just days before being given manager’s job

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Tottenham Hotspur have already sacked new manager Julian Nagelsmann for underachieving just days before giving him the manager’s job.

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“Don’t fall for Ponzi schemes!” warns government planning to pay your pension by recruiting entirely new generation of gullible taxpayers

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UK Government plc has warned resident stakeholders not to fall for Ponzi schemes whilst allowing future generations to foot the cost of retirement for others.

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Government to make every school day 9 til 5 with no holidays to properly prepare kids for a life of endless drudgery

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UK Government plc is planning to make all school days last from 9am until 5pm, with no holidays to look forward to, in order to prepare kids for a life of endless monotony and desk-bound boredom.

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Arthur Scargill joins Tories as new coal mine opens

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Hero of the working classes, Arthur Scargill, has joined the Conservative Party after they allowed the opening of a new coal mine in Cumbria.

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Premier League’s new European signings stuck on lorry in Calais for next three weeks

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The Premier League’s top new European signings from Deadline Day are now all stuck on a lorry in Calais for the next three weeks whilst they wait for the correct paperwork to come through.

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“Cut juries to one!” screams Judge Dredd

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Judge Dredd is calling for juries to be cut from twelve members to one – him – in order to stem a grave crisis in the justice system due to coronavirus.

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Russian opposition leader arrested for refusing to comply with poisoning

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Russian opposition leader, Alexei Navalny, has been arrested by the Kremlin after violating the terms of his state-sanctioned poisoning.

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‘You can’t trust Tories with free school meal money as they’ll only waste it on profits for their mates’ insist benefit recipients

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Benefit recipients have sensationally claimed that Tories would only fritter away free school meal money on profit for their mates.

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Steve Davis banned from Parler for years of extremely moderate views

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Former snooker world champion Steve Davis has been banned from Parler after years of extremely boring, moderate, non-inciting views.

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Trump confirms he won’t attend Biden inauguration as he will already be in jail

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President-de-elect Donald Trump has confirmed he won’t be at President Biden’s inauguration as he’ll be too busy being in prison.

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