Republicans finally back gun control after school shootings repositioned as 560-week abortions

Senior Republicans have finally thrown their weight behind gun reform after the latest school shooting was repositioned as a series of 560-week abortions.

With the rest of the world – and most of America – utterly baffled as to why any single one person doesn’t desire a ban on metal cylinders throwing little high, velocity metal projectiles literally through the flesh and bone of other human beings in a non-military context, a marketing executive has implemented a rebranding exercise designed to test the nutcase right-wing’s real priorities.

Long-standing Republican congressman, Chuck Williams, told reporters, “Obviously – as a Republican – my political positions are full of contradictions, but the position where I remain steadfastly unmoved is on abortion rights – as in I don’t believe there should ever be any.

“But to suddenly hear that a man in Texas had performed an abortion on a perfectly viable child at just 560 weeks gestation is absolutely heinous, and quite frankly we should be changing to law to prevent such crimes with immediate effect!

“Just think about it for a minute: a foetus at 560 weeks old is basically a full human being. They have recognisable body parts such as arms, legs, a cute little face and you are already seeing the beginnings of a personality! Don’t they have a right to life? Just as much as any other Republican voter?

“The only realistic, pragmatic way to really stop abortions – all abortions – is to take restrict access to the sort of equipment used in the latest mass abortion.

“Which is why I now fully advocate greater gun control.

“Eh? Hang on… What?!”