World

Donald Trump denies it is Monday, accuses Democrats of rigging the weekend

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The weekend should have had millions more wonderful, terrific days if they had not been stolen by the Deep State, according to a tweet from Donald Trump today.

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Reclusive Dr P. Shiltoni arrested in connection with Diego Maradona death

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Police have arrested a tall Caucasian man answering only to the name of Dr Pedro Shiltoni in connection with the untimely death of football legend Diego Maradona.

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Turkey submits lawsuit claiming it actually won Thanksgiving

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A Turkey which was killed, plucked, eviscerated, stuffed, cooked and then eaten last Thursday has submitted a lawsuit to the Pennsylvania Third Circuit Court claiming to have won Thanksgiving and demanding the result be overturned.

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Donald Trump to pardon Judas Iscariot in time for Christmas

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Donald Trump will be issuing a full pardon to Christ’s betrayer, Judas Iscariot.

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Scientists give hope that incest-free porn is still out there

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Stroke material completely bereft of icky dysfunctional family relationships, that many believed had gone extinct in 2016, might have survived in some dark corners of the internet, according to the world’s foremost self-diddling experts.

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Americans to spend evening giving thanks for stuff they have before getting up to fight over stuff they don’t need

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Families across America will spend this evening giving thanks for everything they have, before waking up tomorrow morning prepared to kill for lots of things they don’t really need.

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Donald Trump pardons Thanksgiving Turkey after it agrees to testify that the election was rigged

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After Donald Trump pardoned a Thanksgiving turkey yesterday, it has been revealed he only did so after the turkey agreed to testify it had been witness to ballot tampering in the recent presidential election.

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Dead Kraken washes up on New Jersey coast

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The mighty Kraken, leviathan of the deep, girt in oceanic majesty, has been found washed up and dead on the coast just south of Beach Haven this morning.

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Donald Trump accepts transition to reality must begin

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Donald Trump has appeared to accept that a transition from fantasyland to reality will need to begin.

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Queen Elizabeth II claims vote by Continental Congress to remove British Monarch in America was rigged, demands it be set aside

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Queen Elizabeth II, by the grace of God Monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and her dominions overseas, has accused the United States of ‘rigging’ a vote for the Continental Congress to remove the British Monarch as head of state, according to a statement from the court of St James today.

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