World

Liz Truss to punish Vladimir Putin by running Russia’s economy for a week

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Britain has imposed its toughest sanction on Russia to date; namely, putting Liz Truss in control of their economy for up to a week.

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Vladimir Putin formally annexes Chelsea

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To protect Chelsea supporters from the oppression of the premier league table, Vladimir Putin has declared his intention to intervene in London on ‘humanitarian grounds’.

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NASA to lose no claims discount after crashing into asteroid

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American Space Agency NASA will be looking at increased insurance premiums after losing its no claims discount following a collision into an asteroid this week.

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Italy’s Meloni can’t be a fascist because I agree with her views, insist pundits who are also clearly fascists

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The election in Italy of far-right leader Giorgia Meloni has caused an odd reaction in the UK where populist rentagobs, who are two drinks away from calling for Muslims to be put in camps, decided that their infatuation with her ideas somehow means she isn’t a fascist. Andy Pearce, a tabloid columnist that everyone suspects […]

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Will my local branch of Greggs survive a nuclear war, ask worried Britons

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With the threat of thermonuclear war between Russia and everyone else becoming increasingly possible, Britons have raised concerns about the viability of Greggs in an apocalyptic wasteland.

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Adam Levine sent flirty messages to every woman EXCEPT you

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You are the one woman Adam Levine hasn’t spiritually cheated on his wife with, according to reports this morning.

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‘On my first day in office I reclassified everything you took, just by thinking about it’, President Biden tells Trump

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Donald Trump’s insistence that Presidents can change the classification status of documents just by thinking about it, has spectacularly backfired today.

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Putin conscripts to be down-skilled to the required level of Russian military ineptitude

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Failing dictator Vladimir Putin has promised to down-skill newly mobilised Russian military reservists to the level required for Russian military incompetence. Reservist, Cymon Williamski, said, “As a reservist for the Russian Federation’s military, I have kept myself trained to the level I thought was required in case of a call-up such as this one. “However, […]

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Experts rate “I’m not bluffing” as the number one indicator of people who are definitely not bluffing

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Experts have this morning agreed that anyone who says “I’m not bluffing” is definitely not bluffing.

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Apple’s Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

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Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend over £1,000 on the new iPhone 14 Pro. Cook presented Apple’s new flagship mobile device at the launch event held at their HQ near San Francisco, an event which has become synonymous […]

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