World

UK right-wingers furious as President Biden refuses to swear oath to the Queen on his first day

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British right-wing radio hosts, and other people who frequently mention they have black friends, have fiercely criticised the new US president for not displaying slavish devotion to British symbols as if he was better than us or something.

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Boris Johnson promises fresh method of obsequious arse-licking towards Biden administration

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The Prime Minister has stated it was time to move beyond the toadying he displayed for Donald Trump and that he was keen to grovel pathetically for a brand new president so as to maintain the cringe-inducing servility that the UK somehow thinks is a foreign policy.

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Disembowelling of Jared Kushner at Biden inauguration proves controversial

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The Inauguration of Joe Biden took place yesterday in Washington DC, and was a largely celebratory affair with many hailing it as a return to normality for US politics.

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Satirists not sure what to do now after exhausting ‘Joe Biden is old’ jokes within 24hrs of inauguration

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Online ‘comedy’ writers who for some reason pretend to their friends and family that they are genuine satirists are struggling to write about the new US President, it has emerged.

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Secret Service detail yet to notice any difference as Donald Trump spends day on golf course

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Despite him no longer being President, Donald Trump’s secret service detail have yet to notice any changes to the former President’s routine after he spent the day on the golf course.

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Inauguration oath ends in chaos as confused Joe Biden vows to take the Chief Justice as his lawful wedded husband

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In what White House officials are calling an “unexpected but historic” incident, Joe Biden has accidentally married Chief Justice John Roberts after ad-libbing the presidential oath.

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The complete list of President Trump’s achievements

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We at NewsThump have spent a lot of the last four years laying into Donald Trump, but on this last day of his presidency, we pause to reflect on all the positive achievements that he did accomplish, listed below.

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Removal team find Jeffrey Epstein’s severed head in Donald Trump’s personal fridge

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The removal team at the White House made a gruesome discovery while removing President Trump’s belongings.

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White House housekeeper relieved to be incinerating her last-ever orange-stained pillow

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The White House housekeeping team is this morning celebrating their final visit to the onsite incinerator to dispose of yet another pillow that is entirely beyond repair.

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Donald Trump to pardon General Zod, Skeletor, and The Borg

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On his last day in office Donald Trump, President and halfwit, will issue a number of Presidential pardons to a variety of close friends including General Zod, The Borg and Skeletor.

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