World

Daft Punk sold off by Jawas

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Robot dance duo Daft Punk have split up after one of them was sold to moisture farmers on Tatooine, according to reports.

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Poor nations delighted to get leftover vaccines after promise by Boris Jo………. aaaaah f*ck!

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The losing countries in the global race to obtain COVID 19 vaccines were given a brief glimmer of hope that rich nations would help them right until they saw who made that pledge and immediately realised that they were on their own.

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Kanye West hires Robert Kardashian’s hologram as divorce lawyer

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After news emerged that Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce against Kanye West, West himself retaliated by hiring the recently-mothballed hologram of her father as his divorce attorney.

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Mexico to open its borders to freezing Texans

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Mexico is to dismantle large sections of Donald Trump’s ramshackle wall in a humanitarian bid to save Texan lives, which matter a great deal.

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“Adam and Eve were the first victims of cancel culture” claims Ben Shapiro

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Ben Shapiro has said something that, as usual, is totally worth your time and definitely holds up to scrutiny.

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Martian authorities force Perseverance rover to spend ten days in Travelodge

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Nasa’s Perseverance rover has arrived on Mars only to be forced to quarantine in a shitty hotel.

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Ted Cruz praised for emergency fact-finding mission to Cancun to learn how Mexico deals with snow and power outages

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz has been praised by his Republican colleagues for taking time out of his busy schedule to drop everything and take his family on a fact-finding mission to Cancun in Mexico to find a solution to Texas’ snow and power issues.

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Facebook confident that no-one in Australia has ever heard of a browser

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The machiavellian strategists at Facebook have delivered a killer blow to the Australian government’s plan to make internet giants pay for shared media, by ensuring no one in the antipodean nation can access news unless they somehow know about the existence of websites.

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China bans BBC in protest at £1.50 rise in licence fee

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The Chinese authorities have banned the BBC from broadcasting in the country because it’s ‘nothing but repeats’ and ‘terrible value for money’.

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Hypothetical can of Coke containing every single molecule of coronavirus on Earth still preferable to Pepsi

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A can of Coke containing every molecule of Coronavirus on the planet would still be the preferred beverage of choice if Pepsi was the alternative, a study has found.

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