Technology

Thomas Cook lists itself for sale on Ceefax

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Ailing travel operator Thomas Cook is advertising the whole business on Ceefax for only £99 per person.

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New Facebook IQ test sees millions of simpletons tricked into posting “I support Boris 100%”

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A new test to determine the IQ of Facebook users has seen millions of idiots tricked into posting “I support Boris 100%” on random Facebook threads.

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Habitable planet absolutely shitting itself after being discovered by humans

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Planet K2-18b, which scientists say contains water and gases compatible with the presence of life, is said to be ‘absolutely cacking it’ at having been spotted by the notorious ‘human race’.

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Government’s ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ website just a link to the Irish embassy

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The government’s key website designed to help Britons prepare for life outside the EU, has suffered some technical glitches as most pages contained either meaningless slogans or a redirect towards the section of the Irish embassy’s website detailing how to apply for citizenship.

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New fitness tracker gives most convincing impression yet that it’s helping you be healthy

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A new fitness tracker has been launched that, manufacturers say, will give a more convincing impression that it’s helping you be healthy than any other fitness tracker on the market.

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Men’s deodorant cans need to be ‘unlocked’ because they’re simpletons who like playing with toys, explain manufacturers

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Companies who make deodorant cans ‘for him’ have revealed why they need to be unlocked prior to spraying – it’s because men are fucking idiots.

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‘I am the chosen one’ says man who doesn’t live in real world and wants guns – lots of guns

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President Trump appears to have explained why he exists in a fantasy world and loves firearms.

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‘Shutting up’ Uber drivers’ best chance of getting five stars

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Data released by exploitative transport company Uber has revealed that the best technique a driver has to ensure five-star reviews is to shut up.

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Inconsiderate twat insists on drying hands thoroughly despite queue forming behind him in toilet

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A man has had the gall to use the hand dryer in a busy public toilet for such a long time that his hands actually became dry.

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VAR ruining joy of abusing and threatening a real person, insist football fans

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VAR was used in the Premier League for the first time this weekend and many fans have revealed that it’s nowhere near as rewarding as howling abuse and questioning the parentage of an actual human referee.

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