Technology

‘I am the chosen one’ says man who doesn’t live in real world and wants guns – lots of guns

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President Trump appears to have explained why he exists in a fantasy world and loves firearms.

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‘Shutting up’ Uber drivers’ best chance of getting five stars

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Data released by exploitative transport company Uber has revealed that the best technique a driver has to ensure five-star reviews is to shut up.

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Inconsiderate twat insists on drying hands thoroughly despite queue forming behind him in toilet

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A man has had the gall to use the hand dryer in a busy public toilet for such a long time that his hands actually became dry.

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VAR ruining joy of abusing and threatening a real person, insist football fans

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VAR was used in the Premier League for the first time this weekend and many fans have revealed that it’s nowhere near as rewarding as howling abuse and questioning the parentage of an actual human referee.

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Boris Johnson hails successful trial of post-Brexit rolling power blackouts

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One million people were left without power for much of yesterday and survived, an experience which the Prime Minister has said bodes extremely well for life in Brexit Britain.

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Rebranding exercise to see Instagram renamed as ‘Please like my photo because I crave the validation of strangers’

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Facebook-owned Instagram is to be rebranded to reflect its purpose as a validation tool for people with low self-esteem and no actual friends.

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‘Storm Area 51’ event removed from Facebook by aliens

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A Facebook event encouraging people to ‘storm’ Area 51 was removed from Facebook for a short period before being reinstated.

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White House teleprompter fired for not being racist enough

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The teleprompter in the White House Diplomatic Reception Room has been unceremoniously fired for making President Trump speak words he doesn’t really agree with.

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Fox News reports that ‘mass shootings will go global’ as soon as other countries get video games

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Fox News is this evening reporting that mass shootings, which have become a daily occurrence in the United States, will likely be seen around the world as soon as they get video games.

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Man filming gig on phone can’t wait to get home and see what he missed

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A man who has been diligently filming the entirety of a concert can’t wait to get home and find out what he missed whilst he was filming it.

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