Technology

Chinese probe to dark side of the moon accidentally lands on Decepticon base

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Megatron and the rest of the Decepticons are ‘royally hacked off’ after a Chinese moon-probe landed slap bang on top of their secret base, we can reveal.

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Santa’s sleigh grounded indefinitely due to some Lapland knobhead with a drone

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Santa Claus’ airborne sleigh fleet has been grounded until further notice due to some twat in Lapland flying a drone near his headquarters.

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Annoying drone traced to Jacob Rees-Mogg’s mouth

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An annoying drone which threatens to bring the nation to a standstill has been found emanating from Jacob Rees-Moggs mouth.

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Drone sales shoot up as arseholes realise they can shut down whole airports

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Following the well-publicised shutdown of Gatwick airport for over 24 hours by a couple of drone flights, petty-minded bellends around the world have all requested a drone for Christmas in the hope that they too can feel important by inconveniencing thousands of people.

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Theresa May sues Fortnite for using her dance moves

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The Prime Minister is the latest celebrity to sue video game Fortnite for ripping-off the unique dance moves they invented.

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Man with nothing interesting to say really showing off his beard on Tinder profile

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A man with limited conversational prowess is really working his well-sculpted beard on Tinder.

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Drones over Gatwick found to be new Ryanair ‘Super Economy’ flights

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Following hours of cancellations and delays, a sheepish Gatwick airport has issued a statement confirming that what they initially thought were drones are in fact the maiden flights of the new Ryanair ‘super economy’ series.

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Danish scientists isolate Hygges Boson

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In breaking news announced today, scientists working at Copenhagen University have identified the fundamental particle of nice, pleasant cosiness.

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Everyone knows your mother’s maiden name and the name of your first pet

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With the news that over 500 million Marriot customers have had their accounts hacked, it has been confirmed that literally everyone on the planet now knows the name of your first pet and your mother’s maiden name.

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God against gay marriage but fine with casual sex in train station toilets, insists Grindr president

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Scott Chen, the president of the company that owns the popular gay hook-up app Grindr, caused controversy by claiming God was dead set against same-sex people formalising their love into a union, but absolutely fine with making money from people organizing chemsex fisting parties with dozens of participants.

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