Technology

Parents delight at being able to criticise daughter using videoconferencing software

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A woman’s parents have spoken of their delight at being able to criticise their daughter using free videoconferencing software.

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Social media influencers shocked to find out they are not considered ‘key workers’

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Astoundingly vain people who have somehow managed to monetise their soulless narcissism were astounded that they were excluded from the list of jobs that a society needs to keep functioning.

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Facebook ‘Doppelganger challenge’ brings record usage of phrase “Pfft yeah OK mate”

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Everyone on Facebook is being a little bit bullshitty about who they’ve been told they look like, according to reports this afternoon.

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World’s bellends demand instant vaccine as Coronavirus hits iPhone production

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Planet Earth’s dickheads have demanded an instant vaccine against that Covid-19 thing as it emerged that a deceased Chinese workforce could substantially delay the rollout of the new iPhone.

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Met Office hoping that £1.2 billion investment in new supercomputer delivers more than ’42’

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The Met Office will be hoping for something considerably more tangible than “42” after newly appointed business secretary, Alok Sharma, announced a spend of £1.2 billion pounds on a new weather supercomputer.

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Twitter ban sees Katie Hopkins forced to go door-to-door spreading hate

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Professional moron-agitator Katie Hopkins has been forced to go door-to-door spreading her particular brand of hate after having her Twitter account suspended.

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UK to grant 5G construction contract to ISIS

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The UK has announced that leading terrorist scumbags ISIS will be part of the team of companies who will build the UK’s 5G network.

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“Epstein’s prison CCTV file erased itself” confirm US prosecutors

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CCTV footage from Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell has mysteriously disappeared because of course it has.

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New power station to be powered by Bram Stoker spinning in his grave

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Britain is expected to achieve its zero-carbon targets almost thirty years early after Bram Stoker was discovered to be spinning in his grave at over 72,000 rpm overnight.

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Mandalorian bitterly regretting feeding baby Yoda after midnight

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Letting that adorable little gremlin have a cup of soup after midnight has turned out to be a serious mistake, the Mandalorian has grudgingly admitted today.

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