Technology

Facebook ‘Doppelganger challenge’ brings record usage of phrase “Pfft yeah OK mate”

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Everyone on Facebook is being a little bit bullshitty about who they’ve been told they look like, according to reports this afternoon.

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World’s bellends demand instant vaccine as Coronavirus hits iPhone production

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Planet Earth’s dickheads have demanded an instant vaccine against that Covid-19 thing as it emerged that a deceased Chinese workforce could substantially delay the rollout of the new iPhone.

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Met Office hoping that £1.2 billion investment in new supercomputer delivers more than ’42’

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The Met Office will be hoping for something considerably more tangible than “42” after newly appointed business secretary, Alok Sharma, announced a spend of £1.2 billion pounds on a new weather supercomputer.

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Twitter ban sees Katie Hopkins forced to go door-to-door spreading hate

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Professional moron-agitator Katie Hopkins has been forced to go door-to-door spreading her particular brand of hate after having her Twitter account suspended.

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UK to grant 5G construction contract to ISIS

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The UK has announced that leading terrorist scumbags ISIS will be part of the team of companies who will build the UK’s 5G network.

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“Epstein’s prison CCTV file erased itself” confirm US prosecutors

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CCTV footage from Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell has mysteriously disappeared because of course it has.

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New power station to be powered by Bram Stoker spinning in his grave

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Britain is expected to achieve its zero-carbon targets almost thirty years early after Bram Stoker was discovered to be spinning in his grave at over 72,000 rpm overnight.

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Mandalorian bitterly regretting feeding baby Yoda after midnight

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Letting that adorable little gremlin have a cup of soup after midnight has turned out to be a serious mistake, the Mandalorian has grudgingly admitted today.

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HG Wells builds time machine so he can punch whoever was responsible for that adaptation of War of the Worlds

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Popular Edwardian novelist and inventor of the concept of Time Travel Herbert George Wells has appeared in central London this morning, intending to punch whoever made the BBC adaptation of War of the Worlds squarely on the nose.

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Three months wasn’t long enough, claims man who couldn’t register to vote at 11:55pm

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Voter Simon Williams has criticised the government for having a voter registration website that doesn’t cater for the extremely disorganised.

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