Technology

FaceApp preparing citizens for their appearance in event of no-deal Brexit

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A photo app that shows users what they’ll look like when they’re frail and haggard is actually designed to prepare British people for the hardships of no deal.

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Security services hugely grateful to everyone for uploading their biometric data to FaceApp

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The nation’s security services have thanked users of FaceApp for voluntarily uploading facial biometric data to a device on the Internet so they can file it away for use as they please.

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‘Free Delivery over £75’ is not a f*cking special offer, online shops told

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The world has united in disdain for online companies sending emails with ‘Special offer inside!’, only to find it contains a ‘free delivery when you spend over £75’ voucher inside.

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Amazon’s Alexa to wait until you have visitors before asking how your haemorrhoids are doing

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A partnership between Amazon and the NHS will see Alexa devices ask you about embarrassing ailments whenever you have company.

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Facebook outage forces entire nation to descend into state of mass productivity

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After social networking site Facebook went off-line this afternoon, the nation’s workers descended into what experts are calling a ‘terrifying frenzy of productivity’.

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Glastonbury attendees embarrassed to discover it’s actually all on telly

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People who’ve spent a lot of money going to the refugee camp with tunes that is Glastonbury are now feeling very silly after finding out they could have just watched it all on TV.

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Most Conservative Party members didn’t watch digital hustings because their grandkids weren’t around to help them log on

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All of the Conservative Party members who’ll be voting for our next Prime Minister are far too out of touch with the modern world to have watched the hustings broadcast on Facebook and Twitter.

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Forty-year-old man realises with horror he has no idea which remote control is which

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A man is coming to terms with his own mortality after becoming hopelessly confused about which remote control he needed.

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Every British household will be able to access Ashley Madison, promises Boris Johnson

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The frontrunner to become the next Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has hit back against accusations that he had no policies, beyond a tax cut for himself, by promising that every British home, no matter how remote, will soon be able to discreetly arrange extramarital affairs through specialised websites.

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New trend for realism in Instagram sees influencers posting images of themselves taking a painful shit

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The picture sharing website Instagram is fighting back against accusations it encourages unrealistic and superficial outlooks on life, by getting its top influencers to upload unfiltered pictures of themselves enduring the kind of horrendous crap that comes from an addiction to fad diets.

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