Technology

Apple’s Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

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Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend over £1,000 on the new iPhone 13 Pro.

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Jeremy Corbyn kicking himself for not running on a manifesto of social care and free broadband in 2019 election

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Jeremy Corbyn is kicking himself for not pledging to deliver changes that would have pleased everyone had he had won the 2019 election, according to close friends of the former Labour leader.

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Google’s AI division shocks world with claim it’s now just 5 years away from deciphering Geordie

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Experts in artificial intelligence have responded with amazement, and some scepticism, to Google Brain’s recent assertion that before the decade is up, it will have cracked the linguistic Holy Grail of understanding what the fuck residents of Newcastle are talking about.

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Deliveroo driver definitely thinks you’re a lazy, greedy bastard

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Your constant, obscenely large takeaway orders mean that your Deliveroo driver has you pegged as an overindulgent loser.

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US hire Russian ransomware experts in attempt to brick military hardware left in Afghanistan

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The United States has hired the creme de la creme of Russia’s ransomware experts in attempts to brick all the military hardware that’s been left as welcoming gifts for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

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Man forced to admit he’s past it after Youtube algorithm recommends he watch some Top Gear

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Simon Williams, a 43-year-old English teacher, has seen his illusions of being in touch with the zeitgeist brutally shattered after Youtube told him they think he’d like the cultural equivalent of elasticated trousers and a rant about the price rise of chocolate Freddos.

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Standard model of physics to be rewritten after cat breaks speed of light travelling from the settee to an opening fridge door

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Physicists around the world have conceded the standard model is irretrievably broken after local cat Mister Shufflebottom exceeded the speed of light travelling between the sitting room and an opening can of food.

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‘It’s definitely worth the money’ says man now colour printing shopping lists to justify printer ink subscription

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A man who is now colour printing shopping lists to justify his printer ink subscription has insisted today that the monthly fee he pays for printer ink is definitely worth the money.

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OnlyFans subscribers now at a complete loss as to where to find pornography on the Internet

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Following the announcement by the subscription site OnlyFans that they will block all sexually explicit photos and videos on the site from 1st October, desperate users have been sent into a state of panic.

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OnlyFans CEO only person on Earth to believe married men who say they subscribe for the cultural content

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Although OnlyFans’ decision to ban sexually explicit content surprised many people who thought it was its core business model, the company explained that, when asked in front of spouses or partners, most subscribers said they enjoyed live music and cooking demos.

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