CEOs of all the energy companies in the UK are bracing themselves for the huge bonuses coming their way this year.
Lord Simon Williams, CEO of GravyTrainEnergy plc, said, “Many energy companies have gone bust this year, so there is much less choice for the customers when they select who to be taken advantage of this year.
“Conversely, at least the same amount of energy will be consumed by the country, at much higher prices. Luckily, that means the fat cat bonus system for energy bosses is now to be shared by a much, much smaller group of us, unfortunately resulting in inevitable record bonus payouts.
“With the wholesale price of energy being well-documented, such as in our clever crocodile tears marketing strategy, we are trying our level best to ensure we get all of our customers’ pay packet rather than just, say, the large majority of it.
“We’re all being adversely affected by these prices. The general populace is having to find around 54% more to pay the higher prices whereas energy company top brass are finding it EXTREMELY difficult to find trousers with pockets deep enough to be able to put the record-high bonuses we will be awarding ourselves this year.
“With property prices so high, we wouldn’t want our customers – certainly not the poorer ones – to be able to buy a home AND keep it warm.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be able to help, as the heat generated from all us lot rubbing our hands together in expectation will keep the country warm right through to the end of the year.”