Wednesday 10 February 2021 by Dan Sweryt

Government to make every school day 9 til 5 with no holidays to properly prepare kids for a life of endless drudgery


schools to go 9 to 5

UK Government plc is planning to make all school days last from 9am until 5pm, with no holidays to look forward to, in order to prepare kids for a life of endless monotony and desk-bound boredom.

With thoughts turning to increasing the length of the school day, and extending the terms themselves well into the holidays, Jacob Rees-Mogg creamed his pants at thoughts of sending kids ‘back down t’coal mines’.

Man and father, Simon Williams, said, “As a father of two kids and a man who’s worked a job he hates for nearly 25 years now, the best thing we can teach the kids is that your entire life will mostly be made up of repeating something you will eventually hate for a very long time, for extended, tiring days; longing for the length of holidays you once had at school.

“And that’s before you’re forced to use some of the little time you get away from work to work overtime because your below-inflationary pay rises – assuming you get one – can no longer afford the above-inflationary increase in a tin of beans, on top of the overall worthlessness of money in your pocket after the government devalued it by printing trillions more before giving it to their banker mates.

“The sooner kids realise that that’s their future, the sooner they’ll get used to it.

“I think the government should go further in fact. Rather than educating them in a wide variety of disparate subjects and things like ‘initiative’ and ‘innovation’, we should just teach them a much more realistic, single thing – like making them do equivalent fractions, for instance, for 8 hours a day, for 14 years, as that’s basically what a job is.

“Then we should scrape 30% of their pocket money off them to pay for their Bed and Board ‘Tax’ and then an extra 8% for a ‘pension’ that is going to be revealed as a massive Ponzi scheme long, long before they reach their official retirement age of 126.”

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