Education

Yeah, I don’t think this is for me, insists child after first week of school

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4-year-old Jake Williams will today tell his parents he tried school, didn’t like it, and will ask what else he can do instead.

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Everyone mentally converting GCSE numbers into proper grades

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After this year’s GCSE results were released, everyone is busy converting them in their heads into the format they actually understand rather than the 1-9 scoring system that has been used. 

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Students with outstanding A-level results offered bursaries to pretend they aren’t smarter than their parents

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The government announced plans to give £500 bursaries to students from this year’s record-breaking A-level cohort so they don’t hammer in the fact that nearly half of them got scores that for their elders would have been the preserve of a tiny, highly bullied, minority.

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Daily Mail celebrates ‘Barely legal sexy girls getting exam results’ day

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The Daily Mail is today celebrating the one day of the year where they can ask attractive eighteen-year-old girls to pose for photos without feeling at all seedy because it is A-Level results day.

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Tony Blair hails success of Labour’s twenty-year-old programme to rid nation of domestic HGV drivers

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Tony Blair has today hailed the success of his education programme to rid the nation of HGV drivers, and insisted the lack of drivers coinciding with Brexit and the end of free movement is nothing more than ‘coincidence’.

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‘Historic’ final actually quite unlikely to be put into history books, insist cruel academics

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A grieving nation was further hurt this morning as the chroniclers of the age said that it was unlikely historians of the future would care about England losing at sport, and even less likely anyone would regard such a routine event as particularly significant.

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Man who graduated from the University of Life actually scraped through with a third

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A Middlesbrough man who openly brags about being a graduate from the University of Life has failed to mention that he has not got his life together whatsoever, having scraped through a third.

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We must protect neglected children by ditching the term ‘white privilege’ insists government that didn’t even want to feed them

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The government has suggested that white children from poorer backgrounds are being neglected because of the term ‘white privilege’, just months after they fought tooth and nail to avoid having to put food in their bellies.

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Zero outcry as Oxford University replaces Queen’s portrait with Dutch from Predator

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Oxford University’s students have voted to take down a portrait of the Queen and replace it with a portrait of Dutch off of Predator.

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Schools suddenly awarded all the catch-up funding they need after contract to run programme won by Tory donor

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The nation’s schools have suddenly been awarded the £15bn they need in catch-up funding after a number of Tory donors won the contracts to run the country’s educational establishments.

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