Education

Can you all please keep focussing on Holly and Phil, asks government working quietly to hand billions to energy executives and bankers

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The government has asked if you could possibly drag this whole Phil and Holly thing for a few more days while they tie up any loose ends in their plans to lift the cap on bankers’ bonuses and to guarantee windfalls earnings for energy companies.

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Parents busy picking best bit of house for obligatory Facebook school uniform photo

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Facebook parents across the country are frantically searching for the most flattering part of their home in which to photograph their children wearing their new school uniform. With Facebook set to be flooded with photos of children in new school uniforms, the race is on between parents keen to ensure that their house is the […]

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Teenagers set to receive first in lifelong series of soul-crushing disappointments

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Across the country, teenagers are set to collect their GCSE results and are girding themselves for the first in a long line of desperate, soul-crushing disappointments.

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Everyone mentally converting GCSE numbers into proper grades

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After this year’s GCSE results were released, everyone is busy converting them in their heads into a format they actually understand, rather than the 1-9 scoring system that has been used. 

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A-level student narrowly misses out on first choice city in which to get drunk for three years

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A-level student Simon Williams will have to go through clearing after narrowly missing the grades he needed to get drunk for three years in Birmingham.

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‘We are not getting more stupider’ insist A Level students after fall in top grades

A Level students have reacted angrily to suggestions that lower grades this year means they are not as bright as their predecessors, telling critics ‘we are more cleverer than you think’.

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Daily Mail celebrates ‘Barely legal sexy girls getting exam results’ day

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The Daily Mail is today celebrating the one day of the year where they can ask attractive eighteen-year-old girls to pose for photos without feeling at all seedy because it is A-Level results day. In between the usual fabricated stories about immigrants and benefit scroungers, editors at the Daily Mail will feel it entirely appropriate […]

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‘When do they go back to school again?’ ask millions of parents

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Parents across the UK have politely asked today when it might be that their children can go back to school again as the annual school holidays begin to take their toll.

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National Rifle Association calls for ban on ‘schools’

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After yet another mass shootings at a US school, the National Rifle Association has insisted that the only way to prevent further tragedies of this nature is to finally implement a ban ‘schools’.

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Teacher with dream of nourishing young minds fortunately also quite keen on learning how to kill people

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As calls to arm teachers reach fever pitch in the US following the mass shooting at a Texan elementary school, many teachers have expressed their gratitude to those calling for them to be taught how to take a human life.

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