Education

Gavin Williamson confident English exam shambles will outclass ‘amateur’ Scottish attempt

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English exam boards are secretly scrambling to emulate the dream-shattering triumph of their Scottish counterparts, pulling together a copycat assessment system based on laziness, prejudice, and spitefully arbitrary whimsy.

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SNP offers an A-grade in Politics to anyone who can think of a way to blame exam result fiasco on Westminster

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Scottish Deputy First Minister John Swinney has told pupils not to worry too much about their lower than expected exam results, because you can get all A’s and still be a hopeless twat.

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Leicester parents back on the booze as schools close again

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Supermarkets in Leicester are running low on all kinds of alcohol as parents are once again forced to homeschool their children.

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Cows invade Sussex University campus, study art history, smoke cannabis

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With Sussex University being deserted due to Coronavirus restrictions, local cows have invaded the empty campus.

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Thousands of four-year-olds successfully obey their school’s new social distancing rules for almost three full minutes

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Thousands of four and five your olds returned to school today obeying strict new social distancing measures in the classroom, for up to three full minutes before it all went to shit and they were all licking each other’s snotty crayons again.

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Lockdown has now lasted so long children could have put their shoes on twice

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The UK has now been in lockdown for nearly nine weeks – twice as long as it takes for the average child to put their shoes on.

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‘Our naked, feral children will hunt, kill and eat teachers’ warn parents

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Mums and dads have spoken out about the dangers facing teachers if their wild, cannibalistic children are allowed back into schools.

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University of Life announces all courses to be online Facebook memes and weird YouTube channels from September

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Students at the University of Life will be able to get all the education they need from Facebook memes and obscure YouTube channels from September, it has announced.

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Man who can’t distinguish between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ adamant that Cambridge’s decision to go online is a mistake

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A man who frequently gets induced into a blind rage by people pointing out his atrocious spelling on Facebook has developed oddly strong opinions about the pedagogical merit of Cambridge University’s decision not to have face-to-face classes until 2021.

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Send us back to school so we don’t have to eat any more f*cking fish fingers, plead children

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Children are more than willing to risk catching coronavirus if it means access to a more varied diet.

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