Education

Thousands of four-year-olds successfully obey their school’s new social distancing rules for almost three full minutes

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Thousands of four and five your olds returned to school today obeying strict new social distancing measures in the classroom, for up to three full minutes before it all went to shit and they were all licking each other’s snotty crayons again.

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Lockdown has now lasted so long children could have put their shoes on twice

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The UK has now been in lockdown for nearly nine weeks – twice as long as it takes for the average child to put their shoes on.

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‘Our naked, feral children will hunt, kill and eat teachers’ warn parents

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Mums and dads have spoken out about the dangers facing teachers if their wild, cannibalistic children are allowed back into schools.

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University of Life announces all courses to be online Facebook memes and weird YouTube channels from September

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Students at the University of Life will be able to get all the education they need from Facebook memes and obscure YouTube channels from September, it has announced.

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Man who can’t distinguish between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ adamant that Cambridge’s decision to go online is a mistake

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A man who frequently gets induced into a blind rage by people pointing out his atrocious spelling on Facebook has developed oddly strong opinions about the pedagogical merit of Cambridge University’s decision not to have face-to-face classes until 2021.

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Send us back to school so we don’t have to eat any more f*cking fish fingers, plead children

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Children are more than willing to risk catching coronavirus if it means access to a more varied diet.

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‘We can all clap any teachers and pupils who die’ reassures government

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People concerned about the reopening of schools no longer have to worry – the government has said that any deaths in schools will be marked by a weekly clap.

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Four-year-old pre-schooler promises to use ‘common sense’ when deciding which Lego pieces to lick

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After the government issued further guidance regarding the reopening of schools in England, many four and five-year-olds have said they are ready to apply the common sense required when it comes to how many things they put in their mouths.

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Kids who don’t know how to wash their hands properly expected to stop spread of deadly virus

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All the UK’s kids who are not old enough to properly understand washing your hands properly are to be thrown together in an attempt to stop the spread of a deadly killer disease spread primarily by responsible adults not being able to wash their hands properly.

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Man happy to do ‘PE with Joe’ with his kids after arrival onscreen of former glamour model Mrs Joe Wicks

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A man has drastically dramatically altered his children’s homeschooling timetable today to include PE with Joe all morning, and all afternoon after stumbling across this mornings session demonstrated by Joe Wicks former glamour model wife, Rosie.

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