Education

Public schools grateful to media for highlighting how good they are at getting students into Oxbridge

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The top eight public schools in the country are overjoyed that news outlets have decided to show just how much their exorbitant fees are worth it when it comes to getting pupils into Oxford and Cambridge.

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University courses to be shortened to one month of cramming to reduce tuition fees

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Many British universities are to offer ‘fast-tracked’ versions of their courses which consist of just one-month intensive cramming with none of the usual drinking or sleeping.

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Bake Off to move post-watershed for giving young people ‘unrealistic expectations of cake’

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The next series of The Great British Bake Off will be deemed adult viewing after complaints it was distorting perceptions of cake in the minds of impressionable adolescents.

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Parents of head teachers facing fine for them missing a day at school

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Headteachers’ parent will soon be receiving a fine from the school for them taking an unauthorised day’s holiday to march at a Downing Street rally.

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Students who bunked lectures during Homeopathy degree secure better marks than full attendees

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The University of Basingstoke has confirmed that the less often students turned up for classes on its new Homeopathy degree course, the higher the mark they got.

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Satirical website discovers new way to stuff even more adverts onto the page

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Popular satirical clickbait site FactPunch! has discovered some new and exciting methods to cram even more adverts onto their page, they have announced today.

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New primary school teacher has already realised that most children are complete shit-squirrels

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A newly qualified primary school teacher, who has spent the last six years studying, whilst looking forward to teaching fun classes of perfect little angels, has taken only five days to realise that they are mainly a bunch of needy, unruly twats who hate him.

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Daughter delights parents by coming home from new school with a violin

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An eleven-year-old girl has delighted her parents by announcing her intention to learn how to play the sweetest sounding of all instruments, the violin.

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Sorting Hat just putting everyone in Hufflepuff this year

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House heads at Hogwarts are in disarray today after the Sorting Hat put every single new first year into Hufflepuff.

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End of school holidays sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again

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The ability to respond to a few emails while watching TV is once again an available option for home workers who have been surrounded by screaming children for the last six weeks.

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