Education

School bully unintentionally takes dinner money from five pupils and punches another

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A school bully has today extorted dinner money from five of her classmates, completely unintentionally, according to reports.

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Students offered virus distribution contract

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The Conservative Party have offered the lucrative coronavirus distribution contract to the UK student population.

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“Parents will use meal vouchers to buy drugs” insist people who believe drug dealers accept vouchers

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Drug dealers do not accept “vouchers” as payment, it has been revealed this morning.

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Hungry children dress up as Tory donor to secure funding for meals during school holidays

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A group of enterprising yet hungry young children have convinced the government to fund their meals during the school holidays by pretending to be a wealthy Tory donor.

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History teacher in year 2120 tells class that lockdown of 2020 was ‘economic suicide’ as everyone saved now dead anyway

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A humanoid history teacher in the year 2120 has spent the morning telling its class about the great lockdown of 2020, and how the economic cost has been proven to be a complete waste of resources because everyone saved is now dead anyway.

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Students allowed to leave halls if they can get past Wolf, Hunter and Ace

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University Students will be allowed to leave their halls of residence… provided they can get past the Gladiators.

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Schools reopening sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again

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The ability to respond to a few emails while watching TV is once again an available option for home workers who have been surrounded by screaming children for what feels like the last six years.

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Decision regarding delay in next year’s exams to be delayed until next year’s exams, confirms government

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The government has confirmed today that the decision regarding a delay in next year’s exams for millions of GSCE and A-level students is to be delayed until just before next year’s exams.

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Man who bunked off every science lesson at school insists he’s done ‘all his own research’ on vaccines

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A 35-year-old man who paid zero attention to his science teachers, or the books he was encouraged to read during his admittedly brief time in the formal education system, is today telling everyone he’s done all of his own research on vaccines.

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“I’m not book smart, I’m street smart”, says man who is neither

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A man has today announced that he isn’t ‘book smart’, but rather ‘street smart’, despite all available evidence pointing to the fact that he is neither.

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