UK will impose strict quarantine rules right until a senior Tory breaks them, promises Grant Shapps

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Grant Shapps, a Minister for Transport who looks like Tony Blair’s idiot brother, has warned the public that the UK would impose the harshest penalties of up to 10 years jail on quarantine breakers who are neither colleagues nor relatives of the Prime Minister.

Speaking after his hastily arranged class with a geography teacher Mr Shapps explained that the new rules would see people who lie to border officials about their need for quarantine could face a severe prison sentence unless they can prove that they own stables.

He told reporters, “We are entering a crucial phase of the pandemic and now that I know Australia is an island I have decided we too can do more than our past strategy of having a minimum wage contractor at Heathrow try to spot who is coughing in the arrivals queue.”

The Home Office confirmed the rules would be imposed on travellers with great firmness unless they are the kind of sound chap who knows what an oyster fork looks like.

A spokesperson said, “Yes, we can confirm that we created a crime of lying to an official out of thin air. Priti Patel was adamant she had the power to do it, and no we don’t need a lawyer to consult on that.

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“The rules are inflexible and so are we. But naturally, they are not applicable to anyone who has ever been invited to the Spectator’s garden party.

“These laws are designed to harass the kind of undesirable types who would go on to spread disease in the nation with the highest infection rate in Europe.

“And yes, by that we do mean brown people.”