As the row over Russia’s role in the Brexit referendum grows, the head of the UK’s domestic intelligence service issued an unprecedented press release explaining how the evidence did indeed validate the commonly held belief that Nigel Farage was a loathsome little turd.
Devout Christians in the US have taken a break from shouting gibberish at rattlesnakes and raising money for Learjets to explain that by making a public spectacle of an execution, Pete Hegseth is acting in the spirit of the warrior thunder God, Jesus Christ.
Reform councillors in Barnsley, who made it very clear that they will not submit the standard DBS check that even a parcel delivery driver has to provide, have instantly convinced the nation that they must have been up to some heinous shit.
The unprecedented number of dry heatwaves has forced water companies across the country to impose hosepipe bans as low river flow threatens the daily discharge of human excrement that is absolutely vital to the ability of shareholders to buy shiny new stuff.
The FCO has urgently pleaded for Brits to stop reposting the classic Revocation Of Independence joke letter, warning that Americans might just accept coming back to the UK and then we’d be responsible for some dire shithole like Mississippi.
The leader of Reform has once again had to deny that he structures his finances like a narcotrafficker and state that he sometimes loses track of all the properties he owns because of his busy schedule as an average bloke trying to eke out a living as best he can.
The US president put forward his deal-making skills after announcing that the aquatic plants currently turning the capital’s Reflecting Pool green have agreed to return to the status quo in exchange for a large sum of money and a future banquet in a US lake of their choice.
The United Kingdom has once again given the world a lesson in democracy by letting a few thousand people who put pies inside of buns decide who will run a country of 70 million souls for years to come.
Leaked copies of the US-Iran peace treaty have shown that, for pretending they lost the war, Iranians will receive America’s most famous statue, 800 tons of gold, Vermont, the execution of Kid Rock and a lifetime subscription to National Geographic for all citizens.
The Reform Party has denied claims it was neglecting Wales in its violent rabble-rousing and stated that it fully intended to encourage the same kind of vicious pogrom in Cardiff as it had in Southampton, Belfast and Glasgow.
Very clever people who know a lot about the UK’s history are adamant that if there were no migrants, Northern Ireland would revert to being the icon of harmonious community relations that made it globally famous.
The US Vice President has partnered with NewsThump to help English soccer fans enjoy your (very) temporary stay in the US, where you can watch that boring ball-kicking sport that you people claim to like but won’t even put on an Apache helicopter fly-by when your team plays.
Reform has strongly refuted claims that its local election candidates were poorly vetted, following revelations that newly elected Essex County councillor Darren Pinhead was an extra-dimensional demon who lured people into an eternity of pain.
Congratulations, Colin/Dale/Lee for becoming your town’s newest councillor! As your party leaders are busy in the Caribbean talking to rich people who use aliases, NewsThump has compiled a helpful guide for those tasked with delivering those electoral promises.
Noted Consumer Rights champion Sarah Vine is teaming up with NewsThump to help you take on rip-off Britain’s companies and their ridiculous fine print that demands you vaguely glance at what kind of product you’ve bought.
Readers of the popular tabloid took to social media to try and ascertain which 1st of April story was a well-researched piece of unbiased reporting hidden among the usual fare of rabble-rousing drivel written by creepy alcoholics.
When I told Gorton and Denton to ‘channel their patriotic Blitz spirit’ I didn’t mean ‘defeat the far-right fascists’, says Farage
Black History Month has officially begun across North America with the ritual social media harping of predictable fuckwits making tedious comments as to not having a month for other ethnic groups or how Britain abolished slavery.
In a stunning turn of events, a man claiming to be a follower of “Western Liberalism” is not an impish provocateur desiring to keep people and markets free of state interference, but rather a somewhat ignorant man with a bizarre hostility towards dark-skinned people.
The famous London street festival has once again ended with badly written tirades associating petty crime with black culture.
The unprecedented number of heatwaves has forced water companies across the country to impose hosepipe bans as low river flow threatens the daily discharge of human excrement that is absolutely vital to the ability of shareholders to buy shiny new stuff.
A recent study has sent shockwaves in the transport world, as 54% of narcissistic wankers said they were eschewing Audi cars in favour of small electric scooters when informing the world that they are complete arseholes.
Simone Williams, a woman and cat lover from Brighton, has maintained that her male tabby cat, Scruffles, would eventually modify his behaviour following her passionate and well-argued lectures on the morality of killing prey when food was plentiful.
The latest offering from the groundbreaking series has once again garnered praise for a detailed portrayal of an alternative reality where decent people were somehow in charge and narcissistic sociopaths floundered in obscurity. The episode, called Instant Karma, follows the by-election drubbing of populist politician Ivor Pharridge in a parallel universe where an educated and
Black History Month has officially begun across North America with the ritual social media harping of predictable fuckwits making tedious comments as to not having a month for other ethnic groups or how Britain abolished slavery.
In a stunning turn of events, a man claiming to be a follower of “Western Liberalism” is not an impish provocateur desiring to keep people and markets free of state interference, but rather a somewhat ignorant man with a bizarre hostility towards dark-skinned people.
The long-held 129-metre record in the field of giving husbands a chore within seconds of them getting comfortable, was shattered yesterday as Mrs Patson in Bridlington managed to sense her husband reclining on a sofa from three entire houses away.
Rage-filled nationalists who can only find sexual release through the worship of symbols triggered by the sporting prowess of total strangers, have confirmed that they have stopped jizzing on the England flag and are now rubbing themselves raw on the UK’s standard.
July is the traditional time of year when the creative minds in advertising departments decide what perfectly normal physical attribute of a woman’s body they will claim is a horrific blemish needing expensive alteration.
In the final day of the General Election campaign, kind Tory politicians who see eye-to-eye with average Brits have promised they would do all they can to reverse the horrific effects of fourteen years of cruel and ineffective policies by the vicious privately-schooled arseholes of the Conservative Party.
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