Monday 10 January 2022 by Dan Sweryt

Queen to sacrifice Prince Andrew to reptilian overlords as part of Platinum Jubilee celebrations


Queen Andrew sacrifice

The Queen is planning to make a human sacrifice of Prince Andrew to our reptilian overlords as part of her Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

A four-day bank holiday weekend will see numerous celebrations up and down the country to celebrate Queen Elizabeth II’s 70th year at the helm of the outdated institution, with pudding, parties and pageantry on the bill, culminating in the burning of her former favourite child.

Regal fixer, Sir Simon Williams, said, “These celebrations will be second-to-none, with Dame Mary Berry judging a competition for a new pudding, the Great British Public participating in street parties up and down the land, and the Archbishop of Canterbury assisting Her Majesty at the altar of Xerklopz the Great Impaler, in the reptile house at Westminster Cathedral.

“As per tradition, the ritual sacrifice will involve the burning alive of a not-human. In the past, this has gone somewhat awry with the high temperatures resulting in human sweat putting out the fire. However, this is not expected to be a problem this time.”

Despite everyone being ecstatic at the prospect of another day off, an unnamed person is said to be unhappy, using his lawyers to book a table at Woking’s Pizza Express on that day in order to avoid being involved in the celebrations.

Reptilian overlord, Christopher James, said, “I’m not sure this is the greatest of sacrifices, to be perfectly honest. It’s a bit like burning a crisp packet after you’ve eaten all the crisps. I’ll be having a word with the rest of the Executive Board about this and she may have her title revoked.”

Prince Charles reportedly said, “Yay!”

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