Monday 2 August 2021 by Dan Sweryt

‘Promising’ paddling pool now lying abandoned in garden, dirty and half-full of rainwater


abandoned paddling pool

The paddling pool that showed so much promise during the two and a half days of UK Summer has since lay strewn across something in your garden, dishevelled, starting to deflate and full of dirty rainwater, inexplicable black dirt and dead insects.

Paddling pool, Simon Williams, said, “In my box I offered SO much to the consumer. Hot days of a never-ending Summer with children up and down the country splish-splashing in me, running around and jumping in and putting their slides in to create a mini-adventure waterpark!

“But out of my box, I actually offered a reality of absolutely nothing in the sodden days of a never-beginning Summer, with children demanding I be filled by their parents, who subsequently optimistically thought ‘I’ll leave it up, so the kids can play in it when it gets sunny again.’ Not realising that sentence should end with ‘in 2024/25’.

“Thus, I lay, lamenting my inevitable situation, having lost half of all that is dear to me – my air – and gained valuable experience – or what I like to call ‘dirty rainwater’ – not only in my main bit where the water goes, but in all the partially deflated bits of me so that when you pick me up, I dump it all over the trousers you’ve only just put on this morning. Especially when you attempt to move me, because I’ve become far too large to leave anywhere and you can’t leave me on the lawn as I’m 100% guaranteed to utterly destroy the grass that lies beneath me.

“Fuck you, British weather. Fuck you very much.”

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