Boris Johnson is sticking steadfastly to his manifesto pledge of breaking every manifesto pledge.
With the news that National Insurance contributions will almost definitely rise to pay for additional social care funding, despite a specific promise not to raise tax or National Insurance, Boris has reminded everyone that at the back of the manifesto in a very small blue font on a similarly blue page, lies the sentence stating, ‘We pledge that all the pledges in this manifesto will be broken, with the exception of this one, because we’re now in a paradox that not even the best satire writers can explain’.
Tory manifesto author and compulsive liar, Simon Williams, said, “Of course the manifestos are all bollocks. Who in their right mind believes anything written in any Tory manifesto?! Well, apart from exactly the types of suggestible people who vote Conservative, obviously.
“It works like this. Boris lays out everything he thinks the people want to hear, and we print it in a shiny booklet.
“Most of it is unworkable, and nearly all of it contradicts other bits on other pages, but the key is really not to give a shit, because Boris is a clueless funny fucker and that’s the type of guy most people want in charge of the country.
“He’s like your mate down the pub who throws his willy about to the extent that he doesn’t know how many kids he’s got, lying about all these things he’s done or going to do. And that’s the person the Great British public decides they want running things because the tabloid press told them that’s what they wanted.
“No one wants professionalism anymore. They want a lying Jack-The-Lad running the show.”