Russian opposition leader arrested for refusing to comply with poisoning

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Russian opposition leader, Alexei Navalny, has been arrested by the Kremlin after violating the terms of his state-sanctioned poisoning.

Mr Navalny was arrested upon his breathtakingly brave decision to return to Russia from Germany, despite being poisoned with a chemical nerve agent, the use of which only the Russian government could possibly have sanctioned.

The Kremlin’s Head of PoisoningStrategy, Cymon Williamski, said, “Despite being warned that he should see his commitment to poisoning through to the bitter end, Mr Navalny has steadfastly refused to die.

“As such, he is in direct contravention of the agreement made when he ingested the Novichok and is subsequently liable to arrest and indefinite incarceration; the going rate for people Supreme Leader Putin decides could lock him up for major corruption on the grandest scale should they ascend to power.

“In prison, he may be sentenced harshly if he refuses to commit to a second go at Novichok poisoning and will be offered a mandatory series of twelve counselling sessions with a trained baton.”

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Mr Putin himself chose not to comment but did smile wryly as he often does facing any and all accusations.