Police decline to investigate Michael Gove’s lockdown birthday party after no one turned up

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The Metropolitan Police have declined to investigate reports of Michael Gove holding a birthday party for himself during lockdown after it was revealed that none of those invited actually bothered going.

Despite Mr Gove inviting everyone two-face-to-face and offering to personally knife them in the back with their own, personal choice of knife, every single invitee decided not to attend on the grounds that no one likes the untrustworthy, backstabbing, needy dickhead.

Deputy Police Commissioner, Detective Chief Inspector Simon Williams, said, “Whilst there have been a number of high profile parties that broke lockdown rules in Westminster, Mr Gove’s was certainly not one of them.

“Whilst it is certain that there was booze, cheese and wine, no-one was within 100 metres of Mr Gove at the time.

“After briefly speaking with the former Chancellor for the Duchy of Lancaster, which took a long time as he was in tears, sobbing, whilst asking ‘Why does nobody like me?! What could I have possibly done to offend anyone other than crawl, serpent-like, along a political path that benefits only myself, betraying literally everyone along the way?!?!’, it was decided that there were no lockdown rules broken at all, despite his insistence that at least one woman was definitely there.

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“The woman in question has assured us said that there is ‘no way!’ she was there, insisting she was at a different event, namely the 24-7 House of Commons Party, preferring to take her chances of being groped by Matt Hancock.”