Tuesday 25 January 2022

Met Police calls in Sherlock Holmes for the mysterious case of ‘the lockdown breaches the guilty have already publicly admitted to’


Met Police call for help from Sherlock Holmes

The Met Police have called in consulting detective Sherlock Holmes after drawing a blank in their investigation of the mysterious lockdown breaches for which the guilty parties have repeatedly and publicly admitted their guilt.

Met Police Chief Cressida Dick announced that Mr Holmes will join the case this morning, after a month in which her staff have made little progress in catching the culprits who have only used the little-watched mediums of television, newspaper print and the Internet to advertise the fact that they did it.

Dick told reporters, “The Met Police do not like to admit defeat in solving crimes, but in this case, we’ve had too little to go on, so we have had no choice to look for outside help.

“There are so few clues that we just don’t know where to start.  Whether it’s with the repeated public admissions of guilt from politicians and civil servants, the questioning of those who resigned over the breaches or to start by talking to the eye witnesses who just happen to be policemen who work for us.  How is anyone supposed to solve a crime like this?

“We can only hope that Sherlock can cast fresh eyes on the case and perhaps find a breakthrough that could lead to charges against the guilty parties who keep on identifying themselves to us.”

Mr Holmes was dismissive of questions from the press, but did add that even if he’d spent the entire night sucking from his favourite opium pipe, he would still maintain sufficient perspicacity for the police to put the guilty parties in cuffs before breakfast.

“Unless, for some reason, there is a reluctance on the part of the Met to do so.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling government destroying mug here!

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