Monday 20 September 2021 by Dan Sweryt

GB News to boost ratings by unwrapping surprise eggs live on air

GB News viewing figues

GB News is aiming to boost its viewing numbers – which would be described as ‘flagging’, if they weren’t already zero – by having all their presenters unwrap surprise eggs live on telly.

Chief Executive, Simon Williams, said, “This is a tried and trusted formula for getting viewers, gathering hundreds of millions of views on YouTube, frequently pulling in at least 7 or 8 pence in revenue for producers.

“So, we are going to get some of our presenters to unwrap little plastic eggs and reveal the toys that are inside.

“Can you imagine their glee as they uncover a little plastic version of an overturned, deflated, sodden dinghy with twenty-five dead human beings who sought a new life away from torture and human rights abuses?

“Or their delight finding a malleable, squidgy toy depicted a huge queue of people being turned away at the Hungarian border for believing in the right God, but a slightly different version of what He may or may not have said?

“Admittedly viewing figures may drop back down if any of our presenters find a Union flag, a skinhead in bovver boys or a banner saying ‘could of’ as they’ll no doubt cum in their pants live on air.”

(Additional reporting by Chris Ballard)

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