Wednesday 13 January 2021 by Dan Sweryt

‘You can’t trust Tories with free school meal money as they’ll only waste it on profits for their mates’ insist benefit recipients


Family on benefits

Benefit recipients have sensationally claimed that Tories would only fritter away free school meal money on profit for their mates.

Benefit claimant Dave Smith told us, “Look, I’m sure there are a few Tories who would get the money and do their best with it, but we have to recognise that the current system that encourages Tories to waste that money on profits for their friends.

“As a taxpayer, you should be angry about them wasting it on corporate profits, instead of using it as it was intended.”

Tory donor and corporate parasite, Lord Sir Simon Williams CH (K+C+O+M)BE, said, “I think that is a vastly unfair and stereotypical view of all friends of the Conservatives.

“Especially those who have received a sizeable contract to do something for the government without being anywhere near the most appropriate in that particular area of expertise.

“Let me just explain to you the basics of free-market capitalism: for every pound you get from the government to assist the vulnerable, about 25% is immediately taken up in costs that perhaps a charitable organisation wouldn’t have to bear, such as a twenty-seven member executive board, so we’re already doing a better job than them by virtue of it costing us more.

“Then, of course, there are shareholders that need paying around 25% to reward their loyalty as we grow our business, and finally, clear and honest dirty profit makes up around 49%; a legal requirement under the government’s innovative and ground-breaking ‘Payment 4 Pals’ initiative.

“Obviously, the remaining 1% that is used to actually help the vulnerable would be where we look to implement any cost-cutting the taxpayer might be inclined to ask for.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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