Government confirm ‘No more Lockdowns’ as Test & Trace app tells entire country to self-isolate

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UK Government plc has confirmed that there will be no more Covid lockdowns, just as their magnificent Test & Trace app pings literally everyone in the country to lock themselves in their house and not see anyone.

Government minister Lord Sir Simon Williams (A+B+C+D+E+F+G+H+I+J+K)BE, said, “This is definitely not us using a typical Tory stealth policy as a typical Tory stealth policy; saying one thing to confirm a position, then using another method to do the opposite. Primarily to keep our idiotic Anti-Lockdown ‘Freedom!!!’ voters happy and feeling that they’ve won.

“No, it’s definitely not that.”

Anti-Lockdown campaigner and man who thinks ‘would of’ is correct, Christopher James, said “Yay!!! No more lockdowns!

“I can put my ill-spelt placard away and now praise Boris to the same extent that I’ve been deriding the impotent Kier Starmer for all this Covid business.

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“Something about Marxism! Not that I know what that is.

“Now I can go out and about, completely maskless, licking people wearing masks and being racist to footballers.

“Oh, I could do that anyway?

“Anyway, I’ve been pinged so I have to wait at home for a couple of weeks. But I’ll definitely be doing all of that when I’m allowed out in 10 days. Well, unless I get unlucky and find myself pinged yet again.”

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