Steve Davis banned from Parler for years of extremely moderate views
Former snooker world champion Steve Davis has been banned from Parler after years of extremely boring, moderate, non-inciting views.
Trump confirms he won’t attend Biden inauguration as he will already be in jail
President-de-elect Donald Trump has confirmed he won’t be at President Biden’s inauguration as he’ll be too busy being in prison.
Elite sport locked down following lengthy VAR review
After Elite sport was originally allowed to carry on during the latest lockdown, it has been sensationally disallowed after a lengthy VAR review.
Lorries stuck overnight in Kent to be charged council tax
Unfortunate lorry drivers stuck overnight on motorways, unable to move due to the border closure, will be charged council tax for ‘residing’ in the area.
New variant of UK passport causing trouble at EU borders
A newly-discovered variant of passport in Britain is causing significant trouble at EU borders.
Brexiters demand unequivocal ban on EU farmers catching potatoes in British soil
Brexiters are today demanding that all EU farmers be immediately banned from catching potatoes in sovereign British soil.
“Our post-Brexit Coronavirus is already outperforming other countries,” insists Gavin Williamson
Education Secretary and part-time Frank Spencer impersonator, Gavin Williamson, has claimed that the UK’s post-Brexit version of Covid-19 is simply ‘better’ than other countries’ versions of it.
Jacob Rees-Mogg informs UNICEF that English kids don’t need help because they’re being so well fed by the food banks
Jacob Rees-Mogg has informed the pesky do-gooders at UNICEF that children in Plymouth don’t need their help as they’re all being so well-fed at the food banks.
Boris Johnson planning to do entire Brexit assignment night before it is due
Boris Johnson is planning to do his entire Brexit assignment on the night before it is due to be handed in.
High Street footfall finally increases as administrators pile into every store
Footfall across the UK’s high streets has massively increased as hundreds of thousands of administrators flood into stores country-wide.
Students offered virus distribution contract
The Conservative Party have offered the lucrative coronavirus distribution contract to the UK student population.
£1 trillion Covid-19 vaccine distribution contract awarded to Dominic Cummings’ hamster
The £1 trillion contract awarded by the government for the distribution the upcoming Covid-19 vaccine has been won by a company whose CEO is Dominic Cummings’ hamster.
Donald Trump set to retain crucial swing state of Russia
Donald Trump is expected to retain the crucial swing state of Russia, after important campaigning on his behalf by millions of fake Facebook profiles and dubious Twitter accounts.
Northern Powerhouse switched off to conserve the South
The famed ‘Northern Powerhouse’ that the Tories wanted to build has been switched off to conserve the South.
Culture Secretary to be made redundant after Tories make entire sector disappear
Culture Secretary and former star of ‘Game On’, Oliver Dowden, is to be made redundant after the Conservative Party’s free-market policies have resulted in the disappearance of the entire arts sector.
Governments resets their ‘Days Without a Scandal’ counter back to zero. Again.
The Conservative Party HQ has been forced to change their ‘Number of consecutive days without a scandal’ counter back to zero. Once again.
Dominic Cummings shortlisted for Booker Prize with fictional masterpiece ‘The Tory Election Manifesto 2019’
Megamind lookalike Dominic Cummings has been shortlisted for the Booker Prize after judges declared his work ‘The Conservative Election Manifesto 2019’ a ‘supreme work of fiction’.
Thousands of prisoners released after appeals show they only broke law in a ‘very specific and limited way’
Tens of thousands of prisoners have been released from prison this afternoon after very swift appeal processes confirmed they had only broken the law in a ‘very specific and limited way’.
People being sent so far for Covid-19 tests, they have to quarantine for 14 days upon return
It has been revealed that UK citizens are having to travel so far for coronavirus tests, they are having to quarantine upon their return.
Employees encouraged to cram back into offices so Starbucks can carry on avoiding tax
Britain’s workers are being encouraged to go back to their offices so that overpriced coffee granule-wetter Starbucks can carry on generating profits upon which they subsequently avoid tax.
Scumbag state school students still somehow getting places at Oxbridge, complain disappointed posh people
State school pupils are still somehow getting around 20% of places at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, despite constant attempts by the Conservative Party to limit their chances by downgrading their A-Level results.
Camelot awarded contract for next year’s randomly-generated exam results
The contract for handing out randomly-generated exam results in academic year 20/21 has been won by Camelot.
Russia report to be published after finally agreeing ending with publishers
The report into Russian interference in British politics is set to finally be published after finally agreeing an ending with the book’s publishers, HM Government.
Blackburn and Leicester fans gutted that Liverpool have matched their number of Premier League titles
Both Blackburn Rovers and Leicester City fans are said to be very disappointed that Liverpool have finally caught up with their number of Premier League titles: a single, solitary one.
Everyone expecting Liverpool supporters to be magnanimous in victory
Liverpool FC fans are expected to be magnanimous when finally tying up the Premier League title either tonight or possibly in the next game.
Tories inform Marcus Rashford that kids no longer need free school meals now they’re being so well fed by the food banks
Conservative scumbags have informed pesky do-gooder Marcus Rashford that primary school children no longer need free school meals as they’re all being well-fed at the food banks.
Gravity to be removed due to Sir Isaac Newton’s links to slave trade
All traces of gravity are to be removed from the Earth after Sir Isaac Newton was revealed to have historic links to slave trading.
Dominic Cummings’ family did ‘what any decent property developers would do’ when the rules say you don’t have permission to build
Dominic Cummings’ family has claimed they did ‘what any decent property developers would do’ when constructing a cottage on their property without planning permission.
BBC pulls Nigel Farage’s Question Time appearances from iPlayer for ‘unacceptable historic offensive content’
Almost the entire Question Time archive has been taken down from iPlayer due to Nigel Farage’s constant barrage of historically offensive content.
Kids who don’t know how to wash their hands properly expected to stop spread of deadly virus
All the UK’s kids who are not old enough to properly understand washing your hands properly are to be thrown together in an attempt to stop the spread of a deadly killer disease spread primarily by responsible adults not being able to wash their hands properly.
