State school pupils are still somehow getting around 20% of places at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, despite constant attempts by the Conservative Party to limit their chances by downgrading their A-Level results.
Years of austerity, misery and tuition fees have been heaped upon the underprivileged in a bid to oust them from entering the boat race’s consistent finalists, but they still somehow appear to be successfully applying, even with downgraded state school results, which the government have blamed on previous Labour administrations.
“This is utterly unacceptable,” said recent Eton pupil, Simone Fforde-Guilliames the Third.
“I narrowly missed out on a place at both these historically privileged institutions despite pater offering them literally millions because they apparently HAVE to let some poor people in.
“No, they don’t! Now, I have to go to The University of Basingstoke, which is next to the butchers in the high street, because apparently ‘that’s the only place you can get in with 2 U’s and an N in Inbreeding Studies’.
“It’s just not fair! This country was built on corruption and jobs for the boys. How are we rich supposed to get richer if poor people are still taking our places at university even when we fix the system in our favour?
“I suppose I’ll just have to get a job at Papa’s hedge fund instead of getting that job at Papa’s hedge fund, like I was going to.
“Oh, hang on. Ah, yes, it doesn’t really make any fucking difference to my life as a rich person, does it? Ahaha!”
The Conservatives have pledged to inflict further austerity onto poor people to pay for the coronavirus crisis, in a bid to further reduce the prospect of non-rich people getting to Oxbridge in future.