Tuesday 8 September 2020 by Dan Sweryt

Thousands of prisoners released after appeals show they only broke law in a ‘very specific and limited way’


prisoners freed

Tens of thousands of prisoners have been released from prison this afternoon after very swift appeal processes confirmed they had only broken the law in a ‘very specific and limited way’.

Northern Ireland Secretary Brandon Lewis conceded a new bill to amend the UK’s Brexit deal with the EU would go against the treaty, breaking international law only in a “very specific and limited way”.

Mass tort ambulance chaser, Simon Williams, said, “I very quickly ceased ambulance-chasing this afternoon after realising that surely this government would not want to display rank hypocrisy by breaking international law with regards to Brexit whilst also keeping prisoners locked up when they have done less actual law-breaking than they themselves plan to do.

“I mean, it would be very unlike this government to say one thing and do another. Or to advise one thing, then say another. Or give advice to the public to stay at home, then drive themselves to Barnard Castle.

“For instance.”

Career criminal, Christopher James, said, “Excellent news! I’ve been released from prison just now. I was serving 15 years for armed robbery, but it turns out I only broke the law in a one very specific and limited way – which was by pointing a sawn-off shotgun at someone before taking all the bank’s money – whereas I would have had to break the entire Firearms Act of 1968 for them to uphold my sentence.

“Bully for me!!”

The criminals have all been simultaneously released this afternoon, in scenes reminiscent of The Purge.

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