The contract for handing out randomly-generated exam results in academic year 20/21 has been won by Camelot.
The company, famous for making six balls appear in a row, will now take over the job of assigning random grades to all the pupils who may as well have not fucking bothered doing any work at all, instead of the exam boards, whose random grade-generating machines are believed to reside on ageing infrastructure.
Junior minister in the Department for Education, Simon Williams, said, “We demand Exam Boards are held to the highest standards in the area of just coming up with random grades for students who have done their level best.
“Which is why it is unacceptable for one or two, well a few grades… okay, maybe more than a few grades… okay, all the grades to be way off.
“As such, we’ve put this important, yet seemingly random process out to tender.
“The Camelot bid hit very high standards, claiming there they will guarantee much more random results than anyone else ever could. Which is exactly what we’re looking for in an examination environment.
“Let me be clear: the last thing anyone needs in this area is consistency.”
Next year’s results will be generated by machine Merlin, using set of balls number five.