Culture Secretary and former star of ‘Game On’, Oliver Dowden, is to be made redundant after the Conservative Party’s free-market policies have resulted in the disappearance of the entire arts sector.
Workers in the arts from around the country and from a range of different disciplines are being advised to retrain for such wide-ranging jobs such as ‘shelf-stacker’, ‘shelf-stacker’ or, in some very extreme cases, ‘shelf-stacker’.
Mr Downden himself said, “It seems I’m a victim of my own policies. A true success story of real Conservative power!
“Managing an area into complete and utter dereliction might not work well for the retail sector, but it’s the foundation upon which right-wing politics is built!
“After a massive golden handshake pay-off, I hope I can continue this work in a new sector, probably being made to look good somewhere by virtue of following Chris Grayling.”
The fictitious trade union leader, Simon Williams, of the fictitious trade union, Performance In ShitStorm, said, “It seems that Rishi Sunak’s initial furlough scheme about as helpful as a lead lifepreserver for freelancers who work in the arts.
“But this new scheme is even worse. The government is basically telling everyone with training in the arts that they should go and do some mind-numbing work at the lowest rates possible to help improve the share prices of the companies owned by the Tory Party’s biggest donors.
“This work would also ensure that everyone is out and about on public transport, because no-one can afford to run a car anymore.