Thursday 12 November 2020 by Dan Sweryt

Students offered virus distribution contract


University students

The Conservative Party have offered the lucrative coronavirus distribution contract to the UK student population.

It’s thought the students could spread the virus across the entirety of the country via a seven-day ‘explosion’, suggested Test and Trace boss, Baroness Dido Harding.

Tory mouthpiece and spokesman for saying whatever is best for the progression of his own career, Michael Gove, said, “There are concerns that a rapid evacuation of students across the United Kingdom could lead to a massive increase in Covid-19 cases.

“However, this is entirely the wrong way to look at it. This should be seen as a great day for free-market capitalism; allowing the student population to be entrepreneurs capitalising on a new growth area of the economy.

“Rather than viewing themselves as a drain on the country and a physical threat to their families, they should value themselves as a ‘virus distribution point’ – for which there are numerous tax breaks, may I add – which adds to the country’s economy, in terms of the value they add to the share price of both privatised health care and the funeral sector.

“If they think like that, there are no losers!”

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