Thursday 17 December 2020 by Dan Sweryt

Jacob Rees-Mogg informs UNICEF that English kids don’t need help because they’re being so well fed by the food banks

Jacob Rees-Mogg rejects UNICEF's help

Jacob Rees-Mogg has informed the pesky do-gooders at UNICEF that children in Plymouth don’t need their help as they’re all being so well-fed at the food banks.

Tory advisor and human empathy vacuum Simon Williams, said, “Don’t worry, UNICEF, we’ve completely thought this through. We were sat around in Cabinet a while back now and brainstormed a few ideas about what to put in our original manifesto when – and I’m very proud of this creativity – I myself suggested that we take away free school meals.

“At first there was quiet. But then I told them: ‘Don’t worry, none of them can vote!’

“At which point, every single minister – bar none – jumped to their feet shouting ‘YES!’ and applauded.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg even screamed ‘YUUURRRRR!’ really gutturally and fist-pumped as though he’d just watched Hasselhoff in Baywatch. I’ve literally never seen him so happy.

“Free school meals have disgracefully undermined the Conservative’s stance on poverty for the last few years. Which is, that we quite like it.

“We also very much like the ability to control those masses now that no-one believes in religion anymore, and this is critical in that respect.

“Our, and I use the term with the greatest of affection, ‘scumbag voters’ say that people who can afford to pay for school meals should do so, not realising that the Thatcher-era parents of today’s children are already lacking not only knowledge and experience of nutritious food but also massive amounts of calcium. Meaning they simply don’t have the strength to get to a Polling Station to protest.

“Don’t forget, poverty and ill-health attract disease and rats, which at least means it stays within those areas and doesn’t spread to my estate, which is the important thing in a Britain that’s fairer for everyone.

“Under the Tories, there is literally no such thing as a free lunch.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get your T-shirt here!

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