Monday 9 November 2020 by Dan Sweryt

£1 trillion Covid-19 vaccine distribution contract awarded to Dominic Cummings’ hamster

Dominic Cummings hamster wins contract to distribute vaccine

The £1 trillion contract awarded by the government for the distribution the upcoming Covid-19 vaccine has been won by a company whose CEO is Dominic Cummings’ hamster.

The hamster, Simon Williams, said, “I was adopted by the Cummings’ family because it was clear in the pet shop I was both weirdo and misfit and would fit well into their plans for global domination.

“Also, when he asked me, I confirmed that I voted for Brexit and was fully in favour of a major strategic reorganisation of the Civil Service.

“Then we discussed Quantum Physics, at which point it became clear that one of us had a pretty solid understanding of it and one of us didn’t but was clearly under the impression that they did.

“I’ll leave you to figure out which of the two of us it was.

“Anyway, after that, we went home and he made me sign some papers, one of which made it clear that I was the CEO of VaccinationAbomination Ltd, and we discussed at length that I would be running the operation as there doesn’t need to be a proper tender process in these times of National Emergency.

“I said ‘I don’t think it’s right that I’m in charge of a Vaccination Distribution company with no distribution facilities or equipment’ and he said, ‘Well, do you want this job or shall I give it to Chris Grayling?’.

“If that’s the alternative, I think everyone can agree I’m definitely the hamster for the job.”

The Cummings’ dog is already favourite for the vaccine production contract.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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