Friday 17 July 2020 by Dan Sweryt

Russia report to be published after finally agreeing ending with publishers


Boris agrees ending to Russian report

The report into Russian interference in British politics is set to finally be published after finally agreeing an ending with the book’s publishers, HM Government.

The authors have struggled with this work despite their best-selling reports of the past, each of which went down to critical acclaim.

Their co-authorship of The Butler Report, in which Butler literally did it, was highly controversial but rocketed them into the top echelon of stellar fiction authors such as John Grisham, Dan Brown and Roger Hargreaves.

They themselves admit they’ve struggled with this difficult second report, claiming that ‘interference from the publishers’ has resulted in the enormous delay since it was commissioned.

In the first draft, the depiction of a certain government special advisor was in particular derided for its ‘derivative’ characterisation, with the editors claiming ‘that’s what everyone thinks of him already – we need to surprise them by making him out NOT to be a Russian-influenced traitor’.

The authors, both named Simon Williams, said, “The consequences of this report have to be considered carefully.

“We’re only going to end up seriously disappointing most people, regardless of what we say in this deeply sanitised version of events.

“Those of you who think the government has spent two years trying to avoid publishing it because there is a really juicy conclusion at the end are going to be the most disappointed of all.

“And, also, we get £790 a day to write this work of fiction. Who’s going to subsidise us after we stop?!”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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