Friday 12 June 2020 by Dan Sweryt

Gravity to be removed due to Sir Isaac Newton’s links to slave trade

Sir Isaac Newton sees gravity cancelled

All traces of gravity are to be removed from the Earth after Sir Isaac Newton was revealed to have historic links to slave trading.

Woke scientist, Dr Simon Williams, said, “It is perhaps not as widely known as it should be that Newton lost an absolute shitload of money investing in the infamous South Sea Bubble, during which time the South Sea Company were trading in slavery.

“Despite Newton’s Theory of Universal Gravitation being one of the most important discoveries of all time – arguably second only to that little wheel that cuts pizza – it is perhaps for the best that we cancel gravity altogether, so we don’t have to face uncomfortable and constant reminders of the people who invested in slavery whilst being stuck to the ground.

“If only that apple had fallen from the tree a bit harder and knocked some sense into him!

“It seems that very much the right thing to do is to cancel all of his work, including his universal laws of gravitation, in order to correct these heinous links to such a despicable trade in human misery.”

More sensible scientist, Professor Eleanor Gay, said, “Wouldn’t it make much more sense to just maybe take his knighthood off him or something? Or maybe, you know, not worry about it too much given he was only an investor?”

Gravity will be cancelled from this evening whereupon everyone and everything will start floating around until our muscles waste away followed soon after by all celestial bodies collapsing as Einstein’s Theory of Relativity becomes null and void.

Science – making religion look stupid since the 17th century – get the T-shirt here!

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