Thursday 2 September 2021 by Dan Sweryt

US hire Russian ransomware experts in attempt to brick military hardware left in Afghanistan


Hackers hired by US

The United States has hired the creme de la creme of Russia’s ransomware experts in attempts to brick all the military hardware that’s been left as welcoming gifts for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

US Ambassador’s aide, Chuck Williams, who literally shit his pants when he realised what was happening, said, “Luckily, all our military hardware – be it one of the 33 Black Hawk or 32 Mi-17 gunship helicopters, or the 7,000 plus machine guns – were all running on Windows 10 Combat Edition.

“And, given that all Windows versions are the same, but give you a different background picture depending upon licence key, this means they are also full of common vulnerabilities and exposures that can be exploited by ransomware demands.

“Thus we have contacted the world foremost experts on ransomware – Russia – and paid them vast amounts of the cryptocurrency they demanded to employ their expertise in bricking all manner of military ordnance.

“I can’t wait to see their faces when that combat rifle refuses to fire, instead delivering a message in MS-DOS font telling them all their ammo has been locked!”

Unconfirmed reports from a Taliban spokesperson said a compromise had been reached, with all the hardware once again available for use.

In unrelated news, Russian ransomware experts declared a huge surge into their bitcoin account.

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