Theresa May apologises to nation involved in her car crash
Theresa May has finally apologised to an entire nation that involved in an ongoing, completely avoidable car crash.
1 in 20 Britons believe Anne Frank was a unit of French currency
Following a survey carried out on Holocaust Memorial Day, at least five per cent of Britons believe Anne Frank was enough to buy you a baguette and some cheese in old French money.
We’ll find common ground when your husband finds his seat belt, nation tells Queen
The Queen’s plea for the people of Britain to come together has fallen on the deaf ears of a nation too frightened to drive around rural Buckinghamshire, it has emerged.
Hard Brexiters to enrol as super-poo donors after study finds they’re full of shit
Leading Hard Brexit campaigners are to enrol as shit-donors after a study concluded they are absolutely full of it.
97-year-old boy racer flips car
A boy racer, 97, has once again endangered lives by driving erratically while out on the nation’s roads.
Sajid Javid to launch armed tank patrols along M6 after 26 migrants found in lorry
Sajid Javid has reacted in a predictable fashion after a lorry was found to contain more than twenty swarthy people from overseas.
Anna Soubry is Nazi scum insists irony-free immigrant-hating nationalist screaming into her face
Tory MP Anna Soubry is a full-fledged Nazi according to an impeccably behaved nationalist who follows women down the street and screams insults at them.
Schrödinger’s celebrity attends Jools Holland’s Hootenanny while simultaneously watching it at home
A popular celebrity has enjoyed both appearing on and watching at some distance Jools Holland’s New Year’s Eve celebrations in accordance with the tried and tested laws of Quantum Mechanics.
Santa’s sleigh grounded indefinitely due to some Lapland knobhead with a drone
Santa Claus’ airborne sleigh fleet has been grounded until further notice due to some twat in Lapland flying a drone near his headquarters.
Nation brought to standstill by single drone in ‘perfect shape’ to cope with No Deal Brexit
People worried about the UK’s preparations for crashing out of the EU without a deal have been reassured by its speedy and proficient response to a fuckwit flying a drone near an airport.
Brexit Betrayal march to attract people from all walks of racism
Today’s Brexit Betrayal march is attracting ordinary folk from across the racist spectrum, according to reports
Kevin the Carrot to deliver the Brexit you voted for
Kevin the Aldi Christmas Carrot is proving to be the ultra-popular figure the entire country can unite behind in order to deliver a successful Brexit, according to reports.
Selling off water cannons ‘a bit f*cking premature’ insists nation on brink of food riots
Scrapping and selling off three water cannons is a tad fucking premature according to UK citizens bracing themselves for a Brexit-based breakdown in law and order.
Aliens prepared to intervene over Irish backstop
Creatures from another world are among the latest to suggest Theresa May’s Brexit plan is total wank, it has emerged.
Ten more Johnson brothers to resign from government this week
A further ten brothers of Boris Johnson are preparing to resign over Brexit, all of them blond, and all of them c*nts, it has emerged.
Dominic Raab surprised to learn importance of toilet paper after attempting to wipe own arse
Barely competent shit-hound, Dominic Raab, has been given the cold shoulder by cabinet colleagues after failing to realise the essential role toilet paper plays in maintaining anal hygiene.
White House Journalist banned for touching woman’s arm by man who prefers full-on minge contact
Journalist, Jim Acosta, is quietly wishing he’d been a bit more respectful towards women this morning after a bout of disgraceful arm contact resulted in him being barred from the White House.
Britain’s racists left shocked as Bake Off winner fails to launch Jihad
The ‘great’ British public were left speechless this morning after the brown winner of Bake Off spent his first day as the title holder without blowing anything up.
Hard Brexit supporter, James Dyson, to build patriotic new car plant in nearby Singapore
Brexit billionaire, James Dyson, has shown his true patriotic credentials by electing to build a new car plant in Singapore, a good eight thousand miles from his beloved UK homeland.
Saudis insist first rule of Saudi consulate Fight Club is that no one talks about Saudi consulate Fight Club
Saudi Arabia has claimed that murdered journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, died in a legitimate, bare-knuckle fist fight with a group of like-minded men who enjoy letting off steam.
New case of Mad Cow disease detected after Scottish heifer insists no-deal Brexit is a ‘fantastic idea’
A new case of mad cow disease has been confirmed after the animal in question mooed in favour of a no-deal Brexit.
Cash-strapped Britons welcome news of yet another Royal foetus
Austerity-weary Britons are delighted at the prospect of funding another Royal pregnancy, this morning.
Men warn of huge risks to planet if lounge temperature rise exceeds 1.5 C
Men who are “careful with their money” have warned of the huge risks to humanity if the temperature of the living room rises by the forecast 1.5C.
It’s not f*cking jazz hands, we’re just not clapping, conference tells Theresa May
The deathly silence which greeted Theresa May’s conference speech has been mistaken for jazz hands by the Prime Minister.
Tory plan to target middle-class cocaine users could see most MPs behind bars
Sajid Javid’s plans to target comfortably-off cocaine users would prove to be a spectacular own goal, according to a survey of Whitehall drug dealers.
Bez sets out his six rules for a successful Brexit
Happy Mondays freaky dancer and media personality, Bez, has set out his six rules for a successful Brexit, according to reports.
Post-Brexit ban on non-skilled workers to rule out most of Theresa May’s government
Theresa May’s government would face exile under proposed new laws to prevent non-skilled EU citizens from working in the UK.
Skripal poisoning suspects ‘just massively into Salisbury’, insists Vladimir Putin
The two suspects at the centre of the Skripal scandal are just ordinary tourists who love everything Salisbury has to offer, according to Vladimir Putin.
Sweden unveils new tolerant, laid-back kind of fascist
Sweden’s elections have revealed a significant percentage of the country’s voters are chilled-out, sexy, far-right extremists.
EU must impose immediate sanctions on Russia insists country that just told the EU to f*ck off
The UK is pressing fellow EU member states for tougher sanctions against Russia in the hope that they’ve forgotten the small matter of us recently telling them all to f*ck off.
