Bez sets out his six rules for a successful Brexit

Happy Mondays freaky dancer and media personality, Bez, has set out his six rules for a successful Brexit, according to reports.

Despite being “totally chilled” about the prospect of Britain crashing out of the EU without a deal, the performer – whose real name is Mark Berry – insists that if his six criteria are not met, he could not give his backing to any deal struck by Theresa May.

Bez said, “The biggest fuckin’ danger threatening Britain’s businesses, jobs and living standards, our kid, is a shortage of fookin’ Es.

“Any deal must protect the rights of UK citizens, like meself and Shaun, to a constant fookin’ supply of MDMA from the twenty-seven nations within the trading bloc, especially in light of that recent batch from Amsterdam what was well mint.”

Bez’s stringent criteria are laid out below:

1. All goods passing through EU controls must be ‘well sorted’.
2. No mithering about passports.
3. Melons arriving at UK ports from warmer EU nations must not be twisted excessively.
4. The Hacienda to be reopened and will house the EU parliament moving forward.
5. No additional tariffs on maracas
6. Does the deal deliver for Salford?

Next week Paul Rutherford of Frankie Goes to Hollywood gives his verdict on Boris Johnson’s proposals for a Canada style trade agreement.

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!