Monday 19 November 2018 by Gary Stanton

Selling off water cannons ‘a bit f*cking premature’ insists nation on brink of food riots


water cannon sold for scrap

Scrapping and selling off three water cannons is a tad fucking premature according to UK citizens bracing themselves for a Brexit-based breakdown in law and order.

Cannons with a total value of over three-hundred grand have been scrapped in yet another example of a short-sighted nation shooting itself in the foot then placing the gun in its mouth and pulling the trigger, while standing In front of a freshly painted wall shouting ‘hey check this out’ with what remains of its blown apart mouth and fragmented consciousness.

However, London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, claims the expensive crowd control measures were merely a kneejerk reaction to the so-called “bellend riots“ of 2011.

Each cannon was fitted with an expensive radio and CD player, which would theoretically allow operators to blast a protestor off their feet while listening to the latest James Blunt album.

Khan was backed by experts who insist that targeted jets of freezing water will prove no match for the millions of Molotov cocktails stockpiled by those on different sides of the Brexit argument, who are prepared to kill each other to feast on the rats, which are set to become the UK’s main food source after March 2019.

Once the country descends into the kind of anarchy never envisaged by Johnny Rotten, Khan is expected to admit that for once in his shambolic life, arch-twat Boris Johnson may actually have got something right.

Social order expert, Simon Williams, said, “Johnson is starting to look like a visionary, albeit one who struggles with the basics such as washing, dressing and avoiding the daily urge to incite racial hatred.”

He added, “You don’t have to be Mystic Meg to know that once this shit kicks off, those canons will be worth their weight in gold.”

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