Men who are “careful with their money” have warned of the huge risks to humanity if the temperature of the living room rises by the forecast 1.5C.
The world’s leading misers insist that even a rise of half a degree on the thermostat this autumn will significantly worsen the risk of increased energy bills, extreme heat and premature sweating.
On the plus side, men claim that the worst effects of rising room temperatures could be offset by you putting another jumper on and not walking around like it’s bloody April.
However, men freely admit their analysis is not based on the latest computer models, rather a gut feeling that by putting the heating on this early, you may as well “just go upstairs, take a fucking tenner out of the drawer, and set fire to it”.
Money-conscious individual, Simon Williams, said, “I don’t need a number-crunching supercomputer or Tomasz fucking Schafernaker to alert me to the fact that it’s actually quite warm for the time of year – but try telling that to the wife.
“She is using the latest apocalyptic climate models and the kids to guilt-trip me into turning the radiators up.
“What she neglects to mention is that the combined effect of rising UK room temperatures on the global atmosphere around them will kill off the coral, melt what little is left of the polar ice caps and increase my direct debit by as much as a fiver a month.”
He added, “This is the nightmare scenario that we, as a species, are facing from British Gas and their ilk.
“Fuck that, frankly.”
Although Williams’ findings are backed by the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, their landmark report also concluded that Williams is a tight-arsed bastard who won’t put the heating on until there is ice on the inside of the windows
Williams’ wife Sheila said, “Yeah and even then it will be one of his short ten-minute blasts just to ‘take the chill off the room’, as he puts it.
“A number of these so-called experts have advised me to leave him and take the kids with me.”