People worried about the UK’s preparations for crashing out of the EU without a deal have been reassured by its speedy and proficient response to a fuckwit flying a drone near an airport.
As queues of planes kept the tarmac warm at Gatwick, jubilant passengers were told they could enjoy a bus-ride to nearby Liverpool, where an alternative flight may or may not be waiting for them sometime between now and 2019.
The government, meanwhile, has been praised for its lightning response in deploying the same army that’s supposed to be heading off the forthcoming shitstorm at Dover.
However, passengers became angry after learning that the long-awaited “specialist equipment” deployment amounted to little more than a man with a pair of 10 x 50 binoculars.
As the aviation-based clusterfuck entered its twenty-fifth hour, Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson, caused further confusion, telling reporters, “The armed forces have a unique range of capabilities, but these tend to include things like shooting people in the fucking head, so I’m not sure how they can help here.
“Still, saying that you’re bringing the army in sounds pretty impressive, doesn’t it?
“Anyway, we’ve got Chris ‘Safe Hands’ Grayling coordinating the transport response so what could possibly go wrong? “
Grayling added, “We will do everything in our power to ensure Gatwick reopens as soon as possible – just as I did everything in my power to ensure Northern Rail’s recent seamless transition from an old timetable to a new timetable, in which we’ve re-envisaged the concept of time and notions of punctuality.
“In the meantime, rest assured that I will be taking tough measures against the operators of these drones, such as restricting the sale of AA batteries.”