The UK is pressing fellow EU member states for tougher sanctions against Russia in the hope that they’ve forgotten the small matter of us recently telling them all to f*ck off.
MI5 presented damning new evidence that the deadly Novichok nerve agent used in the attacks was contained within a small perfume dispenser, but admitted the criminals could have achieved the same lethal effect with a couple of squirts of Lynx Africa.
Calling on her EU partners to present a united front in the face of Putin’s aggression, Theresa May offered further watertight evidence that both of the men involved have Russian-sounding names that end in “ov”.
The PM said, “The Russian military unit that carried out the poisonings, known as the GRU, is a highly disciplined organisation with a well-established chain of command.”
But EU chief and confident Belgian, Michel Barnier, replied, “Having overseen the Brexit negotiations with an increasing sense of despair, I am forced to conclude that Mrs May wouldn’t know a highly disciplined organisation with a well-established chain of command if it bit her on the arse.
“Last week it was the scallops, this week it’s the Russians.
“What was that you people were singing? Ah yes – let me remind you. It goes: fuck off Europe, we all voted OUT’.”
Meanwhile, Kremlin officials who accused the UK of constructing a ‘cheap soap opera’ over the Salisbury attacks were advised that, if they think that’s bad, they should try watching Hollyoaks.
Vladimir Putin’s spokesman, Sergei Willyamski, angrily rejected the UK claims, telling reporters, “The names and pictures released by the UK media don’t mean anything to us. These guys look like run-of-the-mill Bullseye contestants.
“Anyway – why all the fuss?
“The UK government murders scores of its own citizens every year, except when they do it, it’s called Universal Credit.”