Tory plan to target middle-class cocaine users could see most MPs behind bars

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Sajid Javid’s plans to target comfortably-off cocaine users would prove to be a spectacular own goal, according to a survey of Whitehall drug dealers.

The Home Secretary will use his conference speech to launch a review of drug buyers and, most importantly, sellers, many of whom Boris Johnson already has on speed-dial.

Cocaine use among senior Tories is no secret after former Chancellor, George Osborne, openly confessed that he once thought GDP stood for Great Drugs Party.

Indeed, rumour is rife that the government would cease to function if it wasn’t for a regular supply of premium toot, much of which is smuggled past the Downing Street gates up Esther McVey’s arse.

But the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions predictably laughed off as ‘fake news’ suggestions that she is little more than a highly attractive drugs mule for a West London drugs cartel.

Nose candy vendor, Simon Williams, said,

“As far as ‘my’ ministers are concerned, any deal is better than no deal, if you get my drift.”

“Besides, I would challenge anyone to stay up until 2am, negotiating how best to carve up Ireland with Michel Barnier, to do so without at least half an ounce of beak coursing through their veins.”

“And I’m speaking as somebody who has had Dominic Raab pull a knife on me.”

This morning, high-ranking civil servant, Richard Crickmar, told reporters,

“Williams has hit the nail on the head. If we had unfettered access to the best chang in the capital, we’d have wrapped these Brexit negotiations up twelve months ago. “

Meanwhile earlier today there was huge excitement among Cabinet gak-fiends when Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, began talking about a new £240 million package.

Crickmar added, “Sadly, it turned out to be just more money for the NHS.”