Barely competent shit-hound, Dominic Raab, has been given the cold shoulder by cabinet colleagues after failing to realise the essential role toilet paper plays in maintaining anal hygiene.
Raab was appointed to Theresa May’s government after graduating from Jesus College, Cambridge, but due to his inability to read a map, attended most of his lectures in Aberdeen.
However, his meteoric rise to a position of trust has taken place at the expense of his colleagues’ olfactory glands due to his habit of walking around with a shit-encrusted, rusty badge.
Frequent, protracted bowel movements coupled with a lack of basic awareness regarding modern sanitation methodology are believed to be the chief reason that Raab smells worse than a tube load of cadavers riding the Paris Metro during a July heatwave.
Raab said, “If I’m honest, back when I accepted the job as Brexit Negotiation’s Team Leader, I think I was still in the dark as to the huge significance of toilet paper in our society and its primary function in combating the tendency for faeces to congeal around the human anus.
“Of course, I’d seen the Andrex advert with the puppies, but I thought they were just fun things to throw down the stairs while sitting on the toilet.
“They never actually showed anyone using it to wipe their arse.
“During my public school days, we mainly employed it as blotting paper or for managing the copious amounts of ejaculate one would find in the dorms.”
Raab now freely admits that his wife’s purchase of a bidet for his birthday three years running was, in retrospect, a subtle hint.
Rival negotiator, Michel Barnier, said, “This Brexit deal could have been concluded six months ago if Dominic hadn’t gone through sixty-eight pairs of trousers before we’d even got to the Irish border question.
“And no, I never shake him by the hand.”