It’s not f*cking jazz hands, we’re just not clapping, conference tells Theresa May

author avatar by 6 years ago

The deathly silence which greeted Theresa May’s conference speech has been mistaken for jazz hands by the Prime Minister.

Jazz hands is a substitute for clapping adopted by well-meaning bellends at Manchester University so as not disorientate students with autism or sensory issues, who may experience ‘meltdown’ during vigorous applause.

However, the new craze has left those with severe sight impairment assuming that unclapped speeches are basically a load of poorly-fermented toss, and that they are unloved members of a hateful society.

As Theresa May launched into a short list of her achievements as Prime Minister and the merits of the Chequers deal, the decibel level inside the Birmingham NEC, or wherever the fuck it was held, dropped lower than a mouse’s fart.

Conference attendee, Simon Williams, said, “Jazz hands? Hmmmm. No, I don’t think so.

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“You’ll notice the audience had no trouble applauding Boris Johnson, despite the view held in some quarters that he’s a troublesome, racist arsehole looking out only for himself to the detriment of all around him.

“Sadly for the prime minister, the assumption that the speech was a load of toss was, on this occasion, the correct one to make.”

He added, “It is indeed true that the audience was making hand gestures towards the Prime Minister, however, they were normally the kind you reserve for an Audi driver who’s just cut you up on a slip road.”

Meanwhile, the ambience brought on by the deeply unpopular speech left autistic right-wing delegates the most chilled-out they’ve felt in ages.