Santa Claus’ airborne sleigh fleet has been grounded until further notice due to some twat in Lapland flying a drone near his headquarters.
The fully CRB-checked bringer of gifts was due to begin his special Christmas delivery service when he was informed by his presumably elf-manned control tower that a drone was being flown erratically in his vicinity, risking a collision and potentially catastrophic spillage of presents.
The hugely upsetting news means that all the good little boys and girls could wake up on Christmas Day empty-handed, save for an orange and a piece of coal – and be bloody grateful for it.
The news also spells absolute disaster for Santa’s largely unemployable reindeers Donner, Comet, Prancer, Cupid, Dancer, Blitzen and Brexit, many of whom are already on zero hours contracts.
However, air traffic chiefs have advised Mr Claus that a mid-air incident involving a drone would leave Rudolph with more than just a fucking red nose.
Father Christmas said, “Frankly I can’t take the risk. If a drone were to collide with one of my sleighs flying at altitude, it could cause untold damage to thousands of gifts.
“And who wants to be the one to explain to children worldwide that they can’t stroke Dasher because he or she – I’ve never actually had a look down there – has been decapitated by a pair of rotary blades.
“It looks very much like I might have to lay the reindeers off and bring in a specialist supplier, like Amazon.”
Meanwhile, the reindeers are said to be livid at the proposals and just want to get on with the business of flying over snow-bedecked roofs and defying all known laws of Physics.
Donner added, “While I have the greatest respect for the downtrodden employees of Amazon, they should try circumnavigating the globe in a single day with little more than a five-minute piss-break.”